Pilgrim's Journey > July 2008 Archives
July 5, 2008
Getting free of my old life
I am thinking about getting off my medications. I am on three right now. One of them is a sleeping pill. I have been on medications for a long time but none of them have ever worked quite right.Something I am trying to do is separate myself from my old life. I am working on leaving old websites, old chat rooms, old favorite places behind, deleting those files, not hanging around those places anymore. They were not edifying to my life. I deleted them and don't know the addresses. I have closed some of my old personal websites, and am working on closing more when I find them, ones we've created over the years.There have been other unhealthy habits I have been working on giving up. There have been negative people I have stopped hanging around because their negativity is catching. One of the things I feel like I need to try to do is get off my meds next. My medications keep me tied to my psychiatrist, whom I hate visiting. He's a nice guy, but I only see him because he's a friend of my husbands. I still hate answering questions though on how my depression is or how much I'm dissociating. It isn't anyone's business anymore. Those were things I only shared with Sharon, and I don't want to talk about them with anyone else. I feel like visiting every few months with a psychiatrist to talk about my meds and my depression/ DID/PTSD/etc is like going back to visiting my old life. Which I am trying to get free of.
So I have been working on cutting back on my meds a little. It scares me a little bit, because I wonder, how will I ever sleep without them? I have so much anxiety sometimes-- sleeping at night is hard, and the flashbacks can get so bad. But since its summertime and I'm on vacation its the best time to work on learning to sleep on my own. And if it doesn't work, I can still go back on my meds. If its the right thing to do God will give me the strength to do it. I want so much to get away from my old life and into the new life that I'm working on.
Posted by pilgrim at 9:26 PM
July 7, 2008
Love knows no bounds
I just LOVE this so much... I love reunions. I have watched this video so many times. Watch it... you will be glad you did.
July 9, 2008
Invitations and I am so grateful
This week I have had 4 invitations.
An invitation to possibly take a new job, which I hopefully will get... which would mean a major life change and a new life style. Which I need.
An invitation to go to a new friend's house to create art, which I took them up on tonight. I had fun. An hour or so to forget about things and just concentrating on painting.
An invitation to join an art therapy group, which I said yes to, even though I am a bit afraid.
An invitation to come to a studio and create artwork, which I did this morning and created beautiful jewelry.I had fun this morning. I love being able to be creative.
Behold, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs forth; do you not perceive and know it and will you not give heed to it? I will even make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.
July 10, 2008
Handled stress in a new way.....
I'm so...weirded out. Amazed. I don't want to say proud of myself, because I know its not ME-- its because God has been changing me, I have been incapable of changing myself alone for the past 30 + years. I have been working hard on it, and putting forth a LOT of hard work too, but its totally God who has made it happen. Last night I handled stress in a COMPLETELY new way than I ever have.
On my way home from a job interview I just had adrenaline shooting out my pores for heavens sake-- AGH!!! and so I went over to a new friend's house where she was thankfully waiting with open arms and lots of paint brushes. So we hung out and talked and painted and even though I was totally stressed, I painted a pretty picture about peace, balance, and joy (I will post a picture of it later when I have time. )
In the past when I was stressed, I would have: cried, gone home and cut skipped a few meals, painted some ugly picture about hate/self-destruction/pain, and then probably cried some more. That was my pattern.
Last night when I started to paint I wondered what kind of painting would come out of me, I wondered if I would go for the reds and blacks as I used to, but then I found myself drawns towards these beautiful purples, pinks, and blues that my friend had.... so the picture turned out so different.
I miss Sharon's hugs.
Tonight its been 7 months since Sharon told me she wasn't going to see me anymore. I miss her so much... my heart still hurts. Its been such a long time. There are so many, many things I miss about therapy with her. So many. I'm not going to say too much because I don't want to start crying right now.There are so many things I wish I could tell her. Mae misses her "talker-lady" so much too. Its been such a long time. We loved her so much.
July 22, 2008
Battlefield of the Mind
It so often feels like there's a war in my head. It goes on all the time inside of us. It's not as bad as it used to be years ago but its still there. Mostly I try to ignore it now. I try to ignore and bury everything now. I'm trying to just bury the past and leave everything behind.
