Pilgrim's Journey > March 2010 Archives
March 10, 2010
feeling really alone
there's a lot going on lately. too much to fit in our head. too much to talk about. too much to say. we feel alone, separate from the world, like no one understands. but its our fault that we feel separate, because we can't talk about what's going on in our heads. if someone even asked us to explain, we probably couldn't. its just all too much. too many paths going nowhere. feeling helpless to make some situations better and just feeling lost. feeling like we're trying to hold back hoover dam with our pinky finger or something. just a lot going on at the moment, and its not a good feeling. family situations really suck sometimes.
March 14, 2010
D.I.D. and Switching-- What's it Like
What is switching like when you have DID? Switching is the process of changing from one alter/ personality/ inside person to another. It varies from one system to another. Some of the members of AMJ, my forum for people with DID, have put together some valuable insights on what the process of switching is like for them. Some quotes:
- Tt is if I am watching what is happening from behind. The best thing I can say is that it reminds me of being back stage watching what is going on through the curtain or wings of the stage.
-There are times when I feel very distant from everything, and everything seems foggy. It’s like I’m on the outside, watching a TV with reception that fades in and out. Sometimes the reception isn’t so bad, so I can follow what’s going on, and keep track of the conversation/events. Sometimes the reception is very bad and I can’t keep track of what’s going on at all. Sometimes I don’t feel outside myself, I just feel like I’m in the background and someone else is talking/doing, but I can do/say things too.
-Before a switch we often get a building pressure kind of throbbing head and just before it's like our eyes aren't in the front of our head anymore, like they get sucked backwards deep into our skull. This part seems to be a co-conscious experience.Then time gets lost except for whoever came out.
-Sometimes I feel out of control and that I MUST protect myself at all costs, either by the whole lashing out thing, or by submitting completely. Switching is more of a PTSD thing for me, related to triggers, particularly in relationship. There are sometimes warning signs, but not always. When there are, it is usually my going silent and voiceless, and withdrawing completely, and then comes the storm - unless I manage to negotiate via internal dialogue, or reaching out and communicating with someone I feel safe with, in which case the switch is less 'public'. I am always co-conscious, but as the powerless onlooker much of the time, unless I am more present, in which case it's more of a mix,
-for us it's like a cave. most are in the back of the cave and can kinda look out from time to time or all the time if they like, but when a switch occurs the one coming forward comes closer to the front of the cave and the one up front tends to slide back. depending on how far the one up front (usually me) goes farther back the more lost time i get, but sometimes two come to the front and that is when we are co-conscious. switches can happen instantly if needed or they can happen over the course of a minute or so. usually in therapy it happens over a minute or so unless there is a sudden change in topic conversation and someone feels the need to take over.
-To me it begins in a series of steps:
1) I start to blank out - everything starts looking blurry and unreal
2) I feel as though I am being pulled backwards
3) Then I am somewhere behind, still present but not totally all there... (I have co-consciousness)
It feels like, when you look down a microscope at something, and then, while *still* looking through the eyepiece, you rotate the lens below to a different magnification. Feels almost exactly like that.Unless it is a hostile take over.. then it feels more like a shove from inside my mind, a horrible ripping pain starts in my heart and I feel as though I've been literally pulled out of the front through a small hole. Not pleasant.
-if i switch constantly i tend to loose time and memory. i know when im going 2 switch because we have an agreement to be nice enough to ask the other one if its ok
-If having a partial co-consciousness, I am watching me doing and talking things like on TV, not able to do anything for it. I'm like trapped in our body not able to do anything, but just watch what is happening.
-Backwards in the vision. As tyhough moving backwards from the eyes. Going back and fourth to normal. Slight hit of... dizzyness, eyes go really funny for a moment, feels intense, then back.After that I don't know.