May 13, 2005

It's Pilgrim!! Hi everyone!! I just got home from the hospital, and I had a very good experience there. I've learned so much that I'm not even sure where to begin. For right now I just want to let everyone know that I am home and in a much better place. I'm glad I went off to the hospital. In 16 days I learned a lot, and I look forward to sharing things with everyone.
Pilgrim & Company.

Posted by pilgrim at 10:15 PM | Comments (3)

May 14, 2005

I've been free for 23 hours now ;) and I am loving it. I've been so extremely busy trying to catch up with everything that I missed while I was inpatient. Today my friend and I ran a lot of errands and also got massages, which felt great. My body (muscles) was so tense while being in the hospital though and doing all that therapy that I am STILL SO SORE though... I am one giant ACHE from head to toe. I can barely move at this point. But my mind is in a better place.

I feel like some of the fog that I've been living my life in has been lifted. All my life, and especially the past 10 or 15 years, I've had this dark fog covering my mind, making everything look dark and blurry around me, weighing me down. Now that I have done a LOT of work in the trauma unit, with some very tough and expert therapists who taught me a lot (which I'll get into when I have more time), it feels like my mind is working together a good deal better. It feels as though some of that fog has lifted and I can see more clearly, colors are brighter and more bold, the world looks a little sunnier.

Posted by pilgrim at 4:17 PM | Comments (0)

Tonight I finally told my husband about how I have DID. I started off by showing him my homework and artwork and journals from my hospital stay. I felt so vulnerable and afraid to let anyone see them... but I wanted to take the chance, and so I did. Then I got out a huge scrapbook project that I have been working on for a couple of years, and showed it to him... it basically is all about how things work inside my head. He was helpful and wanting to know how he could help support me.
Right now I'm very nervous about all this information getting out. Logically I know that its ok to tell my husband these things but it just still makes me really jumpy whenever anyone new finds out.
i'm shutting down...

Posted by pilgrim at 8:29 PM | Comments (2)

May 17, 2005

Today was a great day. I feel like I'm getting a life back.
At work today, things went so well. I had a great time being back where I belong and feeling needed and taking care of things, and being around my colleagues. After work I went to therapy. It was so good to see my therapist again. She is really the best. While I was waiting, I noticed that there are windows high up on the wall of the waiting area, and a skylight out there. I never noticed them before, and I've been going there for 5 years now. I never looked up before. It was a strange realization. So today while I waited for my therapist to come get me, I watched out the window, amazed that I had never even looked up, amazed I'd never seen the bright light that came in overhead. My session went really well. I shared with her a bunch of things from the hospital including work that I did there. The neat thing was, I stayed present the whole time. I was there, myself. She even noticed me using some of the others' words, expressions and gestures. Its so strange to think about. I have noticed that I'm doing it. Its weird. Its certainly not a bad thing by any means-- its just different, and something new to get used to. For instance, the word "lovely" was always Caroline's word before, but now sometimes I use it too. The word "dammit" was Missy's word always.... but I have noticed myself using it at times. Its so different.
What I need to do is keep pushing myself and to hold on to all that I learned while inpatient. I learned so much and got a lot of great skills. I actually have self-confidence now and can handle things on my own, which I never did before. My therapist said I seem more peaceful. And I do-- I'm certainly less panicky now.I feel like I can stand on my own 2 feet.

Posted by pilgrim at 5:54 PM | Comments (4)

May 18, 2005

My mentor teacher is retiring this year. We had her retirement party the other day.
She is really the best. My principal (AMAZING guy) is being moved to a different school next year. A couple other teachers are going to different district.
Oh and, the pastor of our church is leaving too, another state, Sunday is his last day.

Goodbyes are so hard. So hard.

Today at the staff meeting, our principal gave us another pep talk and told everyone how great and professional and wonderful we are, how he's never taught with a better staff in all 23 years, how he loves us and this school. About carrying on and keeping up the dream even with our new principal. (We are getting some 28 year old guy next year geez) He praised a lot of us by name.

