July 5, 2007

We have only a few days until we go visit family which is the most stressful time of the year. The only reason we go is because its the only way to see our sister, who wont come here to visit. So we have just a few days to get ready to go. Something really big is going on in therapy right now... us adults don't know exactly what but apparently the kids know and just won't tell, or cant tell, or don't want to tell. But whatever it is, it also FEELS big. It feels like our therapist is really helping hard with something, and it feels like something big is being accomplished-- we just don't know WHAT it is. However for some reason its also making Mae completely mental. I dont know why. And I can't figure out how to help her.None of us know what to do with her at this point. Apparently 1 of our friends helped her last night by sending some magic fairy dust through the air waves and helped Mae get to sleep, thank goodness (now why didn't we think of that?) Other than that, Mae's been completely whiny.
Its driving me crazy. I dont know what to do. I have so much I need to do and talk about too... and I have to keep waiting my turn, and I have to keep stuffing everything inside more and more. But I dont feel equipped to handle this anymore, well really I never did in the 1st place, I'm only 17. Its not like I'm Caroline, she's in her 30s and she's a teacher. But even she doesn't know what to do with Mae a lot of the time. But I'm the 1 who has the best connection with the inside kids, and Mae doesn't even want me around right now.
I have to figure out how to stuff things down farther inside. I HAVE to. I have to figure out how to get through the next couple of weeks. I have to make my own stuff just GO AWAY. Whatever it takes.Make my heart turn into a rock or disappear or just curl up on the couch or disappear or sleep all the time inside or just whatever. Because I can't take this anymore and I cant get the help I need.
jo

Posted by pilgrim at 9:34 AM | Comments (5)

July 7, 2007

Here is a list of our favorite books on being multiple/ DID. There are quite a few books out there these days, but these are the ones that are our favorites because they are written to be helpful, and don't present multiplicity as total sufferers of "woa-is-me victimhood". These books are actually...oh....POSTIVE.
Check these out:
I Am More Than One by Jane Wegscheider Hyman- about women who have survived and thrived with DID.
Got Parts? An Insider's Guide to Managing Life Successfully with Dissociative Identity Disorder by A. T. W.- this is an easy read, a good starter book on how to cope
Amongst Ourselves: A Self-Help Guide to Living With Dissociative Identity Disorder by Tracy Alderman and Karen Marshall-more self help skills for people with DID, also has some help for people who care about them.
The Magic Daughter: A Memoir of Living with Multiple Personality Disorderby Jane Phillips - this is a great memoir, written in a positive way, and she gives some tips about how to handle the day to day challenges of being multiple. Our copy of this book has been read so many times that its falling apart.
All of these books can be found on Amazon.com

Posted by pilgrim at 2:02 PM | Comments (1)

July 9, 2007

There's too much going on. We are all just way too overwhelmed. There's just not nearly enough time in therapy when there is this much going on and a trip back to our family coming up in two days. Its too much. There's too much stress and its just too much. We feel weighted down, feel like we weigh 500 pounds. Its too much. We can't get the help we need. Crunch time in therapy, there's only so much our wonderful therapist can do between the dozen of us who need her in 2 hours right before our trip when we're all on the edge of a breakdown because of the trip. The least one can do at this point is try to keep the fires from flaring up too much, and it feels like there's no hope at putting any of them out.
Our poor therapist. She tries so hard to help. And she does help so much. There's so much progress being made in so many different places inside.
For now we just have to sit inside these fires and try to keep things under control as much as we can while we head back to where everything started in the 1st place.
Could everyone PLEASE hold off on all the negative comments please about "why are you even going on this trip if its so bad?" Our SISTER is there. She doesnt come here. This is the only way to see her. So we have to go. This is called love, people. Thanks.

Posted by pilgrim at 10:52 PM | Comments (5)

July 10, 2007

Today we bought The Last Mimzy. When it came out it was instantly one of the kids favorite movies "ever". The little girl in it is SO MUCH like Mae, so sensitive and naive and intuitive, even down to her facial expressions, except that Mae has short hair. Except that the girl has a mother in the movie... that is the part that is hard to deal with. The girl in the movie has a mom that says things like "Come here, sweetie, I need a cuddle!" and gives her compliments, and spends time with her. It is our personal theory that families like this exist only in television and movies. We have never seen such a thing in real life.
One of the things that I personally love about the movie is that the little 6 year old girl is the heroine of the entire thing. Its so good for kids to see, that grown ups don't have to have all the power in the world, all the time.
Ever since the movie came out, Mae has desperately wanted Mimzy, the little bunny (he IS really cute- I would love to have it for my collection). So we have been searching. Turns out we FINALLY found a company that makes it- they have 2 versions-- collectors version (read:expensive but looks like the real one) and toy version (cute, but not QUITE as much looking like the real Mimzy) Turns out both are sold out right now. I would really, really like to save up our money, AND have the perfect timing and get on the waiting list, with the $59. 95 to get Mae the real Mimzy for Christmas.

I'm hoping the movie will keep the kids distracted today. They're all in such a state over a trip we have coming up. Total insanity. If we have to watch this movie four times today to keep distracted and out of trouble, then my golly, we're going to do it.

