October 1, 2004

today the counselor came to the classes to do a presentation about good touch/bad touch and stranger danger. my class combined with another class across the hall. they watched a video and talked to the counselor about it, saying no to strangers, not going in cars with people and things like that.i tried to stay , as uncomfortable as i was. I tried as hard as i could to not scream and cry. finally i just had to leave. i couldnt take it anymore.i told the other teacher i couldn't stay in there for that, and i got up and went back to my room. i wanted to cry and scream and cut and die. i cant tell you what i was thinking. what flashbacks were going through my mind.nothing good. my life was filled with strangers and being messed with. and my parents leaving me with people who did bad things. there wasn't ever anyone to tell, and who do you tell when part of the problem IS your parents? and your parents friends? and your own relatives? who do you go to to tell when its your parents who are leaving you with the people they know you are terrified of , but they dont care? Now kids are taught to tell someone, but no one told me that back then, and when i did try to tell eventually, it was blamed back on ME. hate this.hate this.
I have so many nightmares every night.
Tonight is the anniversary of my 1st date with my 1st boyfriend.
I can't talk about it.
i wish i could just forget.
i wish my body could forget.
i wish the flashbacks would go away.
i am so alone.

Posted by pilgrim at 2:43 PM | Comments (0)

October 2, 2004

She still thinks that my ex-best friend is coming back today .The ex-friend we haven't seen or heard from since January. Mae keeps saying, "maybe today!" K knows today is my birthday. And has always come to celebrate before. Always come to spend the evening. Mae is convinced that K is going to show up today, as a surprise. I have talked to Mae about it, Nobody has talked to Mae about it, Carol has talked to Mae about it, and our therapist has talked to Mae about it. :sigh But Mae keeps saying "No, i know it, she'll come, she's nice, she'll come." She still has her hopes up. This morning I yelled out loud ( sorry ) at Mae, "she's NOT COMING! get OVER it!" I was just crying because I couldn't take Mae saying it over and over again, "but she will, I know she will". NO, she ISNT. We haven't heard from K in 10 months. She's NOT going to come back today just for my birthday. :( I am going to go to the park and swing today probably, and go to Toys R Us and let Mae pick out anything she wants for a present, and try to keep her busy and distracted, but I'm really afraid that tonight she is going to get hit HARD by the fact that K doesn't show up. :( I'm afraid she is in for a really big disappointment. I'm afraid of her reaction. dammit... i still do not know what to do to help her. Even right now while I'm typing this, Mae is still telling me, "she'll come, ok? ok, she'll come."

Posted by pilgrim at 9:04 AM | Comments (0)

The doorbell rang today. Mae immediately said, "its K_____!" Me, in my foolishness, let myself wonder for a split second, "maybe it is K______." I held my breath when i looked through the peephole. It was just the mailman.i have to go to the store. one of the things i'm going to do is go to Toys R Us and let Mae get something she wants. but she doesn't even want to leave the house, just in case K comes over while I'm gone.So its taking me hours and hours to get myself to leave the house, when i could have been back by now, if I could get Mae to stop whining "no we better stay here." (Later) My husband made me turn off the porch light. We left it on just in case... just in case. he said, "WHO would come over this late? why did you turn the porch light on again?"we just said, "well...someone, someone might...come over, you know, just..."He then gave a lecture about letting go, how she was a toxic friend, not good for us, how she's been gone since January and she's NOT coming back.,etc etc. We just want to go turn the light back on. what if she drives by to come over tonight for our birthday and finds the light off, so she decides to not come knock on the door?

Posted by pilgrim at 8:47 PM | Comments (0)

October 4, 2004

no one feels like saying much.

Posted by pilgrim at 6:00 PM | Comments (0)

October 5, 2004

Posted by pilgrim at 7:24 PM | Comments (0)

October 7, 2004

today i stayd home from sckool. i got the flu
i did go see my T
she sas even if i dont be there she still dose remimber me
i told her dady sas out of site out of minde
i told her nobdy dose think of me if i dont be there rite there
but S// sas thats not the trhuth :) !
her did explaan it to me
some times she sas its hard to explaan things to me becos im littol therres lots i dont no. i go see her
i try to lern
my T her nose lots of stuff that nowon did try to talk to me before.
i saw today her has toys that are new toys. i askt her if other kids come play there asides me. she sas yes. that scars me. bbut S her sas that she got enof caring to go arownd for lots of kids . and that mens me to
that Maeke me feel beter.

