Pilgrim's Journey > December 2006 Archives
December 7, 2006
I can't believe I did that.
It was just like a year or 2 ago that everyone started calling me jo. they wanted me to just choose a name. because i just called myself nobody. T didnt want everyone just calling me nobody, and she didn't like calling me that. so i told her how they could call me jo. its one of the shortest names i could think of. its also short for jodi, which i secretly called myself back when we lived with our family a long time ago and i worked in this drugstore. I remember how I'd walk around the drugstore with a packet of Skittles in my pocket (we had to wear these ugly blue uniform coat things), and every time someone would call me by Pilgrim's name, I would chant to myself, "But my name is Jodi. My name is Jodi."
well there is this other name. i picked it out when i was 14. which is really when i started being around. i picked it out because our best friend had this big sister who was really cool and pretty, and was on the volleyball team, and she had this really pretty, beautiful, thin, fun and sweet best friend. And so many people liked her best friend. and so i wanted to have her best friend's name. it was always what i really wanted to be named.
For a few weeks I was really, really wanting to tell our therapist what it was. But I just didn't know how.
Well I did it. I got up the courage the other day.
I was starting to cry because i also told her the reason why i picked that name. I wanted to cut so bad. I was just so nervous and embarassed.
She didn't make fun of me.
She talked about how when she was my age, she wanted a different name too, and she told me what it was, and why. She talked about how she knows how hard it is to be an adolescent and how I need compassion and to not be made fun of.
you know what i did? it was almost the end of the session. i asked her if she would come sit next to me and give me a hug. And she DID. she wrapped her arms around me and held me until it was time to go.
gosh i wish every time of therapy went that well. i still can't believe i did that.
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December 8, 2006
i dont have the words
words-- they're too hard to find.
need to run
need to cut
have to run away
I feel like a caged animal.
I've been home sick all week. Its the flu or something. But I know its more than that. I am unbelievably worried about someone. I worry so much that it makes me sick to my stomach. I feel like I need to go rescue someone. I need to go shake them by the shoulders and wake them up and scream in their face but they're in a daze and won't hear it. And it makes me worry constantly right now. Because I have been there. In almost the same situation and I know the thoughts and feelings they are having and I KNOW what it does to you. But I can't make decisions for them and I wish they could. And I am so scared for them. And I am getting stomachache after stomachache. I haven't been able to eat for days. Drinking 1 or 2 stupid Boost drinks a day instead... my nutritionist is going to have a fit. But I can't stop worrying. I have nightmares. I KNOW what can happen to this person and I need to save them and I cant.
I need to get away. Just get away. Carolineine handles everything better anyway.
December 12, 2006
Not doing so great
Been worrying constantly so we always have a bad stomach ache and always nauseous. Having nightmares about ex-boyfriend every night and all the abuse he did and all the bad things he said and did. About how we kept saying we could handle it when we knew we were in over our heads.
Keep waking up all night long. Too much chaos inside all the time, too many flashbacks. Tonight therapy sucked. Mae needed to talk really bad and went in to talk to our T all upset. To didn't want to talk to her, said she needed to talk to grown ups. She thinks we're losing weight, we look thinner, food logs dont look very good, etc etc etc. She knows we do eating disorder things when we're stressed. STRESSED? NO SHIT. Constant stress between Carolineine trying to do report cards at work and worrying constantly about the safety of loved ones and Mae having flashbacks and being worried about going home for Christmas. It just never ends. T tonight was supposed to about how we can't save people for them. That other people we want to protect are grown ups and have to make decisions for themselves. Even my sister.
We can't live with that.
If anything ever happens to my sister I will never be able to live with myself.
So T pushed and pushed and pushed for talking and answers until we were laying face down on the couch and shut down.
Then the session got worse from there.
Then Mae wouldn't let a grown up drive her home.
And T was going to call the police if a grown up didn't come to drive us all home.
Mae wouldn't leave.
So T was being just as stubborn as her . Then Missy freaked out and yelled at Mae and said she was going to have a TALK with her and made Mae apologize for being bad and selfish
and T didn't want an apology of course, she just wanted Mae to... i dont know. Work together inside
Then Missy got all pissed off with Mae, and told her that because she was being bad and selfish and wanted to talk to T and kept asking and then didn't want to leave, Santa is going to take back her Christmas presents.
So Mae has been crying over that.
And she wrote us all a letter saying how sorry she is and wrote a letter to Santa saying to please find a gooder girl to give her presents to and she is all worked up tonight
and Jo is wanting to die
and the rest of us are just exhausted
and dont know how we're going to make it
and just want to give up.