Posted by pilgrim at 9:33 AM | Comments (6)

July 20, 2007

Got home from another trip. An emotional one. Still trying to adjust to being home. Its hard to talk about. Still not really able to. Every trip home is like having a final exam that we didn't study for. Its shocking that we ever survive at all. (continued)...

It went ok-- nothing bad happened, and we had some really good times. Love to spend time with our sister and her kids. Its hard to leave though. Tears our hearts out to say goodbye. We feel so guilty leaving. We could never live there again...back home. It would kill us. But we hate leaving them behind. Its so hard to leave people behind that you love so much. We need to just put them in our pocket.We want so much to just pack them in a bag and bring them back with us. Save them all.
Just feeling very quiet. No one feels much like talking. Need time alone. Need time to just think.

(Things are very switchy right now--there are 3 of us here today ...sorry if this entry sounds odd.)

. There isn't time to think there on a trip home-- or perhaps rather, we don't want to think there.
We have another trip coming up. Husband wants to go visit his best friend, and where he grew up. That'll be good, for him to spend time with his best friend, and for us to get to spend some time together.
We cant wait to get back to therapy. None last week, and only the chance to go next week (twice, thankfully), and then have to miss another week of it. We are working on really hard things that we can't talk about with anybody. Its always so intense. Even Pilgrim doesn't even get what's going on all the time, she just isn't even ready to hear it.
Someone saw a commercial for info on Bipolar disorder today and told her she should get the info. We've already been diagnosed bipolar once, a long time ago. It ended up being thrown out . If only it had all been that easy. She wanted to only be bipolar. And not PTSD/ multiple/ eating disorder blah blah blah etc everything else. I don't know what she said in response to the commercial. But it would be so nice if we could just be accepted for who we are. God if we could have gotten off so easily with only bipolar or just PTSD or just ADD. Just not THIS. Its really hard when our psyche or our therapist talks about us having DID. It was really hard when we were in the hospital a few years ago and the doctors there were all like "You are most definitely DID, and you need to just accept it." Those were HARD times. It was like being hit in the stomach.
She doesnt want to be this way.But it would be easier if we felt accepted around here. We talk all the time to people,family, friends, but only online friends and our therapist know us by name and recognize each of us as individuals. Thankfully our therapist and online friends recognizes us even by our expressions and even words we use. Everywhere else, like work and home and around family and in public, we have to hide ourselves. Guess it'll be like that a long time.

Sorry for the downer of a post. We all have a lot on our minds about our trip, family, old memories, things like that, and just aren't ready to talk about it with anyone, and thats weighing us all down.We aren't even talking inside to each other right now.

Posted by pilgrim at 8:45 PM | Comments (1)

July 22, 2007

We are working on a new website that just has some of our creations on it.
Its still a work in progress, but you can look if you like:
http://pilgrim.and.company.tripod.com/

Posted by pilgrim at 10:37 AM | Comments (2)

July 24, 2007

Its just jo. I'm only here because no one else is except for Caroline, and she's obsessed with getting work done. That's all she's doing these days, is working and working more, trying to get ready for school when it starts. I think she is just trying to keep every body busy so we don't freak out, since we're all stressed out about one thing or another.
We finally got to go to therapy today. Mae talked the whole time. I'm glad she did. It made her feel a little better thank goodness. It'll be my turn to go see our therapist on Thursday, and I hope I get to. I have so much to say, and I feel safe in her office.Me, i think i'm going to just stay quiet for now .And out of sight. Out of sight means out of mind, and I dont want anyone to hear or see me right now. I feel so stupid, fat, worthless, and ugly right now. I want to just disappear for a really long time.. i just don't want to do or say anything wrong anymore.I wish I could do things right but I manage to screw up so many things. I want to just be invisible.

Posted by pilgrim at 8:03 PM | Comments (4)

July 26, 2007

Maybe this is all irrational but I feel so afraid that my chest hurts, my stomach hurts, my head hurts, and I feel like I could become unglued at any second. Or have a headache. My chest is so tight.

Tomorrow we have to go to the dentist. Of whom we're absolutely terrified. We only go every few y ears, when our husband realizes how long its been and makes us go. I hate to go especially. Mae too. Its terrifying to have someone put things in my mouth. They shove those instruments in there, and do that suction thing. Its too much like bad stuff that happened with my ex boyfriend. Even though I keep telling myself, "This is not then! There's nothing happening NOW" I still can't convince myself once they've got those dang buzzing instruments sucking and clawing at my mouth. And I know that Mae will be in total terror, even if I hold myself together, she's going to be in the background inside screaming her head off like a maniac because no matter how hard I try to convince her that we'll survive, she's going to be having flashbacks of her own.
Then assuming we survive the dentist, we're getting on an airplane with our husband and going on vacation for a week. Hopefully it will be okay. It is still scary whenever we're away from home and away from the safety of our schedule and routine, the safety of our own bed and our pets. It takes a lot of energy to be out there in the world and try to pretend to be normal.

Posted by pilgrim at 10:45 PM | Comments (4)