Posted by pilgrim at 7:20 PM | Comments (0)

October 8, 2004

Its me again, Pilgrim. I haven't been around for a long while.
Today was the 1st time I've really been with my students in a long time. It was really nice to spend the day with them, without Nobody or Carol being in front and in charge. It was just me, and it was a good day with the kids. I have such a good class. My students are all well-behaved, and I love them so much.
Yesterday I stayed home sick. I went to see S, my therapist, for 2 hours; luckily, she had an open spot for me. It was good to see her again. It hasn't been my turn for a long time. Or rather, I haven't taken a turn for a long time. I avoid going to therapy, I think, to avoid facing things head on. I'd rather let someone else handle it-- so someone else does come out to handle things for me. I'm great at hiding away and dissociating and making myself scarce. Well yesterday was a very low-stress day for me since I was home and didn't wake up until 11 a.m.,and went to therapy at 12:15. So I was aware enough of what was going on around me and fairly relaxed, and feeling brave enough to tackle therapy. I was glad I went. I like my therapist a lot, and I miss talking to her. She filled me in on some of the things that have been going on in therapy in my absence. Boy, do I miss a lot. We also talked about Nobody and her artwork, and how she is such a stranger to me and not exactly my favorite person in the world :( .
It wasn't until the end of the session when she was pressing me about something...I can't remember what exactly, I imagine it had to do with my parents, maybe ???...that I started getting stressed out and felt myself pulling away. She notices it when I do that and tried to call me back. It worked for a few minutes. Then I was gone, and Mae was there.
But I did make it for nearly 2 hours of therapy, and I made it through a whole day of school today on my own. I like it when I can handle things on my own. It makes me feel more competent. I think I would like to be able to stay present more often. However that would mean having to feel things. And I am more comfortable with being numb. I'm not ready to give up being numb yet.

Posted by pilgrim at 7:14 PM | Comments (0)

This is from a long time ago, last spring, but I just found it on my computer and wanted to share it. Its something that C**** wrote on another website, about "Kids Day Out". I could use a good laugh tonight, and this one always makes me laugh- the kids just really make me laugh sometimes. :-P

Sunday is kids day out usually. to just play and hang out with my husband and do whatever. games and such. i try to stay out of the way on sundays. (the adults day out is on Saturday). so i didn't interfere. i just feel a BIT sorry for my husband We were eating peas with supper. SadGirl noticed the peas looked like balls and said something about how it'd be neat if peas came in all different colors so she could have a bowl full of little colored balls to eat.
Said something inside to Tuck who decided to investigate the inside of peas. So then they both started asking husband questions.
What are peas made out of? (Vegetable matter. )But what is THAT made of? (Vegetable matter.) But WHAT IS THAT!? Whats it MADE OF!? (Vegetable.)WHY?! What's in it? Is it made out of the same stuff as grass? is that why its green like grass? well then can people eat grass? (for a few days.) Well then could you pick some grass and put it in some vegetable soup? Does grass count as a vegetable? If i asked Carol Ann would she say grass was a vegetable? (Maybe.) Why do peas grow in pods? How did the pods get there? If i planted my leftover peas would they grow? (no, they've already been processed and cooked.) Could i grow the peas in the freezer?(no). Well then where can i find peas that i can grow? at the flower store? i could grow some in this flower pot, can we go get some peas? (no). but i want to grow some peas. well then can i grow some grass? is there chlorophyll in the grass? from the sun? like there is in leaves? are leaves vegetables? could you eat leaves? could you put leaves in vegetable soup? can you plant leaves? what if i planted a pea. how does the pod grow around it? is it magic? (now,its how God designed it) But WHY? How? (to protect the peas, to protect the pods.) Because God said so? But what if I planted a pea seed and a grass seed next to each other? Could I make a new plant? Like a peaseed plant?(no). But why not? Couldn't i make a new plant like how people make up new kinds of flowers? like how new roses get made and new vegetables? (no) But why NOT? (I dont KNOW!! I'm not a genetic scientist!!!) But how could I do it? Could a pea ever get mixed up and turn itself into grass? could grass ever turn into a pea? by mistake? (can a baby inside its mom ever turn into a cat?) (they considered this possibility....and wanted to say MAYBE because they both believe in magic) . No. (so then, a pea can't turn into grass.) But WHY? did God tell it what to do? (yes.) WhY?? but HOW? how does it KNOW? can i plant some grass seeds and tell them to be peas? can i grow some flowers?
Then SadGirl talked him into playing this board game we got for Christmas. So then she chattered away the entire time about fairies and magic gnomes and rainbows and saying magic words.I was glad for that though-- it got her mind off things for a while. But man, her and Tuck, they never stop asking questions once they get started (warning: do not EVER ask Tuck about Mars. please.)my poor husband. i am sure he thinks I'm a nutcase.
C****

