September 2, 2004

Do any of the alters have specific medical problems to them alone?

I hope its ok that i answer this. its mostly me anyway who is the answer. I dont know if any of the others has written about this here already. If they have, I'm sorry. I dont really read what everyone writes here.

this is just me,nobody. i'm not an expert on whats going on with everyone else but here's what i've heard, that Carol doesnt ever get sick. I know this does cause problems . Like once i had the flu and stayed home from school, and my abusive boyfriend was all mad because i told him he better not come over since i was really sick. And i was really,really sick, couldnt get off the couch without throwing up (sorry, too much info). But Carol can come around and be just FINE. That day, she was sitting at the table doing homework or something (and not feeling sick, because she wasn't, it wouldn't surprise me if she didnt even have a fever, but i'm not sure.) And thats when K (boyfriend) came by and peeked in the window and saw "me" there and started screaming "Yah! I can see you are SO sick! You're FAKING! you just dont want to see ME!" (he was really jealous and posessive and weird. i had to be with him all the time or he would get mad). But the thing was I was around again a little bit later and I was SICK. throwing up sick again. it still happens now. i dont know how Carol does it. she just doesnt get sick, ever.

but i get sick a lot. there is one thing(its private) that always happens when I am here. only me. and it doesnt ever fail. :( Pilgrim has this saying she smirks about, "oh Nobody must have been here, cuz I've got it again. *groan*." i dont know why its just me.

i think thats about it though as far as medical stuff goes. everyone pretty much has the same stuff at the same time except for Carol. but she's always been like this super-girl person anyway.

:( Obviously i am not.

Posted by pilgrim at 7:00 PM | Comments (1)

September 3, 2004

Hi this is Carol and I wanted to add in my thoughts on the topic from last night, about different parts getting sick or not sick.
Right now I am around because I'm trying to give everyone a break from the really bad headaches they've been getting. They have had awful headaches and backaches all week-- I think its tension, probably, from everything that they're letting build up inside (note to selves: you could try relaxing, but that's just my humble opinion). Aspirin, sinus medication, and other things haven't helped. So I'm just here for a bit... they need a break. I dont feel the headache. Its there, I am pretty sure... but... I dont know how to explain, I can keep it at a distance I guess, so I don't feel it-- its very separate from me. So really, I dont have a headache. If there was a way to measure it, the pressure and everything in this head would probably still be the same...i guess... but... I dont know, I dont feel it the same way. Same thing with the aching muscles. I feel fine. But I'm sure that once I sorta fade away again, the headaches and muscle aches will be back. I plan to do yoga here in a little bit, so hopefully that my calmness will carry over for a little longer and help the others out the rest of the evening.

Its really nice when people ask questions. Its good to have someone be interested. I know that the others have a hard time talking about what things are like. But I think its good for us.

P.S. Its a little bit later, and I just saw the "super girl" comment . I'm NOT a supergirl! And I'm certainly no hero like when they try to put me on a pedestal. Get that through y'alls heads...please. There's nothing really special about me.

Posted by pilgrim at 4:04 PM | Comments (2)

September 5, 2004

This all can't possibly be my life. This can't all be real. I have to be making all this up or something.
This is Pilgrim. None of this is real, right? Its all in my head. Or I'm psychotic, or lying, or overly imaginative. I dont want any of this to be true, all these writings that are here, all the things I hear in my head, all the evidence I have. I want to get away from it all. I feel like such a crazy person. i must just be crazy. Maybe I'm just psycho. And just don't realize it. There cant REALLY be other people, named nobody and Carol and Mae and claire and Tuck and the kids and Missy and...etc.... all in there, right? Maybe i have just been... too stressed out the past few months. ok, 25 years.
today i just want to pretend nothing ever happened.
pretend there was no abuse.
pretend there was no rape.
pretend there was no other stuff.
i just want to pretend, just for today.
i just want to get away from it all.

Posted by pilgrim at 1:52 PM | Comments (1)

September 7, 2004

I've been a little shut down the past few days and quiet.
The anniversary of a friend's death is coming up.
Every year I start to shut down in September-October.
Here I am doing so, right on schedule.

Posted by pilgrim at 7:27 PM | Comments (0)

September 9, 2004

I was just reading my sister's diary (no I am not poking through her things! She writes Life with Trich here on Health Diaries)--- and something she wrote last night caught my eye:

It's hard to describe the feeling that comes over me when I want to pull. It's almost like my heart pounds, my head is swimming, my eyes are open but not focusing on anything. I'm just there inside my head, wanting some relief from all the noise around me. I can get myself out of that place, it's just hard to do.

