June 4, 2008

I guess I am having a harder time and wanting to isolate more. This week would have been the "anniversary" of starting therapy with Sharon. Having a hard time with it.Anniversaries of all sorts have always been a big deal to us. Missing her more. Words can't express how much we miss talking to her, miss her hugs, her insight, the comfort of her office and her safety, joking around with her, talking to her about our life. Mae keeps wanting to call her and write her. On occassion when we do e-mail her she does not respond. So its like we're being ignored. Rejection is just hard. I don't blame Sharon. I get it. We screwed up, and she got sick of us. I get it. So we have to "pay" for it, or she's punishing us by ignoring us, or whatever. But I wish so much we could just talk to her... just a little. It hurts so much to just be what feels like "banished" for her life. We loved her so much, and she supposedly cared so much, but now she will have nothing to do with us, and it just hurts so much that words can't express it.
It gives me stomach aches and Mae cries at night often still. I try so hard to not think about it. Whenever I start thinking about Sharon and what happened, I try to start thinking about God and things God has done for me. I try to pray instead, and things like that. I hope that sometime soon I will overcome my stupid thoughts.

Posted by pilgrim at 1:11 PM

June 7, 2008

I don't know how many people saw it, but the remake of the original "Sybil" movie was on CBS tonight.

I watched it and thought it was okay. Could have been done better but it CERTAINLY could have been a lot worse! I thought the girl was trying to be too much like Sally Field. But she did well. That's a hard role to play and Sally Field's shoes are big ones to fill with that role, you know? I certainly wouldn't want to do it! I'm sure it must have been emotionally exhausting. On a scale of 1 to 10 I'd give it a 5. The original Sybil is one of my favorite movies and nothing could ever do it justice.

It was hard for us to watch. Reminded me and Mae so much of the old Sybil... and brought up many triggers of memories from the past, and brought of many memories of therapy sessions with our old therapist (for instance, seeing "Ruthie" and "Peggy" talking with the therapist, coloring on the floor like we used to with Sharon, crying, etc) .... I was very switchy and spaced out. Mae wanted Sharon so bad and so did I, and we were just missing her so much that it was hard to watch the movie. Ended up crying pretty hard at some points. There's just this ache that doesn't go away. I don't want to go into it anymore... I want to just get over it, and that won't happen if I keep talking about it. I just wish I could forget.

Posted by pilgrim at 9:03 PM | Comments (10)

June 8, 2008

I don't know if we have mentioned this very often (if at all, as I try not to read any of our old posts, too triggering) but we paint and make jewelry as a hobby. Since I lost Sharon I have been trying hard to keep my mind on other things and have been using art as an escape. One of the things I have learned to do is make silver jewelry, dichroic glass jewelry, and have learned to paint with acrylics, oils, and watercolors.
The following are links to photographs of some new paintings which are for sale for $30 apiece plus s/h. In the next few weeks I will have some jewelry for sale and will post pictures.

http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a107/EveryoneInside/changepossiblepainting.jpg

http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a107/EveryoneInside/changepossiblepainting.jpg

http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a107/EveryoneInside/growpainting.jpg

http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a107/EveryoneInside/bespirited.jpg

http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a107/EveryoneInside/shinepainting.jpg ($15)

An example of my jewelry (not for sale right now)
http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a107/EveryoneInside/dichroicglass.jpg

Posted by pilgrim at 1:04 PM | Comments (0)

June 9, 2008

I just got surprising news tonight. My husband is sending me to the Joyce Meyer Women's Conference in St. Louis ! Its October 2-4 this year. I have been wanting to go but of course I didn't say anything, I don't have a way to get to St. Louis, and no one to go with, and its expensive to fly. I have been talking about it because I told my husband I am hoping that next year they will have it in the summer and not during the school year so maybe I could go. But he is surprising me and sending me there as my birthday present.

And I REALLY REALLY needing encouraging news tonight because I've had a really rough couple days, with the 6 month anniversary of losing you-know-how and all, then some rough stuff today too. Yay! I am so grateful that my husband surprised me with this news tonight. Joyce Meyer is an awesome speaker and I've learned a lot from reading her books and listening to her CD's and DVD's. This will be really cool.

Posted by pilgrim at 8:03 PM | Comments (8)

June 10, 2008

Its been six months since Sharon left. Six months tonight. I have been trying really hard today to focus only on positive things...on God. I have had to turn my heart and mind off. Today I went through a box of my old journals and papers from therapy and threw most of them away. It just hurt to look at them. I saved one thing... a picture that Sharon and I drew together years ago that has peoples names on the back including hers saying how people love me and want the best for me. I wonder if its still true. I wonder if she still cares, or ever thinks of me. She used to care so much. I miss her so much. My heart just hurts. I haven't eaten much today. Every time my stomach growls and I go to eat... I have a flashback of that last night, of what Sharon said. And I just don't feel like eating.
God has done good things for me. Every morning before I get out of bed, I start talking to God and thank him for all the good things he has already done for me, for watching out for me. I will always give God praise, no matter how alone and hurt I am. I know he knows what is best. Today it was just kind of hard.
I don't care to have any comments on this post. For those of you who want to be judgmental about what I'm going through, you can keep your comments to yourself. You don't know what I'm going through, and you're not in my shoes. I don't care what negative commenters think anyway, because people don't have any right to judge me or my life.
I just miss her.