Posted by pilgrim at 9:51 PM | Comments (0)

October 10, 2004

i wish i had someone to do things with. yesterday i went to a movie by myself , a drama called Woman Thou Art Loosed, and it was hard to watch, hard to not cry at the end. I felt even more alone.

Today in church I saw parents who were putting their arms around their kids, playing with their kids' hair, even hugging them. Why is that? is that because we were in church? are those kids getting tricked? do they get screamed at at home? There was a little 6 year old girl with her grampa. she had a dress on. I was scared to pieces for her. That just isn't safe, to let a little girl be alone with a man. What was he going to do to her after church? Why do some parents like their kids? And how come my parents never even got close enough to touch me?

I remember when I was 14, my aunt "K" married into the family. She was not much older than me, and I liked her SO much. She was friendly and outgoing and a nice southern girl, so different from the rest of my aunts up north. One day as she was leaving my house, she turned to give me a hug.
It startled the hell out of me. %-/
I had not been hugged since i was about 5 years old, and even that I wasn't sure about. I thought, there was like this family rule, about NO TOUCHING PILGRIM. Because I was bad, and dirty, and tainted, and grey.

I hadn't had a hug in so long that I didn't know what it felt like. But that afternoon, my new aunt K gave me a hug. It startled me so much that it sucked the air out of my lungs, and felt like burning on my arms. It repulsed and captivated me at the same time. I shook so hard afterwards and wandered around in a daze after she left.

Obviously, she hadn't been informed yet, about the family rule, about dont touch Pilgrim. Obviously she didn't know me well enough yet to know that I was Fat and Dirty and Gross and Bad and now Bad Things Were Going to Happen To Her because she touched me.

When I was little, i had been desperate for a few years, for contact. It wasn't until I was in 4th grade or so that I gave up and got the attitude of "no one better touch me because I dont want it anyway." Up until then, I felt so needy and so clingy, but never dared to try to reach out to my parents or relatives. I knew they were a no-go.

But teachers.... teachers were the objects of my affection. I was always in love with my teachers. And I wanted them to love me too. I would be so good in school, the perfect student, try to make myself so special and indispensible and smart. Then I would try to get near them. I remember 3rd grade in particular, I had a wonderful male teacher, and in 3rd grade I was for some reason even more desperate for human contact. I devised a trick of tying my shoelaces in double and triple knots, really tight ones, that I told him I needed help getting out. He was such a nice older man, he'd bend down and untie my shoes for me. Sometimes his hand would brush up against my ankle. Or he would pat my knee when he'd say "You owe me a quarter for untying your shoe again!" .

I would be so relieved. Touch. I'd felt the heat off of someone's hand, there was a re-assurance that I was still alive, that I was still real, that I was still touchable, even if it was just for 10 seconds while my teacher untied my shoes.

What do those kids I saw in church today have that I never did? How come they are deserving and I never was?