That is her experience--- and how she copes is by pulling her hair (although not for weeks and weeks now, hurray!! and she has this VERY cool new haircut!!)

Those words are exactly the same thing I would write, but here is how I would change it just a bit:

It's hard to describe the feeling that comes over me when I need to switch /(dissociate). It's almost like my heart pounds, my head is swimming, my eyes are open but not focusing on anything. I'm just there inside my head, wanting some relief from all the noise inside me. I can't get myself out of that place, it's just hard to do.

I wonder what determined which direction each of us would take? Why did my sister start pulling her hair, and I created 10 other people inside myself?

Posted by pilgrim at 9:10 PM | Comments (0)

September 11, 2004

I have been, for the past week, searching through all my old journals. I started keeping them in 7th grade; unfortunately, the one from that year was given to my "best friend" when I moved away and I never saw it again. I'd do just about anything to have it back. So I have only some sketchy writings from 8th grade to begin with, then my journalling habits really took off when I was 16 and in my sophomore year of high school.
They fill boxes.
The journals, which mainly start with chronicling my journey through anorexia, are in my opinion, very twisted. By the time I was writing them, there was something REALLY WRONG. It makes me almost sad to read them, especially when I was 16. I was already filled with so much self-hate, loneliness, and loathing; what a way to be a teenager.
All through my teenage years I complained of headaches, voices inside. There are lines in my journal where I call myself different names, write things in the 3rd person, scream at myself.
But it wasn't until 1993 that things really started to go wrong, extremely wrong (and I was still 7 years away from even entertaining the thought of finding a therapist.)
In 1990, one of my best childhood friends died. In 1992, some more deaths occurred-- in my family and with friends. Other things happened, as well as the ongoing abuse from my boyfriend.
It just looked like, in my journals, that in 1993, I had had enough.
By 1993, you can see the handwriting changes. You can read about the spacing out, the missing chunks of time. I can remember more vividly finding evidence of dissociation. I remember that was about the time I started hearing "Mommy? Mommy?" and "Go away!" in my head all the time (man, I hated that.) The journals really started to get strange, then. The self-hate, isolation, and fears grew even more, until I was hiding out in my bedroom all the time, afraid of being found out. I was aching for someone to help me,but terrified to reach out.
It took another 7 years, and quite a few miracles later, to find my therapist, S. Worth the wait, but what a long journey to make it there.

Posted by pilgrim at 5:06 PM | Comments (2)

September 14, 2004

its been a longggg day. Been gone since 7 a.m., and due to work, therapy, open house, and a PTA meeting, I didn't get home until 8:45. The nice thing was a nice thunderstorm on the way home and a beautiful lightning show to watch. It made me think that if I think its a long day, I wonder how other people handle it. Because at least we can divide the day up into sections, and have different insiders out front to handle it. Someone to do the teaching in the morning; someone to eat lunch; someone to go to therapy; someone to go to Open House at school; someone to drive home. It breaks the day into at least several parts. I dont know how normal people handle it, if they dont have different people to do different jobs. Everything gets divided around here.
i suppose that means i'm not strong enough to do things by myself.

Posted by pilgrim at 7:18 PM | Comments (2)

My sister and I were just chatting about odd things that have happened to us, and discovered something else we both have in common.
We probably ended up with brain damage.
Don't worry--- we did it to our own selves.
Maybe we have some of our problems due to self-induced brain damage.
We both licked batteries in science class after being told to never, ever do that.
Then my sister got a huge electric shock on a refridgerator in our basement.

when we were building the house
. it was rainy one night and we didn't have the walls finished. so the rain came in. and the next day i stood in a puddle to unplug a lamp.

I remember it was a sunday morning because gramma and grampa were there for breakfast.
I stood in a little puddle of water that was around the light that i could reach around, and unpluggd it.
and OW!! the electricity went in through my right hand at my pinkie.
it burned down my arm, all through my body to my toes, around my body, through my heart, and back out my pinkie
it left 2 black dots on the side of my finger that stayed there for ages.
I was shaking SOOOO freaking hard and my heart was beating funny.
i went and sat down
i couldn't think for a minute
i didn't tell anyone because i was afraid i'd get in trouble.
i was so sure that i was going to die of a heart attack.
i didn't dare tell my parents. I knew that instead of being worried about what happened to me, all they'd do was make fun of me for being so stupid to stand in a puddle and unplug a lamp, and get mad at me.