I went by his office afterward and said to him that we will NOT let him down, we will not let our students down, we will carry on his dream and our dream for the students and the school and won't let anyone get in the dream. He was really positive. "Of course you will!" he said. "You have a vision!"
After I got to my car, I felt like crying.
Why is it that strong male role models in my life are always leaving?
Of course we will keep on going without him, and our principal will still be there in a way. Mae was upset too--thinking about times she got left by dad. I reminded her how this isn't like then-- we can still see our principal sometimes around the district. He's just going to a new school, not disappearing off the planet. And I reminded her that I'M not going anywhere, that I know she's sad and doesn't like it when people go away but that I'll stay here with her. That helped her I think. And I know that I can still visit and call my friend who's retiring as well. She'll just be a phone call or e-mail away if I want to talk to her.

But still...goodbyes are so hard.
Next week at school is going to be so tough.
I've been watching my mentor pack up her room. All year she has been giving me her old supplies and materials she no longer needs. Its like the passing down of the crown from the queen to the princess. Its a heavy load I'm going to carry, to carry on the legacy that my mentor started. I can do it, and I will do it. I have big shoes to fill, and I can fill them, but its still going to be a challenge.

I'm not sure how I'm going to handle next week, especially the last day of school. I always cry when I put my kids on the bus and send them home to their mommas on the last day, and I have to say goodbye to them for the whole summer.
I'm wondering how in the world I'm going to manage it this year, when I have to say goodbye to all these extra people too.

Posted by pilgrim at 4:02 PM | Comments (5)

May 21, 2005

I've been running myself ragged since I got home from the hospital. Today I'm working on resting, FINALLY! I've just been laying around the house, trying to take things easier, not moving around much. My heart has been hurting-- too much stress I think, and thats not good for me. I have just had so much to do, trying to catch up, and do end of the year things at work and home. However, things are finally starting to slow down now. Today I'm not going to do much at all and that is a wonderful thought. I'm going to work on little things today like scrapbooking and reading. Thats a new one for me-- WANTING to take it slow instead of rush, rush, rush. I actually sorta want to take care of myself a little. How weird is that?

Today I have printed up a bunch of my old writings that I've had saved on my computer... thought that I would share them with my husband, to let him know what's been going on the past few years. I've isolated myself so much and kept everyone out, and I dont want to do that anymore. Isolating myself just makes things worse. So I printed out my stuff, and I thought I'd offer them to him to read, when he's ready, so he knows what's been going on inside my head. I dont want to shut him out anymore. I dont want to shut the world out anymore. It isn't safe to let everyone in, but it is safe to let SOME people in SOME of the time at my choosing, with those I determine to be trustworthy, and I have learned how to do that. I want my husband to know me better and I want to know him better so we can get closer and have a better relationship. He doesn't trust the other insiders and doesn't trust me right now-- I understand that this is a lot for him to deal with. My hope is that he will understand that he already knows everyone really well because we've all been around all this time and Caroline & I can be trusted to keep things under control. But it may just take time for him (and my therapist, and friends, and others) to see, and that is understandable. The best I can do is do my best.

Posted by pilgrim at 11:16 AM | Comments (1)

May 22, 2005

Wow, what a rough morning.
I think I am helping one of the little inside ones learn to trust me and hopefully strengthening our relationship.
One of the things I've learned I need to do is not only tell the people inside that they can trust me but also ACT in ways that show them they can trust me now. I am trying to show them I am strong and can handle my life now.

We go to a very cool church. Today was a big celebration and goodbye because our pastor is moving. Parting with people is probably the hugest trigger for me and I could tell that the 5 year old was really worked up. There have just been WAY TOO MANY TIMES that people have gone away (on purpose or by accident or whatever reason) and there was no goodbye and that I just got left hanging without even knowing someone was leaving or that a person just disappeared or got taken away or got killed in an accident or killed themselves or lots of different things. And there just wasn’t a goodbye.
So today at church I made SURE that I went up to our pastor (got myself in front of a thousand people as fast as I could) and told him thank you and gave him a hug and looked him in the eyes and told him goodbye. That helped a lot. That also helped the little one calm down faster. I know its important to her to get to say goodbye to people too. Last week at the hospital a friend left and she didn’t get to say goodbye and that brought all kinds of hard stuff for her and we stopped eating. On Friday morning when some of her other friends left I made sure to say goodbye to them which made things go better.

