September 1, 2006

Hi everyone this is Caroline.
I'm sorry we haven't had much time to update our journals the past few weeks. We've been back to work for around 3-4 weeks, and since I'm mentoring some new teachers and on some committees plus trying to help out with some other things, I feel like I'm running around all day long.
I'm ready to have my nervous breakdown right about NOW. I practically live on my computer. I've been busy doing all kinds of things, including school projects for others, and my own classroom things on my workstation at school. Well the other day my computer decided it needed to die. I talked nice to it. I threatened it. I offered it stickers. I hit it a few times. I gave it choices. Its choice was to begin dying.
So I have been trying to back up all my files. The past 2 days I've spent several hours taking & fixing up pictures for school webpages. Today, some "computer expert" came to "FIX" my computer. I told her it didn't need fixing, It needs a new hard drive. She decided to "fix" it anyway. I told her, I really don't think its going to work. I was trying to stick up for my computer.
WELL. She fixed it alright. It is now in the throes of death. AND EVERYTHING-- EVERYTHING-ALL OF MY WORK IS GONE. Everything I have been doing for 3 weeks at school. EVERY DOCUMENT. Every lesson plan. Every picture. Every plan and schedule. Its GONE.
Now I have to re-do EVERYTHING. And spend all those hours and hours retyping, and re-inventing, and re-doing, and re-loading, and re-writing. The kids aren't going to like this much. This is vital assessment things, required paperwork, required lesson plans, etc that we HAVE to have for school, and the things that HAVE to get back up on the webpages, etc. I feel like my hands are tied. As I was trying to deal with this, 2 other teachers came up and told me they needed my help too. Then someone called who needed my help. I feel like I'm under a lot of pressure. I'm handling it though. Its just a lot at the moment now that my computer crashed
On the bright side, I have a terrific class this year. They make me laugh a lot, and we have a good time in my classroom. Some moments are pretty hard, but the days are so busy that they go by fairly quickly. At night I work on things for school.
In therapy I think the kids have been working hard. We're trying to get Pilgrim to be more aware of the things that are going on around her-- something she's not too keen on. Jo has had a little bit of time to talk to our therapist, and Mae got a little bit of time a couple weeks ago. Our school has corporal punishment, and I had to be a witness for a paddling the other day--- that caused some pretty difficult flashbacks for everyone inside. I think we're going to need to talk about that with our T.
We are also still working on making friends. Offered to take someone to dinner-- hopefully they will take me up on it. I hope that the friendships I'm trying to form with 2 of the new teachers at our school will pan out.

Posted by pilgrim at 8:24 PM | Comments (2)

September 3, 2006

dammit, forget it. i dont want to see any of my words up.yes, everyone, i left your comments.

Posted by pilgrim at 8:05 PM | Comments (3)

September 8, 2006

The past couple of weeks in therapy, my therapist has been talking about how she doesn't know very much about me. Me--Pilgrim,me. The supposedly "core" person, the original. She was saying how it seems like everyone else-- Mae, Jo, Caroline, etc-- is well defined. She knows all about them. They have things they like, things they don't, things they do, things they don't do. But I am rather foggy and shadowy. Its really unclear what I like and don't like. Not really sure what I do or don't do. Its hard to tell if I have any sort of identity at all.
When she said that, I hid my eyes.
Dammit.
She found out my secret.
As she always does.
That, my foggy-not-really-here-ness thing I've got going, is just about the only thing I've ever had to keep me safe.
Anything that ever happened-- it didn't happen to me. Because I'm just this ghostgirl, this invisible sort of...non-presence... it's safer. Its easier and faster for me to fade away and dissociate when I was barely here to begin with.
She asked me if I'd like to be more real-- more defined--more like the others. I did say yes. That would be nice. Now that honestly, the dissociating trick isn't REALLY necessary anymore (I just THINK it is), it would be rather good to be a really person, to be like everyone else.
But how?
How do I figure out who I am? Anything I've ever liked, from what I want for dinner to what movie I watch, is because of what someone inside wants. IE: "What do you want to eat for supper?" Well... Mae says she wants macaroni and cheese; the boys are hungry for hamburgers. What do I want? I dont know. I dont even really taste food. Its just sort of there. So I say, "Either macaroni and cheese or hamburgers sound good." or, "What do you want to do tonight?" Well I know Caroline is really tired, Mae needs to play, Jo needs to do something quiet. Probably staying home and playing a game with our DH would be a good idea. What do I want to do? I just want to stay out of trouble and try to keep everyone happy.
I have filled out dozens of those memes and survery forms, and even the MMPI one summer. Taking that was a challenge. We were switching so much that the test was finished by 4 of us. The same goes with quizzes and online personality tests, things like that. We all answer. If it were up to just me to answer questions, I don't think I could do it-- the answers would elude me.
How do I figure this out?