Posted by pilgrim at 7:37 PM | Comments (0)

September 15, 2004

my birthday is coming.Mae is getting all excited.she has picked things out she wants-- dolls, mostly, and some other toys.
She made an invitation the other day. By herself.
For our therapist and her daughter.
Mae was at the front, I was trying to talk to her from the background.and i feel like. such .a. huge. jerk.
she kept saying how maybe now, K will comeback, because maybe she's going to surprise her, and be friends again (friend who has not said a word to us since january )
She kept saying how our T's daughter is also 5 and would probably love to come to a party and they could play and Carol could make cupcakes. And our T could come.
So i tried to explain to Mae...that this just isn't possible... boundaries and all between therapists and clients... and that it isn't likely that my ex-best friend is going to show up on our doorstep on my birthday, out of nowhere, especially with a Barbie in her hand for a present.
I tried to explain that we'd be home by ourselves on our birthday, but maybe we could still go ahead and watch Monsters Incorporated or one of her other favorite movies.
But dammit... Mae cried so HARD.
I feel like such a heel. . Since I was not at the front and not in control, there was very little I could do to make her stop. So she continued in her 5 year old way trying to convince herself that yes her friend would come back and try to convince me to give the invitation to our therapist "just in case... just in case."
dammit, sometimes I just hate having to take care of a 5 year old who is never going to grow up.


i gave the invitation to our T yesterday. i told her this story. i started crying.She wanted me to tell Mae thank you for the invitation. And and that if Mae shows up and wants to talk about birthday stuff, they will. I can't see THAT conversation going well.
dammit. maybe i'll just go to Toys R Us this weekend and buy Mae her Princess and the Pauper Barbie she wants or one of the games she wants. I wish I could buy her a real life friend.
i hate myself sometimes.

nobody

Posted by pilgrim at 6:39 PM | Comments (1)

September 16, 2004

I wish I came with a manual.
Something i could read when I'm stuck and confused like this, that would tell me what to do.
My head is so full of voices, yelling, and choas. I'm so tired of it. There have been at least 4 people out front tonight besides me-- Missy, Carol, the Bully, and Nobody. Some are just bossing others around. Some are just crying and wanting to die. I am just tired. I can't keep up with it all-- not today.
Its been a long week at work, and I am ready for tomorrow to be Friday. All I'm interested in doing is sleeping.
I dont know if normal people have this. This constant chaos and confusion. I dont know if other people have other conversations always going on in their heads. It goes on all the time, even now while I'm sitting here trying to write.
I'm tired.

Today in the teacher's lounge, a few teachers were discussing Homecoming and the upcoming football games and dances. They laughed over the price of mums, and dicussed dates.
I sat there wanting to scream, having flashbacks of my 1st Homecoming dance. It was with... "him".... the one who, even 10 years after breaking up with him, still haunts me every night in my dreams. The Homecoming dance was our 1st date.It should have been the last. I dont want to go into detail. But I should.have.gone.home.
I think I might start eating lunch in my classroom.

Last night I had a dream that I tried to stand up for myself with my dad. Which is something I would never dream of doing in real life. I put him on a pedestal. But last night in my dream, I talked back to him...frightening. Its this therapy stuff trying to sink into my subconscious, I think. In my dream he tried to blame something on me again that wasnt my fault, and I told him he couldn't do it. He got really mad, and I went into my bedroom to get away. But inside of my bathroom, he had waiting-- a man there who climbed up on top me and raped me. For talking back.

This is Nobody now... i'm sorry to interrupt...i just want to say i dont think we should be writing things like that.
i dont think we should be saying anything bad about anything, okay? so lets not write anything else thats negative. the best thing to do when we feel this way is to go hide away and not bother anyone. nobody

Posted by pilgrim at 7:14 PM | Comments (2)

September 19, 2004

I have been really quiet for several days. (oh who am I kidding? its gotten worse over the past weeks). I am withdrawing more and more, to the point that I dont even want to be around people, because I'm just too afraid to be. Even writing that sounds silly to me. Why in the world would I be afraid of people? Carol and Missy aren't. But sorry, I'm the one around right now, and I'll stay isolated, thank you. I stopped going to the DID group that I used to go to on Saturdays. There were just too many triggers there, and I ended up being too afraid to even be at the front in group. I felt like a freak there and out of the loop, even among people like me. My husband is trying to get me to go visit a lady from church. It was a friendship that I was interested in pursuing last Spring. Now I am just too afraid to. The thought of having to make conversations, or even answer questions, is awful. I'm not comfortable with anyone anymore, except a very few people.This morning at church it was excruciating to even be there. I couldn't make myself sing, I couldn't make myself shake hands with anyone. I feel like I have "HUGE SCREW UP" or something tattoed across my forehead. Or "CRAZY PERSON." or "INSANE." I see people laughing and I just think, "HOW do they DO that?"