Posted by pilgrim at 7:23 PM | Comments (2)

October 11, 2004

Today was a workday at school. We had a long lunch. I went out to eat with a few colleagues. I was really quiet but I did eat a little. I had some chicken and about half a cup of rice and a roll, and I did ok with it. I didn’t panic or anything. (Good news!)

I just didn’t have much to say except for when my colleagues were talking specifically about school. They talked about things like what they did over the weekend, football games, relatives that came over. I just didn’t have anything positive to add to those conversations so I thought it would be better to say noting. Football games--- ex-boyfriend used to take me to them—hated them—he’d mess with me under the bleachers—even someone mentioning football games brings back flashbacks of wearing his letterman’s jacket (got blood on it once from you-know-what). What they did this weekend-I have nothing to add. I spent the weekend by the phone in case my mom called with an update about my dad (he got hurt-- I can't talk about it.), everyone inside was all riled up especially SadGirl (and who wants to hear stories about her?), and I curled up on the couch a lot trying to be invisible—what is there for me to share about that? Relatives coming over—I don’t want any of my colleagues to know that I have no one to come visit me. They probably think I have friends or relatives or something. I don’t want to say something and then have my colleagues know I’m a social reject. And I feel like I have to keep the rest of my life a secret. I don’t tell them of things that go on at home. I did attempt to mention that my dad fell off a roof and got hurt pretty bad this weekend, got a response of “Wow, that’s pretty bad” and “Ouch” and then they went on to other topics. I leave my home life at home. Sometimes I wish I didn’t have to. I would really like to be friends with some of my colleagues. I just feel like I don’t fit in.

Posted by pilgrim at 7:52 PM | Comments (2)

October 12, 2004

Therapy was really difficult today.
SadGirl is pretty worked up .
Dont feel much like talking. Sorta exhausted.
Just one big headache inside.

Posted by pilgrim at 8:45 PM | Comments (0)

October 13, 2004

Faculty meeting today. All about child abuse. With detailed re-enactments on video, just in case we couldn't imagine what "abuse" meant. No, they had to show exactly what was meant by physical, emotional, and sexual abuse. :( Then on the video it talked about the signs and symptoms of child abuse.
I sat there with my knees up to my chin. And cut a hole into the roof of my mouth with a pen cap.
I got out of there immediately when it was over. I didn't even say goodbye to any of my colleagues. I hope they didn't notice.
There has been a lot of arguing inside tonight. Lots of switching going on. SadGirl crying about "the bad people." Tuck trying to help her. Missy is pissed off and angry at everyone for talking at all, and keeps threatening to cut my hands up to make sure her presence and her anger are visible. Had to fight to keep myself away from the knife drawer tonight and worked hard at keeping myself distracted. She's not a nice person, and I already have scars across my hands to prove that she means what she says. Last year she put a hot iron down on my hand (3 times, just to make her point) and I got 3rd degree burns. A couple years ago she cut through part of a nerve on my other hand, which still makes my finger twitch and ache and the scar is still there. We've learned to not mess around with Missy. For tonight at least, I've managed to avoid cutting, but I'm not sure how.
I really hate it when I have to sit through faculty meetings like that.
I wanted to scream.
Funny though if I screamed and ran out, it seems like no one would have even looked up.

Posted by pilgrim at 7:16 PM | Comments (1)

October 14, 2004

SadGirl went to therapy today. everyones exhausted.

Posted by pilgrim at 7:26 PM | Comments (0)

October 15, 2004

overwhelmed to the max and still more coming.
more anniversaries coming.
so hard to deal with. i just want to curl up on my couch and hide. just hide.

Posted by pilgrim at 7:50 PM | Comments (0)

i gave up for tonight.
instead of fighting anymore, instead of putting up with anymore crying, i just went ahead and cut.
it calms me down. i tried other things. nothing worked.
it doesnt matter.
at least now the yelling in my head isn't so loud, and even though i dont have any friends or anyone to spend a friday evening with, i know cutting will always calm me down.
stupid. i know its stupid.