I hope that this will help build some more trust inside. I want to make things better for the inside people who are still living in the past and having a hard time.

Posted by pilgrim at 1:50 PM | Comments (1)

May 25, 2005

Maybe if I take a little bit of time while the laundry is in the washer to just sit and write it might help. I am so tired that my eyes keep trying to close while I’m walking and I’m just too stressed out. So I have just got to sit down for a little bit before I fall down.

I don’t have any support tonight and I need some but there isn’t anybody available.
I need to figure out what to do on my own. I tried eating soup for supper and I made myself eat a few bites but I knew if I ate any more I’d be purging and I didn’t want THAT to happen so I stopped eating. and I have so much going on inside my head and there’s so many changes going on so many things are changing at work and there is so much stuff to get done at work in the next 2 days and I’m constantly so busy from 5:30 a.m. to 10 p.m. and I’m not sleeping well. AGH! Plus there are things to do at home. And the laundry and dishes don’t do themselves. There is also an emergency going on with a friend that has me really concerned and I keep thinking about her.
I just wish I could SLEEP. I need to SLEEP. For about 12 hours straight, instead of only a few. My mind is so busy that I wake up all the time, even with THREE meds to help me sleep. Even in my dreams, my mind is working over time. I can hear Mae and Misy and Caroline and sometimes Jo and Tuck and EVERYONE talking, talking, talking. Its NOT a bad thing but its just very overwhelming and I am not used to it.
Plus this thing of figuring out how to switch places with Mae like we did in my therapist's office today—that is just Weird. Bizarre. It takes a lot of energy out of me (and Mae too, I think) to be able to do that.. and it feels so strange physically inside my head and there’s a shift that goes on in my brain that I can feel, its just so odd.
Mostly I j ust feel really alone and I don’t know what to do. I’m so tired and overwhelmed. I need someone to help me out but there’s no other people who could. I almost wish I could be back at the hospital when school gets out but I have too much to do next week AND I only get 30 days a year from my insurance, and it seems like I should save them because what if things get bad in October like usual? If I use them in the summer then they will already be gone. Oh and then there’s the fact that the hospital ALREADY HAS ALL MY MONEY. I couldn’t afford to give them a dime right now, my money is spoken for and now I also have a huge credit card bill to pay. Dammit.

(Later)
I finally got ahold of my husband at work and talked to him about 10 minutes. He was in a good mood and not busy. That doesn’t happen very often. I told him what’s going on and how I’m feeling. He had some ideas to help like light some candles and don’t worry about anymore housework tonight and stuff. I feel a little bit better at least not as worked up.

Today I thought it was very helpful of Mae to let me come talk to my therapist at the end of the time and I told her so. Its strange but its nice to have Mae trying to help.
That helped me a lot to talk to my T at the end so I knew some of what was going on and I told Mae that. I have so much noise in my head and I want to do the right thing... i just nneed to figure out what the right thing to do is
i'm so tired i dont think i can keep my eyes open anymore.

Posted by pilgrim at 6:11 PM | Comments (1)

May 27, 2005

What a joyful, sad, difficult, fun day... so hard.... so many people to say goodbye to... so many kids saying "I love you Mrs Pilgrim" and giving me hugs.( I LOVE Kindergarteners and preschoolers!!) Said goodbye to several colleagues...
I love the kids so much. I am so lucky to be able to take care of them and to work at my school.
At the end of the day I had to say goodbye to my boss...he's going to be principal at another school next year... that was hard. Very hard. I promised him I'd take good care of the kids and the school and our program, and he keeps saying "Oh I KNOW you will."

goodbyes are so hard. this happens every year. i love these kids so much and I spend more time with them than their parents sometimes and I do everything with them, we do everything from learning to sit in a chair properly to potty training to writing their names.... and we all have such a close relationship... and then I have to put them on the bus and say goodbye.

I have a sign in my classroom that says something like "The goal of teaching children is to enable the children to get along without the teacher". And I know that's true. If I've done my job well, then they won't need me anymore. And its such a good feeling when I send them on their way. They have so much to be proud of themselves for, these little magical beings who transform themselves in the space of 9 months.
God i love them so much. I dont deserve this job, this honor, of being their teacher. I love them so much. I'm so lucky that God lets me take care of them, lets me be their teacher, they are all such little miracles, every one of them.
I love my job so much. I love my students so much. But oh man... my heart is aching something fierce tonight. I'm so....
alone.