Posted by pilgrim at 8:26 PM | Comments (2)

September 21, 2004

I went to Therapy today.I have missed S so much.. We had a semi-good talk. Of course, I was there as a screen, to give Nobody a break. I go in and talk about dumb stuff like how fat I am....we all know thats a big smokescreen to cover up what really needs to be talked about. ....no one could do it today... things were just too much.i mostly talked about how lonely i am...how I feel like my ex-best friend no longer exists since she hasn't spoken to me since January... my birthday coming up next week, how to handle Mae, who still thinks that people are going to show up for a birthday party (at this point it will only be Imaginary friends like her stuffed bears and the dogs .... i drew pictures of death and cutting the whole time. S said she let me get away with drawing those pictures this time, but not anymore, she wants me to use my words instead.... how do i explain to her that i wasn't even supposed to be the one to be there today, that Nobody chickened out at the last minute?But since I was there, I decided to talk a little bit, even though it was just surface level stuff.... ...its just so important for me to stay numb, how else am I going to function? Everyone else carries the emotions, its not my job....*sigh*
I dont want to FEEL. It isn't my JOB. My job is to keep on functioning. However I have to make that happen.
I'm starting to feel guilty for that though.
Maybe if I wasn't like this, then the others inside wouldn't be ....so much like...that.

Posted by pilgrim at 5:24 PM | Comments (0)

September 24, 2004

Today was both a hard day and a good day
.It was a good day because I got a new little boy in my class. He is 3 and doesn’t speak but does understand spanish. His mom had a hard time leaving him of course. And he did cry for a little bit. But I started reading him some books in spanish and he sat in my lap for a long time, then I got him to play with me. And I even got him to say a couple words for me. He is really, really sweet and had a good day, and his mama was so happy to hear that when she came to pick him up. I know lots of tricks for getting silent kids to talk so I am sure he will be talking soon and he’s a cute little boy. I love getting new kids.
It was a hard day too because I had to say goodbye to one of my kids too. I have had "A" for a year. She is a little spanish girl with Downs’ syndrome. She is a crazy little thing who is THE definition of “stubborn.” But we got so attached to her in the past year and she is such a happy and self-confident little baby. But her family is moving far away (another state) this weekend. I probably won’t see her again. It was really hard to say goodbye today. I was holding her and she was holding onto me tight with her head in my chest. Then when we were kissing goodbye I told her I loved her a lot and she didn’t want to leave me to go with her mom. She kept pretending she couldn’t stand up and couldn’t walk with her mom so I would keep holding her. Then she wouldn’t go out the door. By then I had tears coming out my eyes and her mom looked like she was about to cry too and she kept telling me “thank you for everything.” It hurt my heart to watch her leave.
Its just one thing when they leave my class because they don’t need me anymore or they’re too old for me, that’s always a good thing to see. But when kids move away, I hate that. I always hated moving around so much, having 2 or 3 teachers in 1 year sometimes and always having to go to a new school. I just didn’t like it much. And I really really don’t like saying goodbye to my kids.I am going to miss her so much.
Its so hard when anyone goes away.

(later)
well dammit. my husband just got home, and i told him about how hard it was to say goodbye to the little girl today....here's his reply:
"And unfortunately, all she knows is that she's been ABANDONED."
goddammit. like i didn't feel lousy and crappy enough about this. did he think i wasn't already feeling enormously guilty and horrible over that? i have enormous abandonment issues and he KNOWS it. i hate this. i already feel like any time i part with a child, they're going to think its because i dont like them anymore, just like i assume with anyone who ever parted with me. god. i can't take this. i dont want to be here. i dont care if i dissociate. i cant take these feelings. i cant. i felt bad enough already. i want to go away. disappear. just disappear. :(

Posted by pilgrim at 6:41 PM | Comments (0)