Posted by pilgrim at 9:20 PM | Comments (1)

September 9, 2006

We have been spending hours on Youtube.com watching videos of animals to give the kids something to do whenever the grown ups are trying to relax and take a break from work. Here are some really good ones!

Kittens:

Guinea Pigs

Puppies:

Posted by pilgrim at 9:14 PM | Comments (1)

I just wanted to let readers know that I have updated A Mind's Journey, our online community for people with dissociative disorders. Recently we've added some new forums, such as a place for members to share their story with other members; an extra place for members to get to know each other through games, quizzes, and questions, and just tonight we added a special spot just for Tweens ages 9-12 as an addition to the other forums we have for Child alters, Teen alters, and adults. In the past few years A Mind's Journey has grown from just a handful of members to a few hundred but it still remains a safe and close community. I hope that more people people with DID and dissociative disorders will come check us out.
A Mind's Journey

Posted by pilgrim at 9:32 PM | Comments (2)

September 10, 2006

Is there anyone on Earth who doesn't know that tomorrow is the 5th anniversary of the attack on the World Trade Center? Its everywhere. All weekend long on television there are programs. Its in the newspaper and in magazinesand on the radio. Everyone talking about where they were. What they were doing. Who they were with.
There's no escaping it. If you try to talk about it, everyone tries to one up you: oh yah, you heard _____? Well I was doing _____ and so-and-so knows _______ and THEY DIED! And my tragedy is greater than yours!
I need to escape it. I'm so afraid to go to work tomorrow. What if something happens? I'm terrified. I feel like I need to cut, to hide in my house, to spend the day on the couch with my blanket pulled over my head.
I wish I could e-mail my therapist. I wish I could call her. Usually I would, but I e-mailed her 2 or 3 times last week, and I just feel so dumb and intrusive that I don't want to bother her again. And besides, what is there to say? I CANT TALK ABOUT IT. I haven't EVER talked about it with ANYONE. And I dont know if I ever will be able to.
I can't talk about what happened inside of me that day. No, I didn't know anyone who died. No, I wasn't there.
What happened inside was...different. i cant talk about it. i cant.
What I can say is this: before September 11, I was doing really good. That fall, I was pulling myself together. We have videos-- my best friend and I playing in the park. I LAUGHED. I did cartwheels in the park. At NIGHT. I goofed around. I was eating. i laughed back then.
i laughed.
And then, the world came tumbling down.

Posted by pilgrim at 6:19 PM | Comments (4)

September 19, 2006

I havent written in a little over a week. It isn't that I dont have anything to say. I have way too many things to say. Its just that I can't organize my thoughts. Too many things going on inside. Not necessarily in a chaotic way, things just feel foggy.
School is very very busy as always. Today though I got some beautiful, thoughtful compliments from a co-worker on what a great, organized, patient teacher I am. It really meant a lot to me and came at a good time. I have been told by a lot of people how patient I am. Its just myself I am not patient with.
Therapy is fuzzy too. Its been 8 days since our last session and we have 2 more days to wait. My feelings are shut down. When we have to wait too long inbetween sessions, things go crazy inside. They get out of control. To protect myself I just shut down farther.
I'm trying to lose weight. Right now I don't really care that my dietician doesn't want me to. She is having me fill out this food record about how I feel before and after I eat. We all (inside) have to fill it out every time we eat something. I dont have anything to say about it except that its dumb, because I don't feel anything. And I also don't have time for it, but I have to do it anyway.
Today is a former students birthday.He is 17 today. When I first got him in my class, he was 8. I had him for 5 years. And I miss him so, so much. I miss that entire class so much that at times my heart can barely take it. I think about them a lot. But I had to leave the school that my class was at, because my principal was a big, bully-ish bitch and I refused to work in such a negative environment anymore. Now I work at a positive, uplifting school that I love. But I had to leave my special ed class behind. And I think about those kids every day. Only now they aren't little kids anymore. They are turning 15, 16, 17, years old some of them. And I miss them so much.
I have been having sad dreams. Last night I woke up crying because in my dreams I kept calling all my new friends my OLD best friend's name. I still am mad at her for what she did 2 years ago.
There are other things going on that I just can't talk about. I feel lonely and isolated. I wish I had someone to talk to.
Anyway, there's my update. I'm sorry if I sound all....robotic. I feel robotic right now. I'm just trying to get my thoughts down. I am very, very removed from the world at the moment. I am just trying to get through another day.