Posted by pilgrim at 10:12 PM | Comments (1)

October 16, 2004

Separate Lives
When I was little,there were 2 separate girls. The daytime Pilgrim was a happy girl. Popular and outgoing, a show off, a little girl who always got staight A’s in school, and was the teacher’s Pet. The daytime Pilgrim had no problems with her mom and dad. She was fine with the fact that even though they were always busy, and didn’t pay her much attention, that they at least gave her presents at Christmastime and on her birthday, and that sometimes they sang funny songs together. The daytime Pilgrim was a healthy kid. The nighttime Pilgrim was just the opposite. Withdrawn and silent, never wanting to draw any attention to herself, she hid in closets and was too afraid to talk to anyone. Talking might mean someone would find out her secrets, and she knew she’d get in trouble if anyone found out what she was hiding. She felt like she didn’t have any family, always being left behind and forgotten about. There was no one for her. Her life was about survival.
The thing that I have to figure out how to handle is, that both of those girls were me.
Now that I’ve learned a little more (with a great deal of help fromCarol, who seems to have a lot more insight than I do), the daytime Pilgrim was actually made up of Carol, Missy, Blue, Claire, and Tuck. A group of kids who were able to cope with just about anything. The nightime Pilgrim consisted of SadGirl, Nobody, fat girl, and who knows who else may have been hiding in there. Where was I in all this? I still haven’t figured that out. Sometimes I wonder if all I have been is a collection of all the others, a compilation of a bunch of other people who make up the global “me”.

Posted by pilgrim at 10:21 AM | Comments (1)

October 17, 2004

I am laying low this weekend.
Hiding a lot. sleeping a lot. just to escape. i need to get away. i can't be here. present.
this week is a hard one.
anniversary of the death of my dog,\ who was my best friend, my very best friend in the entire world.
i cannot speak of it here.

i died when my dog died. i never came back from that day.
rough day. i am just sleeping a lot. i cant really talk about it. i'm doing a lot of negative things this weekend to cope. i'm too depressed to care. i just want to make it through october alive. i just want to make it through this week. i feel so alone.

Posted by pilgrim at 6:49 PM | Comments (0)

October 19, 2004

My sister posted about what it was like when she had her baby. I just want to add something--- I DID believe her about how bad the pain was. My sister hardly ever complains. And that day she was nearly screaming. I damn well did believe how bad the pain was. There wasn't a doubt in my mind that she was in total agony.

I had been up for a 24 hours already. I was so excited about the baby being born. While everyone else slept for a few hours after Sammy's birth, I (being the pathetically ecstatic new aunt that I was) took Sammy into my arms and walked around the room with her all night long, talking to her. The whole ward must have been asleep except me.
Sammy and I talked about God. We talked about what my role would be in her life. We talked about men. We talked about faith. We talked about a LOT of things...that my sister is NEVER gonna find out about ;) heh heh.
I was just too excited to sleep. I loved Sammy so much, and I just wanted to drink her in, I stared at her, memorizing her features, every eyelash, every little line on her lips, every fingernail. I was in LOVE.

Then everything went wrong.
No one else was there-- just me and Cody.
The doctor was being a complete jerk. He wasn't helping. The nurses weren't helping.
I was spacing out and dissociating.
I remember hearing myself say (in a voice that was probably Missy's) "MY SISTER IS IN PAIN. DO SOMETHING NOW. I dont CARE where the doctor is. GET HIM. NOW. DO SOMETHING. NOW."
Missy was arguing with the doctors and nurses. SadGirl was watching from the background, not understanding a thing that was going on. I kept wanting to call my mom and get her to the hospital, but my sister didn't want me to step even a few feet away from her to go reach for the phone. I should have, but I refused to leave her.
I kept talking to her. Carol kept talking to her. Missy kept talking to the doctors. I was terrified, envisioning life without my sister, and knowing I had to stay by her side no matter what. I was seeing inside all the wonderful times we'd had together when we were little. I was praying so hard.
Damn that doctor. He was no help. I was ready to strangle him. He kept telling my sister to wait. I kept telling him, "She is in pain NOW. she CANT wait! DO SOMETHING!"
asshole. :-[
Finally her husband came back, and immediately started to panic. I was so mad at him. I had been on my own with her for 2 hours, and making sure I wasn't panicking, because I knew if Cody saw panic in my face, then she was going to feel worse. But her husband came in and immediately got all worked up. Finally Cody got into surgery, after hours and hours. Her husband and I went back while she was prepped for surgery. I refused to leave her side until the last second. The nurse kept telling me to go. I kept telling the nurses, "This is my SISTER. I am not going ANYWHERE. She's my SISTER." Thank God they listened.

