Pilgrim's Journey > October 2005 Archives
October 3, 2005
Music brings on memories
Tonight my heart is in so much pain I can barely take it. I want to cut so much. I am having a really hard time. My cat died last month. We had to put her down. She was very old and had cancer. It was one of the worst things I ever had to do. Tonight, I was in her old room where she slept, and I accidently bumped the music box that I used to leave on for her to listen to. The music went on. So much pain and ache went through my whole system. I haven't heard the music since the last night I held my kitty and put her to sleep. It startled me to hear it. Its just this soft, gentle, relaxing music, but it felt like it ripped through my heart. Everyone inside just jumped and panicked and wanted to cry. I curled up in a ball and tried so hard to disappear. Its against the rules to cry. I want to cut so much. I want so much to get the pain out. I need my cat back so much. I NEED her. I had her for so long... she was one of my best friends. Animals have always been my best friends. Animals are so much better than people. We (me and other insiders) were laying there curled up wanting to cry so much, but its against the rules right now, right now we have to keep everything inside. I dont know why-- we just do. So far in October we've been through 3 days of it, and for 3 days I've screwed something up doing some behavior I should be. October always ends up being my month in charge and every October I screw it up royally. I'm a stupid fat 17 year old who has no clue how to act right and I have to figure out how to fix it on my own. My heart hurts so much. Its like October is just filled with flashbacks and bad memories and being caught in a trap.
October 4, 2005
How do I forgive myself?
Tonight in a 2 hour session, my therapist pushed me really hard. Talking about October and why its so hard... I went in there already close to shutting down. I'm always so quiet and can't make eye contact anyway. She kept pushing me and pushing me. I dont know how to stop hating myself for letting myself be raped. I still think its all my fault. Because I am a girl. Because I was fat & curvy instead of bone-thin. Because I wore a skirt. Because I am bad. Because, because, because. I have dozens of reasons. My therapist thinks I'm making excuses for HIM... that I need to direct all this anger at him. I dont know how. I can only hate ME. The only person I'm mad at is ME.
For a little while tonight I ran away. I stepped aside and let Mae talk for a bit. I just needed a break from the pushing and I gave in. Mae was already there listening and wanting to talk. I let her take over. I came back at the end to drive home. I wish I could stay disappeared.
October 5, 2005
Starting things I can't finish
i keep starting things i can't make myself finish.
i try to write e mails to people i used to talk to. people that are Carolineine's or pilgrim's friends. then i realize, why would they want to hear from me? what have i got worth saying? and i erase the e mail. what's the point in reaching out? this is just me jo. i'm alone. this is just how things ARE.
tonight i tried to make myself eat some dinner. macaroni and cheese, which the others love. i could barely stand it.it tasted so gross, I dont know how they can eat it. i took 2 bites and put it back in the fridge. i'm already so fat.
i tried to go to the grocery store tonight. was in one of the self-service lanes with about 4 items. the lady in front of me had a cartful, which i didn't realize. all the other lanes were full too. she took forever. then scanned things wrong. then the machine messed up. i was so overwhelmed by all the noises and all the people and lights... i couldnt take it anymore and i put my food aside and left. who needs food... not me. i should have never tried to go out.
i want to be invisible.
October 9, 2005
What if I just trusted them?
I have been wondering this weekend, what if I just let go of the belief that everything that happened was all my fault?
What if I just decided to believe my therapist, my husband, and the other people who have been telling me for 5 years "what happened to you wasn't you fault" and "___ was the bad one, not you" ?
What if I just decided to believe the people who are being nice, instead of the jerks who told me bad things all my life?
....because I want to... I want to believe. More and more, I want to believe. My therapist, my husband, my sister, my few online friends I have... they are trustworthy. Certainly more trustworthy than the 18 year old boy who raped me. Certainly more than the other people and other boys who did bad things throughout my life... Right?
i want to start believing the good things, for once.
October 10, 2005
"I would do anything for love"
Tonight on my walk, I was thinking hard about how ever since I was about 12 years old, I have prayed really, really hard for a friend. Every night since I started to get really lonely, in the 5th or 6th grade, I would pray so hard-- God, please just bring me a real friend. I would pray that I "would do anything. ANYTHING." I've been praying that ever since then... which makes that prayer well over 20 years old.