Posted by pilgrim at 4:08 PM | Comments (2)

September 20, 2006

For months now, my state has been building up hype about giving teachers a terrific pay raise. We've heard about it on the news and in the papers, and talk has been going around my school district and in the teacher's lounge. Everyone has been talking about how it was going to make our state more competitive, get us closer to the national average (we're one of the largest states and one of the richest-- you'd think we'd be above the national average to begin with.) The hype has just been building and building.
Well, I teach special education. And most states offer a stipend to special ed teachers, an incentive to get teachers to teach special ed, especially since it takes a longer time in college, much more training, more skills, and a hell of a whole lot more patience. Special ed teachers are harder to come across. Having a stipend is sort of like a bribe/ reward to keep you working here.
Three years ago when my district gave a pay raise, half my stipend got taken away, resulting in me actually having a lower paycheck as a result of the "raise."
I was hoping for better results this year, especially since the state people kept bragging about how GREAT and BIG this year's pay raise was going to be. I heard amounts like $3,000 and $4,000 floating around in the air.
Well.
The other day I found out that the REST of my special ed stipend money was taken away.
We got paid this week
As a result of my "RAISE", I am taking home less than $25 more a month.
Woo hoo. I'm going to try not to spend all that in 1 place. Really.
I wrote a letter to my superintendent, but as he is on his way to Retirement-Land this year, I doubt that he cares.
You know, I'm not in this for the money, so much. I love the kids. I have a comfortable home, a car that runs, and my pets are taken care of. My teacher retirement fund won't allow me to live in squalor, and our district health insurance sucks eggs, but I've started a 403B account, so at least that's something.
The thing that gets me is that they built this raise up so much. They made it sound like they were doing us teachers this big favor. And then to get my check today and see the number--- and double check, and triple check-- was I seeing the numbers right? Did they make a mistake? Was it even my check? What the heck? --- that was a huge let down.
I had plans for the extra money I was going to make. I was planning to go back to my nutritionist every month like I need to. I was planning to go back to the chiropractor every couple of weeks like I need to (desperately.) With my "raise", I can't even afford the gas to get there. So once again, I have to keep making do without those needed appointments. And I'm trying hard to work on recovery and taking care of myself-- but how am I supposed to, when I cannot afford it?
And I feel so unappreciated. It feels like America is going to hell in a handbasket. Standards everywhere are slacking off, yet my job gets harder, teaching standars get higher, I have more and more laws I have to adhere to, parents get more difficult, kids come in lower and knowing less, I have to raise the bar for myself all the time, I have more responsibilities than ever, and the people I work for don't acknowledge anything I do. What they do instead is allow my stipend to get taken away, and the government gets away with paying actors millions of dollars while I raise tomorrow's future for next to nothing.
I apologize for my petty-ness. My disappointment after the big build up is hard for me to take today. I know that the people that it REALLY counts to-- my children and their parents--- are the ones whose opinions really count. And I know that my little kids in my class think I make a difference. And I know that they appreciate me. And I know that ....well, SOME.... of their parents appreciate what I do for their children. And its their opinion that really matters, not what the government thinks or what I get paid.