Posted by pilgrim at 5:42 PM

June 14, 2008

On here you can see some of my artwork and jewelry. The jewelry pictures will be updated because a few pieces have already been sold, and several pieces are going to be fixed up and made prettier-- I bought some pretty beads and wire today to fix them up. But you can see the site in its beginning stages if you like:
http://freeforfaith.tripod.com/

Posted by pilgrim at 10:57 PM | Comments (0)

June 19, 2008

In a few days I'm going on vacation to visit my family. It really shouldn't be a big deal. I get to go see my sister, and she makes me laugh harder than anyone I know. We always have a good time. I should focus on that. I get very stressed about going to see my family. Between the stress in my family's houses, the different routine, the food, and all the comments they make, its always an interesting trip. Right now I am kind of down. Every year I have always had my therapist and nutritionist to help me get ready to go, help prepare me mentally. They've always been there to psyche me up, help me make a plan, or if nothing else then just give me pep talks. This is the 1st year I don't have them, and I'm really missing their support. Today I had a temporary and short meltdown about that. I miss them so much. I just miss them so much, and I want them back so bad. I feel like a big fat failure, if I could have just figured out somehow a way to make the DID go away, or to make myself get over the eating disorder faster, or just SOMETHING, ANYTHING, then I wouldn't have lost them. If I could have just tried harder. I hate that I don't have them anymore. I learned my lesson. I"m so mad at myself. I miss them so much. I can't blame them for anything. I wish so much I could have had another chance but they don't want to give me one and I don't blame them. But I just miss Sharon and my nutritionist so much. It hurts to not be wanted anymore, to have people choose to not be around me anymore. It hurts to not be wanted, to have people give up on me.

Posted by pilgrim at 11:06 PM

June 25, 2008

I have been on vacation visiting my family and its always really stressful for me to be here (flashbacks and stuff) . The last time I was here I still had my therapist to talk to for support. The last time I was here, things were still okay between us, I still had my old life, and I hadn't yet gotten dumped by her. I thought everything was okay. Being here and remembering that has been so hard and makes me miss Sharon so much that I can barely breathe at times. I want her back so much. There are so many things I need to say to her. Night times are so hard.

Anyway, being with my sister's kids has been so fun. In just the 2 days I've been here, we have done all this and more:
In less than 2 days (of daylight) we have:
chased tree frogs and caught them and made them a habitat
picked flowers to feed a wild bunny
played with kittens
played in the barn
played on the swings
played "Indiana Jones"
taught the 5 year old how to help with laundry
played school
practiced riding a bike without training wheels!!!!!
played dress up (like Disney Princesses, of COURSE
played doctor
taken 2 baths
gone swimming
made and decorated 3 cakes
done crafts, complete with GLITTER GEL
looked for books at the library
read books together
had a bonfire with grandparents
had ice cream at least 4 times
gotten trapped out in the barn during a rainstorm and giggled our heads off
attacked aunt Pilgrim with a makeup kit (I was QUITE the beauty queen )
and I still have a week left to visit... can you imagine what the kids will accomplish with me by then?

Posted by pilgrim at 10:43 PM | Comments (1)

June 26, 2008

I'm visiting my family. Where they live on the other side of the country. I come twice a year-- summer and Christmas. I come because I love my family, and because I want to give my sister a break. She never has support, and at least while I'm here she has someone who can help watch her kids and do some of her laundry and load the dishwasher for her. Besides that, there is no one on Earth who can make me laugh as hard as my younger sister does. She's an incredible person. I love playing with her kids I have a great time with thm.

But truthfully, its hard to be here this summer. At night, when they're asleep, and I'm laying there in bed alone, or when I'm by myself for a few minutes. I think back to last Christmas. Things were still okay back then. Last Christmas I had no idea that my therapist was about to dump me when I got back a couple days after vacation. I was still happy. I still had a relationship with someone I trusted. I still believed in the world somewhat. I was eating again. Making progress. Making peace with my past. Moving forward. I was working hard in therapy and moving on in some things. I was working so hard. And I was looking forward to talking to my therapist when I got home. She has always been such a good support to me whenever I'm here visiting with my family, who tend to bring up a lot of hard things for me . I've always been able to call her or e mail her from here. This is the 1st time in years that i haven't been able to, and its so hard. Today I called her office just to hear her voice on her voice mail. I thought my heart was going to come out of my chest. I miss her so much at times that I can barely breathe.

Since then, when I was here last time, so much has changed, some for the worst and some for better, my situation hasn't changed at all, probably more jaded and more lonely, and my weight has gone down, and found out that there are a bunch of real jerks doing therapy out there, enough to make me sure that I'm not going to do therapy again, I'm done with that unless I can have HER, which she said in February that she doesn't want me back :(

My attitude on the outside has changed, and I can fake a good smile and I can fake a good mood, but its hard to be here, and although very very slowly God has changed me on the inside a bit at a time, I would still go back to my ex therapist in a heart beat if she would just LET ME.

There is so much I need to tell her. I miss her so much.Even just the little things like playing in the pool with my niece and nephew--those happy things--I want to tell her about those things and I can't anymore. I can't take pictures of them to show her. And that makes me so sad, like there are huge pieces of my heart missing, and my heart just hurts so much I can barely take it sometimes.
There are so many hard things going on here where I grew up:
flashbacks
old faces
memories
triggers
food--and eating-- and weight
my family
no support

and I'm trying so hard to just hold onto the joy of the moment when we're playing in the pool and teaching frogs to surfboard and playing in the rain--
my heart still aches all the time of that lost relationship which was so unfair and cut off so fast and without warning and no closure--

that its so hard.
And at home I seem to at least have a little routine I am in... and numbness...
but here I keep remembering "last time I was here I was still happy"
"last time I was here I called Sharon from that spot"
"what if I wouldn't have left her those messages last time I was here?"
"did I say something at Christmas time that made her dump me?"
"what did I do? was it a phone call? was it an e mail from this trip at Christmas? what did I do wrong?"
and I was so happy last time I was here... and I didn't know that a couple of days later everything in my world was going to come crashing down around me.

Posted by pilgrim at 7:53 PM | Comments (5)