It hasn't worked yet. It isn't that prayer doesn't work, because prayer does work. But sometimes God's answer to prayer is "wait".
I have had friends.... sort of... through the years. None of them have been true, real friends, I guess, because it seems so easy for them to leave me, for them to get too busy and forget about me, too easy for them to walk away, too easy for them to not be here when I need them. (I am not talking about some good friends I know online-- I am talking about people in real-time, real life)
Tonight though the thought occurred to me... I have always been saying, "I would do anything for love." ANYTHING. And I have. At times I've compromised my safety, or my ideals, or my identity, in an attempt to find true friendship and love. None of that has worked.
Tonight I realized... things are different now.
I WONT do anything for love. Not anymore.
I will no longer compromise my safety, my morals, my ideals, my identity, my beliefs, or anything else, to get someone to love me or to like me.
Maybe ... just maybe... this realization will help me find real friendship after all.
October 16, 2005
a feeling of unreality
This is such a strange day. i am so, so dissociated and i cant get grounded no matter what . I have had such a weird day.my brain is all scattered, i c ant get grounded. i tried taking a nap, i tried a few ways of growdning miself. My friend is trying to talk to me, She says it sounds like Mae is around too, but I swear this is Pilgrim and not Mae.
and i no this looks like Mae's writing but this is me writing and I can't seem to help it because i am so far away down a tunnel that I cant cjonttrol my fingers or my body.
i tihnk my husband is mad at me i think he is frustrated. he said you eat what you want to eat, i'm not going to tell you what to eat anymore. i am not sure what i did wrong, i think i must have done something wrong last night, except that I cant remember ANYTHING from last night
and this morning he snapped at me. i dont know what for. i was so far away inside that i couldn't understand his words, i just heard the tone of his voice. Then i had pr o blems understanding at church and ... this is such a frustrating day.
i want to hide ferom everythhing including myaself. i am sick of other inside peo eple tak=ing over my bod y and doing things i dont knw about.\ it feels like i
a m ffrozen inside my bod yand cant get out b ecaues i am too far away from the oustide.
i wish i could call my therapist to tel l her what is going on because mayhbe you d have some ideas. i and somentihng realy is not rite here inside me today.
It feels like Mae is a bout to scream her head off. but i dont know why. theres nothing even wrong.
October 19, 2005
how to deal with overwhelming feelings in a healthy way
we know, we know, we can't keep doing things like we have been.
we have to be the ones that change because we cant change anyone else.
have to stop cutting. don't dare purge. its so easy to give in to anorexia at this time of year, having flashbacks and hating our body, wanting to make it smaller and smaller to disappear and not have a body at all.
Made myself eat a sandwich for supper tonight. it was really hard. it shouldn't be so hard to eat a darn sandwich. :(
have to learn to deal with things in a better way or things are never going to change. we have to figure out how to get these feelings out. there are just too many of them. too many feelings, too many inside people, too much intensity all the time.
writing, drawing, journaling, coloring, collages, its just never enough. we're alone all the time almost, and what we need is connections to people but dont have that. therapist says we need connections to each other. we agree. and are working on that. but so desperate for people in real time. in real life.
October 23, 2005
Co-conciousness with another part
I am trying something new. Listening to another part that I have actually been ignoring for years and years. Things have been really bad the past few weeks, and my therapist wanted both of us to do something different, because nothing's going to change until Jo and I change what we're doing.
This is like, being paired up with a lab partner that you can’t stand. Things feel prickly between us when Jo and I are around at the same time. Its almost like… feeling like 2 porcupines getting too close. I don’t like it. She doesn’t either.
At some point in the past couple days, Jo looked up and saw my face in the mirror and got all confused because she didn’t see herself, she saw my body and face instead of 17 year old body and face and braces and long thick hair. THAT DID NOT GO OVER WELL.
The past few days I have been dissociating a lot and at times its been so strange because I’m aware that I’m doing it and trying to stop it. I feel myself separating from my body and stepping back and its so hard to get back into my body and then it happens again and again. And talking inside, having inside meetings, its sucking up bunches of energy and so I keep falling asleep.
So anyway, she is telling me what happened…
I am trying to listen. I guess I still keep myself separated somewhat.
I cannot afford to have any real feelings about it. Am I supposed to? But I was taught not to have any feelings! I’m not Carolineine!
