October 5, 2007

I really want to come back and say something wise or thrilling.
But I don't have anything.
Things have been very complicated the past week or so. You know how you just have some days when everything that can go wrong, will? That's what the past 2 weeks are like. I go to fix one thing, and another thing breaks. I try to get one thing done, and 3 or 5 more things pop up to get in the way that have to be done NOW and have a DEADLINE and require my IMMEDIATE attention... and then while I am working on those, something else happens that also needs my immediate attention. Then while I'm trying to do that, something else goes wrong, I have to fix that, and then I'm behind...
Its been pure craziness.
What I'm trying hard to do is learn to be calm inside in the midst of all this insanity. I'm not doing a very good job at it, but maybe I am getting a little bit better.

October is a hard, hard month for us. We're already having increased flashbacks because of anniversaries of things. Most of the time they are not too bad. Its mainly the stress of work that is adding to the problems right now. Our doctor gave us some new meds to try which should help with the anxiety... Klonopin. So hopefully it'll work.
We did some paintings, and that seemed to help. We've also been working on collages and other artwork.
We are trying hard to be MINDFUL... working on that a lot. Learning that thoughts are only thoughts, and don't require action. Trying to work on non-judgment of our feelings and thoughts. And being in the present moment. Those things, we hope, will help us learn to be more calm.
For all of us.

Posted by pilgrim at 10:50 PM | Comments (1)

October 6, 2007

So my husband got me a massage for our anniversary... which is one of my favorite things.

I have a regular massage therapist-- she is just wonderful. Very gentle, and soft hands. I just love her. She always greets me with a hug. I've been going for about 2 years I think. So she knows me well.
So today I got there, and all I said was "hi".... I thought I said it pretty wholeheartedly... and she says, "You've been sick."
(how did she know that? I had makeup on... looked pretty decent)
"I can tell. You're psyche is very fragile."
wow.
I felt so exposed. And I thought I was hiding myself so well.
So.... just... I dont even know how to react.
Am I that transparent? Do I show that much to outsiders? And if I do, crap! I'm supposed to be the strong one! Do I need to try harder? I'm supposed to be the happy, outgoing one. Does that mean my time is up? Do we need to let Missy take over for a while to get things done? Can people tell I am stressed out as I feel? Can people tell I've got a war going on in my head? I'm supposed to be the calm one!

During the massage, I did better today. Usually my mind wanders-- the kids, the past, the future things to do, worries. Today it wandered a little, but I did a better job of being mindful. I brought my attention back to the massage-- the feeling of her soft hands, the sensation of the heat and the oil and how good it felt for someone to actually touch me, how good my shoulders felt to get some of that tension out, things like that. Then my mind would wander to "things to do at school next week, the craft project I want to do"-- and I'd say "Oops, there I go again"-- and get my mind back on the music playing in the room, picturing myself on the beach. I think the massage felt better today because we have been sick for the better part of the past 2 weeks, and so everyone has been staying away from us. Feeling so distant, so left alone. Like we've been on a deserted island. To have 90 minutes where someone was giving me a massage was heavenly. She never says anything about all our scars, or losing weight, or bruises. I tried to concentrate on my breathing a lot. I think it helped. Then afterwards, I got brave and finally tried to eat something-- haven't been able to for several days now because of whatever MONSTER attacked my stomach and made me throw up every lately.. I was SO ready for some real food and not my "gatorade/tea/chicken soup combo" I've been having to live off of. It kind of tasted yucky and made my stomache queazy, but, I ate a chicken sandwich... SOOO much better than chicken soup.

But ya... my psyche is fragile?
I mean... she's right. Of course. That's what worries me.
I guess that someone noticed so fast, and said it with actual compassion, is what unnerved me.
Caroline

Posted by pilgrim at 9:08 PM | Comments (4)

October 19, 2007

Sorry it took me so long to update this journal. We have been really sick for a few weeks now. We're just now getting back to normal.
Also, our journal (Pilgrim's Journey) isn't listed on the main health diaries home page any more. For some reason, Dissociative Identity Disorder isn't listed up there in the topics like it used to be. So if you ever want to find this journal and 1 of our entries isn't up here to link to it, please go to this link: http://www.healthdiaries.com/blogs/pilgrim/ or you can just put Pilgrim's Journey in the search up at the top of the page.
So anyway, we have been really sick for several weeks and are just now getting better...

We had to miss some work, but we're better now. October is always a really hard month for all of us for a lot of reasons. I just don't want to get into it tonight. I want to say something good that I did today.
Last night was a really really hard session with my therapist. I talked about something that was really hard for me. My therapist said I was brave. That kind of made me feel better.
Today I had something else to go to instead of work. And I was someplace on my own where I didn't know anybody. I had a lunch that Caroline had packed for us, our usual peanut butter sandwich and stuff. But I wanted to find something more interesting, so I went to a Denny's that was nearby.
And I was looking at the menu and starting to chicken out and I was about to just leave. Because it just was way too much all of a sudden. I HATE to go out to eat. And I never ever ever go to eat by myself. And sit down in a restaurant?! no freaking WAY. So i was about to get up but then i remembered how my therapist said last night i was brave for talking... so i made myself sit. And the waitress came and i ordered a chicken sandwich. for myself. I was even really polite to her even though i was so nervous. And I made myself sit there and eat and look at a magazine and i sat there for half an hour. in an actual restaurant by myself.
i did it, even though it is october, too.
Another thing that we have all been doing a lot is artwork and collages. We're making an art journal instead of a written journal. Being artsy is helping some.
The nightmares about October and all the bad stuff that happened and everything, are still going on and are still hard, but i think that maybe this year we are being a little braver.

Posted by pilgrim at 11:18 PM | Comments (5)

October 28, 2007

I'm counting the days til Halloween is over. November can't get here soon enough.
There's so much going on, inside and at work and at home, and it seems like I'm constantly busy, constantly behind in my work, even when I work after school and in the evening and on the weekends and go to work early. There's something always going wrong or getting in the way (from someone else-- outside people or outside situations) that keep me from getting my work completely finished. Its so frustrating. I haven't been handling it well at all. I've lost a few pounds this month, as well as a few pieces of my mind I think. Just need to get through a few more days.
Something that has been helping is keeping a journal, but its an art journal, and we're still doing that. So we're all getting addicted to needing to do art nearly every day, although we rarely have time. Been spending a little bit of money on chalks, scrapbooking supplies, ink pads, things like that. We're starting to need artwork like we need air.

Posted by pilgrim at 3:59 PM | Comments (1)