There is a book that helped me called Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyer. I picked it up in a bookstore a few months ago. I read about the author and looked up her website (www.joycemeyer.org). I just wanted to share those. She has something like 80 books. I want to read every one of them.
Anyway, I just wanted to share.
July 23, 2008
I had a new friend come over to my house last night. That was something I have been praying for, for a very long time. I met a friend on a web board for artists, and at the beginning of summer when I was still on my crutches I went to her house a couple of times to paint. Last night she came over to my house and we made glass jewelry in my kiln. I taught her how and she was really excited. She made some really pretty stuff. We also painted. She stayed for a couple of hours and we just hung out and created things and also made future plans. She is going to come help me get my classroom set up this year in and I'm going to help her redecorate her art room.
I was very skittish about the idea of having a friend over. The last time we had someone visit was my ex-best friend and that was years ago.. and that all ended badly with me hurting her and her hurting me. It was all a big disaster....even though we miss her so much sometimes. But she hates us... so I guess its dumb to miss her. Then there was Sharon. I am doing things way different with people these days when I meet them. I don't expect things out of them anymore. People cannot meet my needs, only God is qualified to do that. My husband says I should always have expectations of people. I don't know about that. Maybe we're too jaded right now. I don't have any plans to get close to people or trust people. I don't feel like I can open up to people or talk to them about anything serious.I don't know if I'll ever do that again. My heart still hurts too much from what happened with Sharon. Its like everything inside us is tender and we have no skin on.
I hate having multiple personalities
I dont want to go into it. But I HATE HATE HATE having multiple personalities. I hate DID. I hate all the stupid things in my life I have done because of it. I hate all the losses we've had because of it. I hate all the stupid things we've done. The inside kids miss Sharon so much. So do I. I miss my old friends so much. If I could have just kept my act together then maybe things would have turned out better. I wish I could have just done everything right. I have asked them all for forgiveness but Sharon wouldn't even respond. She probably holds it over my head and won't forgive me and that just weights me down. At least one old friend acknowledged me when I asked her to please forgive me. That helped a little. I wish I could forget everything. I hate the war in my head. I'm trying so hard to turn my life around and be a new person. I wish I could completely forget the past. I just want to be a completely new person. With a different brain. I have lost weight and had all my hair cut off and gotten new clothes, am going to a new school and a new classroom, but I still need a new brain.
July 24, 2008
Seven Things That Steal Your Joy
This is one of the best books I have ever read: Seven Things that Steal Your Joy by Joyce Meyer. It's available on Amazon.com here at a really good price if you buy it used. Read it.
Last night was a bad night. We had more bad dreams about Sharon. Over and over her rejecting us and the things she said that night. Over and over again how we screwed up and ruined everything. How we'll never be good enough for people. Then one about being killed in a car accident because we drove wrong and turned off the road. There were so many dreams we used to have too about our future. That we have been giving up. Like getting over this eating disorder. I don't dream about recovering from it anymore because I don't care anymore. Weighing less is better. Sometimes when I'm having a lousy moment the only thing that makes me feel better is knowing that my stomach is flat. It doesn't matter. I KNOW its stupid but when my treatment team gave up on me I just gave up on myself. They said I have this "pattern" that I do. Get better for a little while and then get worse again. They didn't want to deal with it anymore. I guess I am just proving them right. Stupid. I want to care. I do. It would be easier if someone believed in me I guess. Stupid.
Everything I think and do is stupid.
Its these bad dreams. They get me down. Mae was up screaming in the middle of the night. There's so much we needed to say. It all gets stuffed down inside. I guess it has to stay there because there's no one to listen anymore.
I sound stupid. I'll shut up. Dumb stuff continues to come out of my mouth. I want to disappear. I really need to disappear.
July 27, 2008
I keep praying and praying that God will take this bitterness out of my heart. That God will make my heart not be so hard. It is just towards this stuff that still has to do with Sharon. And I pray and pray. Trying over and over to forgive and forget. I realize now that back in February when we said we forgave her, we only told her that to make HER feel better. We still have not forgiven her. And its so stupid. Because she couldn't care less I'm sure. Sharon doesn't give a damn what I'm still going through-- she's done with us and ignoring us.