September 25, 2004

rough day. i just want to curl up. i need my therapist, i need to talk to her, i need to talk to her and be in her office, my next session is tuesday and that seems so far away. I'm having lots of flashbacks of being little-- of things that happened-- being forgotten or left behind in places, times of being in trouble.Its just difficult to deal with. i am so lonely. i got myself some things i could do today, like scrapbooking, but i'm so depressed that i've just been laying on the floor and staring at the tv lost in flashbacks. the switching hasn't been too bad, its mainly been between me and Mae today, but i've mostly been aware of it. But the things that she talks about just hurt. i just want to talk about this stuff with my therapist. she would know more about what Mae has been telling her and what everyone's been talking about. I dont know what to do with myself or with my mind. I feel so dumb because i am so lonely that I called my therapist's voice mail just so i could hear her voice. I just dont know what to do with all these memories and talking in my head. I feel so different and alone and like I'm the only one in the world who's a freak like this. I feel like a freak. I have an ache inside that never goes away.

Posted by pilgrim at 5:21 PM | Comments (0)

September 28, 2004

its hard at night, especially lately.
Mae is so paranoid and scared and panicky. terrified.
the rest of us are having flashbacks.
october is coming so fast, and its always been a bad month. since 1988. every october, there's a relapse into negative, unhealthy behaviors like eating disorders and cutting.its like every year, no matter how well i'm doing the rest of the year, every october everything unrattles.
this october i'm determined to do things differently. this october i'm going to get through it without the relapsing into the behaviors. doing a lot of hard things in therapy and trying hard to not get sucked into the black hole of eating disorders and cutting. its so hard though. the pull is so strong. I'm so depressed all the time that i only want to curl up in a corner, close my eyes, and let the world go by. i know too many things. there are too many secrets.
i decided to start sharing some of them with our therapist, S.
its terrifying.
today for the 1st time, i looked at her. i'm usually invisible. today i took my hands away from my face and looked up. terrifying.
she said i have pretty brown eyes.
it surprised me.
i didn't realize my eyes are brown. i dont look in mirrors. i thought my eyes were black.

nobody

Posted by pilgrim at 9:38 PM | Comments (0)

September 29, 2004

I felt so stupid at work today. I know i can sometimes forget things. But I am so dissociated all the time right now. October's coming, I'm a nervous panicky mess inside. Today at work i forgot how to use the photocopier. Keep in mind, i've been using it a couple times a day for the past 6 weeks of school. I can do all sorts of tricks on it like enlarge things, shrink things, copy 2 sides of stuff, etc. Normally i can do all kinds of things.Today i couldn't remember how to do ANYTHING on it. i couldn't even put my paper on the screen right. I couldn't push the right buttons. I couldn't remember how to enlarge anything. I kept trying over and over again. I was staring at the buttons, and none of them meant ANYTHING to me. I kept telling myself "I do this all the time. I KNOW how to do this!!" But dammit, i couldn't do a thing. I finally gave up trying to photocopy my students' work today.I have no idea why this happens. Stuff just disappears out of my head.
Pilgrim

i am so afraid. october starts the day after tomorrow. October 1 is the anniversary of something yukky.the month starts off badly and goes downhill from there. i'm terrified. the bad people are going to come. i just know it. Mae is panicking at night so bad. i wish i still had a prescription for ativan. i'm so terrified. octobers are horrible every year. sharon wants me to get through october without sinking back into my e.d. or cutting. i just want to get out alive. its coming so fast. day after tomorrow. my heart pounds so hard. i need this to STOP!!!! i need to get AWAY from october!! i need it to GO AWAY!!
nobody

I just want to run away from everything.

Posted by pilgrim at 6:59 PM | Comments (56)

September 30, 2004

october comes tomorrow. tomorrow. so fast. panicking inside. panicking outside. terrified. TERRIFIED. NO ONE GETS IT!! i want the whole month to GO AWAY! My therapist says it isn't the month that is bad, i say YES IT IS! its the whole month, its horrible, it starts tomorrow.the anniversary of the 1st date is tomorrow.1st date.1st ....everything.he killed me inside. as though i weren't already half-dead to begin with. then it went down hill from there.

i feel like i have shards of glass piercing through my skin all over. if i move, it will kill me. if i dont move, i'm going to bleed to death anyway. i dont know which way to go. I have been having panic attacks every minute I'm alone. And I'm alone most of the time.

dont worry about me... i go through this every year.
i cant talk about it anymore right now.

Posted by pilgrim at 5:15 PM | Comments (1)