Pilgrim's Journey > October 2004 Archives
October 7, 2004
today i stayd home from sckool. i got the flu
i did go see my T
she sas even if i dont be there she still dose remimber me
i told her dady sas out of site out of minde
i told her nobdy dose think of me if i dont be there rite there
but S// sas thats not the trhuth :) !
her did explaan it to me
some times she sas its hard to explaan things to me becos im littol therres lots i dont no. i go see her
i try to lern
my T her nose lots of stuff that nowon did try to talk to me before.
i saw today her has toys that are new toys. i askt her if other kids come play there asides me. she sas yes. that scars me. bbut S her sas that she got enof caring to go arownd for lots of kids . and that mens me to
that Maeke me feel beter.
October 8, 2004
"Kids Day Out"--- old writing
This is from a long time ago, last spring, but I just found it on my computer and wanted to share it. Its something that C**** wrote on another website, about "Kids Day Out". I could use a good laugh tonight, and this one always makes me laugh- the kids just really make me laugh sometimes. :-P
Sunday is kids day out usually. to just play and hang out with my husband and do whatever. games and such. i try to stay out of the way on sundays. (the adults day out is on Saturday). so i didn't interfere. i just feel a BIT sorry for my husband We were eating peas with supper. Mae noticed the peas looked like balls and said something about how it'd be neat if peas came in all different colors so she could have a bowl full of little colored balls to eat.
Said something inside to Tuck who decided to investigate the inside of peas. So then they both started asking husband questions.
What are peas made out of? (Vegetable matter. )But what is THAT made of? (Vegetable matter.) But WHAT IS THAT!? Whats it MADE OF!? (Vegetable.)WHY?! What's in it? Is it made out of the same stuff as grass? is that why its green like grass? well then can people eat grass? (for a few days.) Well then could you pick some grass and put it in some vegetable soup? Does grass count as a vegetable? If i asked Caroline Ann would she say grass was a vegetable? (Maybe.) Why do peas grow in pods? How did the pods get there? If i planted my leftover peas would they grow? (no, they've already been processed and cooked.) Could i grow the peas in the freezer?(no). Well then where can i find peas that i can grow? at the flower store? i could grow some in this flower pot, can we go get some peas? (no). but i want to grow some peas. well then can i grow some grass? is there chlorophyll in the grass? from the sun? like there is in leaves? are leaves vegetables? could you eat leaves? could you put leaves in vegetable soup? can you plant leaves? what if i planted a pea. how does the pod grow around it? is it magic? (now,its how God designed it) But WHY? How? (to protect the peas, to protect the pods.) Because God said so? But what if I planted a pea seed and a grass seed next to each other? Could I make a new plant? Like a peaseed plant?(no). But why not? Couldn't i make a new plant like how people make up new kinds of flowers? like how new roses get made and new vegetables? (no) But why NOT? (I dont KNOW!! I'm not a genetic scientist!!!) But how could I do it? Could a pea ever get mixed up and turn itself into grass? could grass ever turn into a pea? by mistake? (can a baby inside its mom ever turn into a cat?) (they considered this possibility....and wanted to say MAYBE because they both believe in magic) . No. (so then, a pea can't turn into grass.) But WHY? did God tell it what to do? (yes.) WhY?? but HOW? how does it KNOW? can i plant some grass seeds and tell them to be peas? can i grow some flowers?
Then Mae talked him into playing this board game we got for Christmas. So then she chattered away the entire time about fairies and magic gnomes and rainbows and saying magic words.I was glad for that though-- it got her mind off things for a while. But man, her and Tuck, they never stop asking questions once they get started (warning: do not EVER ask Tuck about Mars. please.)my poor husband. i am sure he thinks I'm a nutcase.
October 14, 2004
Mae went to therapy today.
Mae went to therapy today. everyones exhausted.
October 16, 2004
When I was little,there were 2 separate girls. The daytime Pilgrim was a happy girl. Popular and outgoing, a show off, a little girl who always got staight A’s in school, and was the teacher’s Pet. The daytime Pilgrim had no problems with her mom and dad. She was fine with the fact that even though they were always busy, and didn’t pay her much attention, that they at least gave her presents at Christmastime and on her birthday, and that sometimes they sang funny songs together. The daytime Pilgrim was a healthy kid. The nighttime Pilgrim was just the opposite. Withdrawn and silent, never wanting to draw any attention to herself, she hid in closets and was too afraid to talk to anyone. Talking might mean someone would find out her secrets, and she knew she’d get in trouble if anyone found out what she was hiding. She felt like she didn’t have any family, always being left behind and forgotten about. There was no one for her. Her life was about survival.
The thing that I have to figure out how to handle is, that both of those girls were me.
Now that I’ve learned a little more (with a great deal of help fromCaroline, who seems to have a lot more insight than I do), the daytime Pilgrim was actually made up of Caroline, Missy, Blue, Claire, and Tuck. A group of kids who were able to cope with just about anything. The nightime Pilgrim consisted of Mae, Nobody, fat girl, and who knows who else may have been hiding in there. Where was I in all this? I still haven’t figured that out. Sometimes I wonder if all I have been is a collection of all the others, a compilation of a bunch of other people who make up the global “me”.
October 23, 2004
trying to keep occuppied
i'm trying hard to remain in constant motion this weekend.
if i sit still, i start to think.
if i start to think, i might start to feel.
if i start to feel, i am probably going to fall apart.
the 2 minutes i sat down today, i picked up something sharp and started cutting my arm with it, before i realized what i was doing and made myself stop, then heard inside my head someone say: "I have a secret you don't know."
I dont want to be here.
October 24, 2004
struggling to stay safe
just keep moving
i even went to the mall to keep myself distracted.
i HATE shopping
and i hate the mall.
i had no other place to go.
in the other room are razor blades I'm aching to use, but trying so hard to stay away from them too.
I keep them just to feel "safe". Mae carries around bits of sharp glass, "just to feel safe."
I dont know why.
Tomorrow I'm taking off work. I have a couple doctor appointments.
Then I see my nutritionist and therapist. Thank God.
Tomorrow's going to be a really hard day. I dont want to be here for it.
the pull to dissociate is so strong
i want so much to sink down into the inky black darkness of my mind. the land of nothingness where i can escape. i haven't let myself do that today. i've forced myself to stay present all day to make sure I dont cut or anything. the pull to dissociate is so strong but i'm still trying to resist. half the time today i'm wondering why. it'd be easier to let someone else take over and handle it. Caroline could handle today better than i could. Mae wouldnt have half the stuff on her mind that i do, if she were around. But i'm still making occassional efforts at trying to get stronger, at trying to do things on my own. On Saturday morning, I paid some bills all by myself-- a chore that used to be delegated to Missy alone, because she was the only one who could handle it. Now as long as conditions are just right, I can do the bills for a few minutes all by myself-- which is kinda cool.
But for right now, I just want to give in. I want to disappear back inside my head, where I don't have to think, don't have to be in charge, don't hear what's going on around me, everything becomes a blur, a background, far away.
that is what i want so much right now.