A few kind words of closure would have helped so much but she would not give us that.
And though we pray and pray, we have gotten so hard hearted about it. We used to be able to help with so many things. Like people talking about therapy, and therapists. Now we can't even watch or read anything to do with therapy or therapists. It hurts too much. I can't stand it. It brings back too many awful memories of the past 7.5 months. It just hurts too much. People still ask our advice about therapy and therapists and DID and stuff like they used to and I have to just ignore it. I can't deal with it. Its like this huge open wound. Anything to do with DID, therapy, the past, ANYTHING-- forget it. It has to stay buried. Its too much. And we pray some more. I have to ask God over and over again for forgiveness now because I keep thinking, I hate therapists. I don't trust anybody. I was such a fool. What idiots we were to trust someone. I hate Mae. I hate myself. What a freaking idiot I was for bragging to other people about what a great therapist Sharon was in the 1st place. I set myself up for disappointment and it was all my fault.
And I keep asking God, please, heal it. Please help me out here. You're the healer of the brokenhearted. Help me with this.
I have asked so much for forgiveness for the things I did wrong. I can't get Sharon to forgive me because she won't respond. That hangs over my head. My husband says it doesn't matter what other people think. If they won't forgive me for something, then that's their tough problem. It matters though, inside, to me. Especially to Mae, who loved Sharon so much, who wanted Sharon to like her, and the rejection from her favorite person is still too hard to bear.
This is rambling and I don't know how to end it. I just guess I needed to get that out of my head.
Sharon could have done so much with just a few kind words instead of rejection.
We still keep having these nightmares about what she said and did.
I want to move on so badly. I want to let it go so badly.The things we need and want will never come from her. I know that.
Some people tell me they wish I'd get into therapy again. After I tried those 5 others this year. Forget it. I'm not opening myself up to that kind of rejection again and I'm through with trusting people. And with telling my story. I don't want to tell it. I want to forget it all.
I want to disappear. I want to just be gone.
July 30, 2008
I know that nothing that happened this year was Sharon's fault. I was stupid writing about how I need to forgive her. Who I can't forgive is MYSELF. I was the one who screwed up so bad and ruined everything. If we hadn't had dissociated in the parking lot last November, and she hadn't called 911 on us, probably we could have kept her. I am the one who screwed up everything. I didn't keep my part of the bargain by eating enough and by keeping myself safe in the parking lot. If I had just gone and sat in my car instead of being there on the porch steps when she came out. Then none of this probably would have happened.
This is something that keeps coming to me over and over again. It was all downhill from that night.
I was the one who made the big mistake. I was the one who ruined everything. This still eats me up inside and gives me stomach aches.
I was the one who was so stupid as to brag on Sharon about how she was sugh a great therapist and I got a big head thinking I was doing something good by going to therapy.
After all in the end I was just nobody to her. Just a client. Nobody to her.
I don't know how to forgive myself. I don't know how to get over it. I was the one who did something so stupid and I ruined EVERYTHING I had. I don't know how to get over that. It just eats me up and eats me up.
Since then I'm just not the same.
I hate myself so much.
Yet I Will Praise Him
Hebrews 13:5 (Amplified Bible)
God Himself has said, I will not in any way fail you nor give you up nor leave you without support. I will not, I will not, I will not in any degree leave you helpless nor forsake nor let you down (relax My hold on you). Assuredly not!
So we take comfort and are encouraged and confidently and boldly say The Lord is my Hlper: I will not be seized with alarm. I will not fear or dread or be terrified. What can man do to me?
Through Him, therefore, let us constantly and at ALL TIMES offer up to God a sacrifice of praise, which is the fruit of lips that thankfully acknowledge and confess and glorify His name.
...whatever is true, whatever is worthy of reverence and is honorable and seemly, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely and lovable, whatever is kind and winsome and gravious, if there is any virtue and excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think on and weigh and take account of these things.