July 2, 2004

I haven't been having the best of weeks.
Dissociating a LOT. I am not sure what I've been doing. I know that at least part of the time, I've been busy helping run the new forum for dissociative disorders. I finally made it to therapy yesterday, and one of the little ones got the chance to talk with my therapist, that seemed to help a bit. Then I went to see my psychiatrist. Today I went to see my psychologist. I am FINALLY done with all that testing, I think. FINALLY. I dont even want to talk about it today. I am just done.
I've been so lonely this week. Things have been desperate. Its been insane inside my head. I'm trying to get back on track this afternoon. I actually just invited one of my friends over! And she is coming over for a little while to visit. I am so glad about that. I haven't had a friend over in 6 months.

i'm trying so hard to get my own life straighened out.

Posted by pilgrim at 4:35 PM | Comments (1)

July 5, 2004

Tomorrow i head back to the family home down south.
*gulp*
Part of me is very excited.
Part of me is terrified.

It takes a lot to get ready for a trip these days.
Safe things for the inside kids... check.
Safety plan for what if i run into him....check.
Plans for who will handle certain family members...check.
E-mail and voice mail access to my therapist...check.
Stuffed animals for the inside kids...check.
Journal,crayons, pens so we can all write and check in with each other, make sure we're all communicating well, and can express ourselves....check.

oh yeah, and we might want to even pack a suitcase.

Posted by pilgrim at 1:12 PM | Comments (0)

July 9, 2004

Its been a few days since I last wrote anything.
Its because I am at my family home, keeping busy, till all hours of the night.
I find myself at a loss for words. Find myself mostly contemplating. Most things are going very well. Some things really Mae me think about old stuff from the past. Some of the past is hard to face.
I just don't know what to say about it.

Posted by pilgrim at 5:22 PM | Comments (0)

July 11, 2004

Last night I stayed at my parents' house, up in my old bedroom.
Had a fight with my past while I was there at about 2:30 in the morning.
So much happened there, and I could see it all. The corner where I sat staring into space for hours on end, when no one was there to interrupt my dissociating. The spot my mirror used to be, where I'd find myself startled when I'd glad in the mirror because I didn't recognize the face that was reflected back, asking myself over and over again, "Who ARE you?" The spot I kept an overstuffed pillow, so that when I cried and screamed into it, no one could hear. The window I would peek timidly out of, afraid of seeing my ex-boyfriend's car drive by when he was stalking me.
I realized as I stood there last night, I lived a verysmalllife.
My life is bigger now. I like it much better. Its still hard, but at least its hard in different ways, on a hard path that I feel like is getting me somewhere. I am working like crazy to get myself to where I want to go, instead of still sitting up in that bedroom. At least now I am moving, making my life bigger.

Posted by pilgrim at 6:27 PM | Comments (0)

July 14, 2004

I am home from vacation.

I hate,hate,hate having to leave my family at the airport. Walking away from them, especially my little amazing niece , is one of the hardest things I ever do and breaks my heart. Sorry if I dont seem like myself for a couple days. I just wish I could be two places at once.

I am now back home with a few weeks of summer vacation left to enjoy!!

Posted by pilgrim at 8:39 PM | Comments (0)

July 17, 2004

The other day I watched a movie called The Butterfly Effect.
It had a big impact on me. Its about a man who had a traumatic childhood and experiences all the flashbacks of times that he blacked out. As an adult, he tries to go back in time and change what happened through the flashbacks. But when he does that, he makes his present life completely different. So he has to keep going back to the time he was a child to fix things.
This movie really made me think.
I wish I could go back in time sometimes, and change things. But how different would my life be now?
Its said that the movement of a butterflies wings can cause a tsunami on the other side of the world.
I've always looked at life like that.
I remember once, I moved a stick in a stream, and wondered how I'd just changed the flow of the stream, and ultimately, the shape of the earth.
(Yeah, well, my mom has always accused me of thinking too much!)
After seeing The Butterfly Efect, I've been having dreams about going back in the past,back to when the bad stuff happened, and trying to change it. I've found the movie rather empowering, even though it was very scary at some points.
What I learned from this movie is that although I cannot go back in the past myself and change things, perhaps I can learn tools today and give them to Mae, one of the little ones inside, and help her use them to escape the flashbacks that she still lives in. To her, she is still lives inside those memories-- the bad stuff is still happening to her-- it is still her reality. Maybe what I can do is figure out how to hand her the tools she needs to change her situation. If i can just figure out how.
I haven't had time to share this with my therapist yet. But I hope she will be able to figure out what I mean. I want so much to make things better.

Posted by pilgrim at 8:19 AM | Comments (1)

July 22, 2004

Was gone on another getaway. Finally home, where I belong.
Its been a roller coaster week. Day. Hour. Lots of switching going on. So I can't really give an update about what I've been doing, because I'm not sure. Kids have been out, playing and having fun, touched a snake at the zoo, playing outside, and learning new things. Others have been triggered into flashbacks again. Something happened that brought back a lot of hard stuff. I've been really out of it.; The body memories are so strong. My body seems to have a mind of it's own and I'm worried.; I've worked hard to eat better and recover from an eating disorder, but now, due to some stuff that's happened this week, I can't eat. My throat refuses to swallow much, and everything that does go down tastes horrible. Then sits in my stomach like concrete. The only thing that seems to go down ok is an icy cold drink like diet pepsi. I dont want my metabolism to get screwed up again. Forcing myself to eat proves difficult but I am really trying. So much is going on inside.  I am overwhelmed.