While we were waiting for her surgery, I started switching, from the stress. I went to sit down by the elevator back in a corner. Exhausted. I wanted to stand next to Cody's bed while the surgery went on. I was pissed at my family for coming in and not being helpful. I was annoyed that no one had even said anything like "Thanks, Pilgrim, for hanging in there all by yourself for the past 3 hours with NO HELP."
I remember collapsing in a corner. SadGirl was starting to cry and tell me inside that she wanted my therapist, that she wanted to go home. "I want S. I want her. I want to go home. I want Cody. I want to go home." Over and over again.
I dont remember much else after that. I just remember picturing myself crawling into the elevator and hiding and getting away. Just went into suspended animation. I am pretty sure that Carol handled the rest of the day, when my sister came out of surgery, when things turned out ok. After something like 48 hours I finally figured I might want to get some sleep, but I was so afraid to. I mostly watched my sister sleep and prayed for her. I watched the baby sleep. I paced the hospital a lot, riding the elevators up and down most of the evening and into the night again, after all the family had gone home. I didn't leave the hospital that week. I moved in. I told them I wasn't going anywhere. I wasn't leaving my sister. I meant it.

(Later) P.s. this is just nobody. i was there too. i cant talk about it though. i wish i could.
i am so down this week. can hardly function. sleeping lots. waiting all day to go back to bed.
everything is too much. just feel so fat and heavy and retarded and alone. i just need october to get over with.
2 more weeks to go. i just want it over with. i dont know how i'm going to get over it. i hate halloween. i hate october. everything is terrifying and no one understands.
nobody

Posted by pilgrim at 5:45 PM | Comments (1)

October 23, 2004

i'm trying hard to remain in constant motion this weekend.
if i sit still, i start to think.
if i start to think, i might start to feel.
if i start to feel, i am probably going to fall apart.
the 2 minutes i sat down today, i picked up something sharp and started cutting my arm with it, before i realized what i was doing and made myself stop, then heard inside my head someone say: "I have a secret you don't know."
I dont want to be here.

Posted by pilgrim at 11:56 PM | Comments (1)

October 24, 2004

just keep moving
dont think
dont feel
i even went to the mall to keep myself distracted.
i HATE shopping
and i hate the mall.

i had no other place to go.
in the other room are razor blades I'm aching to use, but trying so hard to stay away from them too.
I keep them just to feel "safe". SadGirl carries around bits of sharp glass, "just to feel safe."
I dont know why.

Tomorrow I'm taking off work. I have a couple doctor appointments.
Then I see my nutritionist and therapist. Thank God.
Tomorrow's going to be a really hard day. I dont want to be here for it.

Posted by pilgrim at 3:10 PM | Comments (0)

i want so much to sink down into the inky black darkness of my mind. the land of nothingness where i can escape. i haven't let myself do that today. i've forced myself to stay present all day to make sure I dont cut or anything. the pull to dissociate is so strong but i'm still trying to resist. half the time today i'm wondering why. it'd be easier to let someone else take over and handle it. Carol could handle today better than i could. SadGirl wouldnt have half the stuff on her mind that i do, if she were around. But i'm still making occassional efforts at trying to get stronger, at trying to do things on my own. On Saturday morning, I paid some bills all by myself-- a chore that used to be delegated to Missy alone, because she was the only one who could handle it. Now as long as conditions are just right, I can do the bills for a few minutes all by myself-- which is kinda cool.
But for right now, I just want to give in. I want to disappear back inside my head, where I don't have to think, don't have to be in charge, don't hear what's going on around me, everything becomes a blur, a background, far away.
that is what i want so much right now.

Posted by pilgrim at 9:54 PM | Comments (1)

October 25, 2004

Posted by pilgrim at 6:16 PM | Comments (0)