What would be the point in getting upset, or crying, or mad, or scared, because, all those things with the boyfriend were a long time ago, can’t we just forget them? Having feelings about it now won’t do any good, would it? So why does Jo get so upset?
She says I ‘m afraid to feel anything.
I don’t mean “so” in a bad way, I just wonder, what good would it do? The bad guy is gone, he doesn’t care what he did, what’s the point of being upset about something that happened 15 years ago?
Can’t Jo just forget it… and pretend it never happened like I did?
I’m really frustrated with myself. I haven’t got a clue as to what direction I am supposed to be going with all this. I don’t know what I’m supposed to be thinking about, or what would be helpful. I wish I could call my therapist and ask her for some ideas. I miss being able to call her. I don’t know what I should do to work on all this stuff or say to Jo or anything. Its so frustrating to not know what to do. I guess I’ll just go back to laying on the couch. Feeling so paralyzed all the time lately. Today I spent almost the whole day on the couch. Again.
I HATE IT when I have no idea what to do. Or if I’m even doing the right thing. I just have no idea.
I wish I had someone to talk to, someone to get advice from. Someone who could at least bounce around some ideas with.i wish i had someone to talk to.
October 25, 2005
Pressure to be Perfect
Sometimes I get really frustrated, and I was wondering if anyone can relate, and if anyone has ideas on what I can do about it.
I feel like everyone who knows I am a multiple(outside people-- husband, friends, therapist) expects me to handle everything on my own. Because after all, I've got lots of people inside. I've got a listener, a little girl, some boys, a teacher, a teenager, etc. I'm crying an need comfort? I feel pressure to get it only from "myself" and not ask anyone on the outside. Need something fixed? I feel the pressure to just ask one of the boys to do it. Need ideas on how to handle something terrible that just happened? It feels like I am only supposed to "ask inside" and find out from the Teacher what she thinks.
I just feel like I'm supposed to be this totally self-supporting, independent being because I have inside people. I mentioned this to my therapist tonight and she shook her head as though she disagreed. However, her actions speak louder than words. The harder things get for me, the less support I get from her and the more I'm supposed handle things "inside" with the others. (She is a great therapist; she just can't be there when I need help. Whenever I need help the most, no friends or family are available... just bad coincidences, I guess. Either that or God doesn't like me.) I don't know what to do about this pressure... I dont know what to do about it. Just because one part of me named Carolineine ALWAYS has her act together, and seems so "perfect" and wonderful, doesn't mean that I can do that. I'm a completely different person than her; I don't think like she does, I can't get organized like her, I am a lot more depressed than her which affects everything I do. Sure, maybe if Carolineine were the main person she could be totally self sufficient, but I, as Pilgrim, just cannot pull it off.
Its so frustrating and I dont know what to do with it. I feel like I'm supposed to handle everything on my own and not ask for help from anyone outside. But because I'm a multiple, there's even more pressure to handle everything on my own. But I'm exhausted and depressed, scared out of my mind, and extremely overwhelmed with all the work that therapy & getting along entails. I can barely keep my own act together, let alone manage the needs of 10 other inside people. I wish I could get it across clearly enough to outside people: I am cutting and doing eating disorder stuff and I can't think and we're switching all the time and I can't get anything done at work anymore; DONT YOU THINK THAT IF WE COULD HANDLE THIS ON OUR OWN, WE WOULD? We need more HELP.
I'm sorry for whining tonight. Tonight is an anniversary of the death of a loved one. And I need to talk about it, but there isn't anyone up tonight to talk to about it. My heart is aching inside today and I can't move on from someone's death and I just wish I could somehow but I dont know how.
October 29, 2005
Well, I did it. I started seeing a new doctor (YAY!) and got on some new meds. Can I just say GOD BLESS THE MAKERS OF WELLBUTRIN XL!!!!
Even after just 4 days, I'm starting to have some energy. For the first time in years, I actually feel like doing things again. Yesterday at work, I got things accomplished. Today around the house, I got so many things done. I finished probably a dozen tasks, when normally I'd accomplish maybe two, then be too tired to finish anything else and go lay on my couch the rest of the day. I REALLY like this stuff. I am hopeful that things will keep improving.
Posted by pilgrim at 9:07 PM