Posted by pilgrim at 9:32 PM | Comments (0)

July 24, 2004

I have been so busy the past few days. I cannot even describe it. Thank goodness its summer.

I am only going to write for a minute though. I got a book in the mail today, and I can't wait to get back to reading it.
Its called Becoming One, by Sarah E. Olson. I ordered it off of Amazon.com last week, and it came in the mail today. I'm only on page 10, but I think this book is so good. Its about a woman who overcomes having D.I.D. I have already posted abut it on my website to recommend it to others to read.  I need to hear a story of good news. I need to hear about strength right now.
Today, I'm sick of being this way. Its more like, all of a sudden, I am tired of thinking about it. I am tired of having people in my head. Its been a really rough week. Problems with eating due to flashbacks, I have the feeling that I'm dissociating and missing time more than I realized, and even during good moments one of the little ones will pop out and start to cry just at random. People inside are having problems and I'm trying to handle it all and there's just too much going on.
I'll write more later. Right now I've got to get back to Sarah's amazing book.

Posted by pilgrim at 3:24 PM | Comments (0)

July 26, 2004

today was rough all around.2 hour session with my therapist today. one of the things I started talking about, I haven't mentioned before.
 My old trick.When I was little, I taught myself how to go away. Whenever something bad (or just uncomfortable) was happening, I would start chanting to myself, "not me not me not me not me not me". After a few minutes, I would feel myself take a step away from my outside...
like a peeling away from the front...taking a step inward, so that whatever was happening, wasn't happening to ME anymore...and i kept chanting "notmenotmenotmenotmenotme".
..for minutes or an hour, whatever it took, and close my eyes, and chant,
until i didn't feel pain or hurt or reality anymore. and then the separation would take place,
and it'd be like me facing another person, like another kid. and all that bad/ uncomfortable stuff would stay with them, and that reality would stay with them, and i'd leave them behind, and move on to something else. thats what sharon and i talked about today.
I remember starting it when i was in kindergarten, and doing it all the way through college (and i even try to do it now, out of habit, the old "not me not me" chant and separation thing, but I never do it all the way anymore, I know too much now).... was this me making alters when I was little?
i got reminded of this because last week something happened and Mae started chanting "not me not me" and Carol realized that Mae was trying to make a new little girl named Kristen to take her place. Luckily, Nobody somehow talked Mae through it and instead of creating a new alter, they bought her a stuffed polar bear and Mae named the BEAR baby Kristen instead. last thing we need is more new people. *sigh*

Posted by pilgrim at 10:02 PM | Comments (1)

July 27, 2004

Last night I told my husband about the secret chant from childhood. I'm not sure why I told him. But for some reason, it made me feel better. I guess I just wanted him to have more information. I even asked him to tell me what normal kids do... I'm trying, I guess, to find out if I was normal or not (why? dont know)... I dont know why I ask such silly questions...
do normal kids stick pins in their fingers?
do normal kids cut?
do normal kids make up secret names for theMissylves so they can be someone else?
do normal kids hide in closets because they're scared?
do normal kids disappear inside theMissylves?

sometimes my husband doesnt know what to do with me and my questions, i think.

Posted by pilgrim at 11:23 AM | Comments (0)

July 28, 2004

http://s3.invisionfree.com/A_Minds_Journey/index.php 

Posted by pilgrim at 11:11 PM | Comments (0)

July 31, 2004

I'm doing beter. This has been a hectic few days--- someone inside, a little one, has been working hard on trying to figure something out. I'm not sure exactly what, but I know it had to do with real and pretend, and imagination. Its been weighing down on her, not in a bad way, but something on her mind. Whatever it was, she seems to have been resolved a bit more. Yesterday I finally got back to feeling like myself, dissociating less, and actually got some things done. I'm getting ready to go back to work (school starts in a week)-- that gives me a goal to work toward.
I'm trying so hard to get control over things. Be in control of myself, of my life.

Last night I had a dream that I a bus went by my house with no driver in it. It was filled with people-- especially children. Everything was chaotic in there, and they needed a driver. I had no choice but to get on the bus and try to drive it.
The thing was, I never drove a bus before. Sure, I thought, I can drive, but a bus is big, and awkward, and takes up a lot more space on the road, and I dont know if i can drive a bus.
In my dream I was sitting halfway back on the bus (the steering wheel was about 6 seats back) and I was trying to drive. The kids were all yelling, adults were getting in the way. Some were giving me advice on how to drive the bus. I tried sitting in different places on the bus to drive, in the back and in the middle and on the top, but nothing was working, not with everyone getting up and running around on the bus and shouting and being in the way.
The bus was going all over the road, and I was getting exhausted.
We finally stopped at a school in my dream. I got off the bus and took a breather. Thankfully, someone else, the real bus driver, was on there when I got back. Turns out I was just supposed to be a STUDENT on the bus, NOT the driver! Thank God! The driver was someone who actually KNEW what to do.

i am trying to figure out what I can learn from my dream. it feels that somehow it applies to my life.It makes sense that things on the bus (my mind) won't go the right direction until everyone starts calming down and working together) and wouldn't it be nice if i was not supposed to be the driver of this bus?

Posted by pilgrim at 7:49 AM | Comments (0)