Posted by pilgrim at 3:32 PM | Comments (2)

May 30, 2005

i really miss some people i was inpatient with a few weeks ago.
i'm so lonely right now. the people i want to be around are THEM, the friends i made in the hospital. the ones that i went through a bunch of hard stuff with during groups and during meals and during classes at the hospital. i miss those people who supported me when i was having such a hard time. i miss my friend who taught me how to play shuffleboard. i miss the people who stood up for me when i couldn't stand up for myself yet. i miss my friend who made sure i took my medicine every night and cajoled me into eating even when i didn't want to. I miss my friends who commisserated with me, challenged me, and let me challenge them. I miss having 24 hour support. There are so many things I need to talk about. So many difficult issues came up at the hospital, and in the last couple weeks I've been so busy that there just hasn't been time to deal with any of it. Its really frustrating, not only for me but for those inside too. And I wish I could talk things out with my friends from the hospital. People who haven't been in that situation could never understand, I think. We became like family there, it seems. Forced through emotional times together and supporting one another, even just in the 16 days I was there, made us like a family. And now I miss my hospital-family so much. I want to talk to them, check in on them, help them with anything they might be going through. I want to joke around with them again, go play basketball during rec therapy again, tell stupid jokes again, color pictures, give them hugs.
Right now I am just sad and lonely.

Posted by pilgrim at 8:31 PM | Comments (1)

May 31, 2005

This morning i went to therapy and now I'm feeling like I can handle things a little bit better. I was so tired when I got there, because I'm still not getting nearly enough sleep. I had a terrible nightmare last night, that I was hanging out with my friend and my sister at my aunt's house. We were having a good time. Then my parents came in. And somehow they got in a room alone with my friend and sister for a few minutes. Then all of a sudden, my friend and sister turned "cold" and distant. Their eyes got cold and mean and their voices got harsh.
"We found out what you're really like," they kept telling me. "WHAT? " i was begging. "Mom and Dad told us who you REALLY are. You're nothing but a liar and a cheater and a fool. You have never told the truth to any of us. Dad said all you do is LIE. He and mom said that you DID have a perfectly happy childhood and they were PERFECT PARENTS." "You made all of those stories up. You're nothing but a liar." It was terrifying. Mom and dad had gotten to them, and brain-washed my friend and sister. It was awful. I kept begging them to believe me, that I really AM telling the truth, but their eyes and hearts had turned against me, and I knew there was nothing I could do. Everything was hopeless, and I woke up scared to pieces.

So I went to therapy tired, scared, and worried, not to mention stressed out. I basically complained the whole time about all I have to do and how stressed out I am. My therapist is so good. She took notes and kept asking me, "What else is there?" She's so nice to sit there and let me whine and yawn. I did also tell her about some fun things that happened over the weekend because I'm trying to find some things to help balance out all the stressed. My therapist helped me see all the stuff that's I'm doing that's stressing me out (which is REALLY way too much), some things that I'm spending too much time stressing about that I need to cut back on and can, and we talked about prioritizing my time and needs. Its really difficult with like 8 people in my head who all have their own needs and agendas. There isn't enough time in the day.

But I feel better getting all that stuff out of my head. And I feel like I have a concrete way of handling some of it now and can prioritize a little better. I dont have to spend ALL DAY every day worrying about EVERY thing. I can pick and choose what I'm going to do just for today, and save some things for tomorrow or another day.

Then I went to my psychiatrist and got my sleeping meds changed to something else that may help me sleep better and longer during the night. Hopefully the new pill will help. I am hopefull. I'll try anything at this point to get a better night's sleep. I dont do well if I don't have a good foundation of sleep to start off my day.

I also bought a notebook for myself/selves. I think we need to have some structure like the hospital gave us as a group. We talked about it inside and we're going to start doing a daily check in and have regular daily meetings so all talk together.

I also ate a chicken sandwich in a fast food restaurant today. Like a normal person. :)

Posted by pilgrim at 2:24 PM | Comments (1)