Posted by pilgrim at 5:53 PM | Comments (3)

September 23, 2006

Today we went out to lunch with a couple of friends. Ate a sandwich and and a soda. Chatted some and even laughed. Mostly talked about work, which is a safe area. But the good thing was, it was for over an hour, we ate and talked like a normal person, in a restaurant with other adults, and didn't screw anything up that we can tell. Hurray!
Mae had a good therapy session the other day. I'm going to just copy and paste what she wrote about it, although I'm going to edit out the name of our therapist.:

[went to see T] and her say i did good. i did cry a litol cus i did tell her when i was 4 about the bad pepol a litol when i did go with no close on and things did be bad and i think it be my falt but i dont want to say now so dont say nothing ok.
and then her ask me if i no how to ride my bike with no traning wheels and i say i kind of do but the big girls they ride good and tuck he ride good but i be wobbley. and her say i big big onoff for no more traning wehhles and i be big enoff to not werry ene more if it be my fallt anemore and if i start to werry then tell my self i dont got to think abot it ene more. her say my famley did be sick and got bad thots for what they did and did say
and T did even ask me if i did want to coler!! we dint do that a long time and her sit on the cowch with me and her and me coler a pitcher of fall. and mer and her ech coler a page
and we talk abot fall and i say how i be so scard of fall becos of the bad pepol and haloween and it be so scary. and i say but i wish i culd like fall it got pretty colers and levs and trees and it smell good we got candols.
but you no waht T say?> her say it be ok to like fall even if there be holoween and evn if bad things did happein . her say i be alowd to like fall if i want. i dint no that. her say her like fall her like vnilla candols to and her like the wehter.
so i think i do like fall
i do like it when her sits by me when we coler her askt me to thats nise and her say i used my time good i got to talk 2 ours the hole time i love her lots
from mae

Posted by pilgrim at 8:20 PM | Comments (4)

September 26, 2006

Therapy has been intense lately.
Tonight I came home and I'm exhausted.
Mae tried to take our T some new crayons that she bought her but they melted in the car :( But they did open the box in therapy today and look at all the pretty colors blended together.
Then Mae talked about this thing that we used to see... this video... that someone in the family had. We would see it sometimes. It was terrible and showed terrible things. I'm not going to ever, ever talk about it with anyone besides our T. We still have the nightmare images in front of our eyes.
Our T talked to her about how she can imagine the images or on a TV, and Mae can turn the knob on the TV herself until the tv picture fades to all white. Then she can imagine herself taking the tv outside, filling it up with helium, and it turns into a balloon. Then the balloon goes up,up,up in the air, floats away, with all the bad pictures, and in a little bit she hears a POP, and all the memories pop into a billion little pieces and go away. I think it will help Mae. Mae was so tired. T gave her a hug and rocked her back and forth on the couch. Mae got so tired. I talked for a little bit but it was about the same topic. It was too hard. I disappeared after a little bit too. Its been a rough night. I dont know... there are so many things I dont want to remember.
Jo

Posted by pilgrim at 6:33 PM | Comments (3)

September 27, 2006

YouTube seems to be one of the biggest crazes lately, and I spend a lot of time zoning out to various videos there when I need to just relax. They have a bunch of rather stupid videos that they say are on multiple personalities, but are actually just making fun of it-- which is pretty typical, and not surprising. However, there is one video there that is fairly new, and it actually is fairly good. I wanted to share it. It has a quite good representation of what DID is like for ME. Note that I am not saying that this is what its like for everyone or all multiples or anything like that... I am saying that this is something that I've found that has the best representation available so far of what its like for ME to have inside people, and how things are like inside my head. It also has a little twist at the very end which I thought was quite clever.
INSIDE on YouTube
Let me know what you think.

Posted by pilgrim at 5:19 PM | Comments (6)

September 29, 2006

This morning I went to see my nutritionist. I love her. She weighed me though-- I have lost more weight. She isn't exactly thrilled with me. I did an ok job recording in my food logs, but she says that we ALL have to write down what we eat, no matter how old we are or who is eating or how we write. Even MAE has to write down what she eats. Our food logs were all disorganized. I tried to explain, this is how my whole life is-- all disorganized and we all can't remember stuff, we forget stuff all the time. During the appointment, we were switching and there were 3 of us trying to talk. I dont know if we even made sense the whole appointment. My Nutritionist says if the boys want to eat meat, I need to eat meat. Yuck. I told her the boys can eat ALL the meat they want on their OWN time. I am not going to eat meat. Its just wrong. AAAGHHHH.I remember ending up curling up on the couch in her pillows trying to disappear while we argued over how I think I am fat and she says I am not.
She's going to tell my T how I lost weight. My T is going to kill me.
I have to go back in 10 days for another check in with my nutritionist. Wheeee.

Posted by pilgrim at 7:21 PM | Comments (2)