Pilgrim's Journey > July 2007 Archives
July 5, 2007
Stuffing things down
We have only a few days until we go visit family which is the most stressful time of the year. The only reason we go is because its the only way to see our sister, who wont come here to visit. So we have just a few days to get ready to go. Something really big is going on in therapy right now... us adults don't know exactly what but apparently the kids know and just won't tell, or cant tell, or don't want to tell. But whatever it is, it also FEELS big. It feels like our therapist is really helping hard with something, and it feels like something big is being accomplished-- we just don't know WHAT it is. However for some reason its also making Mae completely mental. I dont know why. And I can't figure out how to help her.None of us know what to do with her at this point. Apparently 1 of our friends helped her last night by sending some magic fairy dust through the air waves and helped Mae get to sleep, thank goodness (now why didn't we think of that?) Other than that, Mae's been completely whiny.
Its driving me crazy. I dont know what to do. I have so much I need to do and talk about too... and I have to keep waiting my turn, and I have to keep stuffing everything inside more and more. But I dont feel equipped to handle this anymore, well really I never did in the 1st place, I'm only 17. Its not like I'm Carolineine, she's in her 30s and she's a teacher. But even she doesn't know what to do with Mae a lot of the time. But I'm the 1 who has the best connection with the inside kids, and Mae doesn't even want me around right now.
I have to figure out how to stuff things down farther inside. I HAVE to. I have to figure out how to get through the next couple of weeks. I have to make my own stuff just GO AWAY. Whatever it takes.Make my heart turn into a rock or disappear or just curl up on the couch or disappear or sleep all the time inside or just whatever. Because I can't take this anymore and I cant get the help I need.
July 7, 2007
Good books on DID/ living with DID
Here is a list of our favorite books on being multiple/ DID. There are quite a few books out there these days, but these are the ones that are our favorites because they are written to be helpful, and don't present multiplicity as total sufferers of "woa-is-me victimhood". These books are actually...oh....POSTIVE.
Check these out:
I Am More Than One by Jane Wegscheider Hyman- about women who have survived and thrived with DID.
Got Parts? An Insider's Guide to Managing Life Successfully with Dissociative Identity Disorder by A. T. W.- this is an easy read, a good starter book on how to cope
Amongst Ourselves: A Self-Help Guide to Living With Dissociative Identity Disorder by Tracy Alderman and Karen Marshall-more self help skills for people with DID, also has some help for people who care about them.
The Magic Daughter: A Memoir of Living with Multiple Personality Disorderby Jane Phillips - this is a great memoir, written in a positive way, and she gives some tips about how to handle the day to day challenges of being multiple. Our copy of this book has been read so many times that its falling apart.
All of these books can be found on Amazon.com
July 26, 2007
I'm so afraid
Maybe this is all irrational but I feel so afraid that my chest hurts, my stomach hurts, my head hurts, and I feel like I could become unglued at any second. Or have a headache. My chest is so tight.
Tomorrow we have to go to the dentist. Of whom we're absolutely terrified. We only go every few y ears, when our husband realizes how long its been and makes us go. I hate to go especially. Mae too. Its terrifying to have someone put things in my mouth. They shove those instruments in there, and do that suction thing. Its too much like bad stuff that happened with my ex boyfriend. Even though I keep telling myself, "This is not then! There's nothing happening NOW" I still can't convince myself once they've got those dang buzzing instruments sucking and clawing at my mouth. And I know that Mae will be in total terror, even if I hold myself together, she's going to be in the background inside screaming her head off like a maniac because no matter how hard I try to convince her that we'll survive, she's going to be having flashbacks of her own.
Then assuming we survive the dentist, we're getting on an airplane with our husband and going on vacation for a week. Hopefully it will be okay. It is still scary whenever we're away from home and away from the safety of our schedule and routine, the safety of our own bed and our pets. It takes a lot of energy to be out there in the world and try to pretend to be normal.