Pilgrim's Journey > January 2006 Archives
January 7, 2006
My biological clock is ticking hard....
I wish I could be a mom. My sister is pregnant right now, and there are times when I get jealous of her. I want to know what it feels like to have a baby inside me, growing-- a miracle. I want to know how it really feels to know that God is using my body to create a life. I think thats the most amazing thing.
Would I even be a good mom? I have people tell me that I would be. They are people that don't know me that well, or know me only in limited aspects. A lot of people who have seen me teaching tell me what a great mom I would be. And at school, I am often LIKE a 2nd mom to many of the students.
There comes the problem of having more than one person in here.
I can't imagine what the hell I would do to a young child's psyche trying to raise him or her (hopefully a her!)
Can you IMAGINE being 4 or 5 years old, and you were just making cookies with mommy, but now mommy is curled up in a fetal position on the floor because one of her inside people just yelled at her for eating too many, and she's crying because she wants more?
What the hell would an 8 year old boy do if his mom all of a sudden forgot that dinner was burning on the stove because she got wrapped up in searching for worms and turtles out in the backyard? And then no responsible adult came forward to find the fire extinguisher, so my 8 year old son had to figure out what to do?
I think that trying to raise a child at this point in my life with be terribley irresponsible of me.
But DAMN... that biological clock...
It raises some interesting questions though, inside, that we have a lot of discussions about. What would each of us (inside) do if we have a little girl to raise? What would we do?
Missy would raise her in a no-nonse, girl-power, be-all-you-can be way. Toe the line. Keep the house completely neat and clean. Do what your told.
Me- I would raise my little girl to be a free spirit. Want to paint your room all orange today and maybe purple next month? Cool! Have ice cream for dinner? Sounds good to me. Wear fairy wings and a crown to church? I'll wear mine too. Sleep outside under the stars every night? As long as we're safe and warm. Want to live on macaroni and cheese for 2 weeks? I dont have a problem with that. Watch Sesame Street obsessively at 10 a.m. sharp while eating a purple popsicle for the first 5 years of life? I'm all for that.
Carolineine-- she would raise her little girl on natural foods, natural fibers, natural EVERYTHING. They'd shop at Whole Foods Market. Buy only free-range, happy tomatoes that were raised not to hurt the environment. They'd probably make their own clothes grown from their own cotton in their back yard next to the wheat. They'd paint with watercolors and make their own ink. I can see it now.
Jo-- she would raise a kid with a complex who needed therapy. She'd never get off the couch long enough to fix her child some lunch. Jo would only want to cuddle with her little girl and protect her from the world, and never let her leave the house, because the world is such a dangerous place.
Add to this that we have several inside kids running around at random times who think its fun to hide things, get distracted all the time, and the best thing we know how to cook is instant microwaveable macaroni and cheese.
I guess my biological clock is just going to have to keep on ticking for a while...
January 11, 2006
Questions about DID
Someone recently asked some really good questions about DID on my website, and I'd like to share my answers here as well. I thought they were excellent,respectful questions about DID. The answers are only from MY knowledge and experience,on research I personally have done.
1) There are cases where all the personalities interact with each other inside the mind of the person? where they chat, debate, argue?
(if yes) how the person decides how to act? there is a "hidden personality" that judges the opnions of the others?
In MY experience, there are often chats,debates,and arguments inside. How my behavior comes out on the outside comes from:
--whichever personality happens tobe the "strongest" or have the most energy at the time
--sometimes we take a vote if there is time
--sometimes it just seems random, we dont know how it happens
-- we take turns being "out front" controlling the body's behavior
--sometimes it feels like one personality is "pushed" out to the front and is forced to deal with the outside world
--sometimes we cant decide how to act,and all kinds of different,contradictory behaviors occur within a few minutes, and we probably look crazy
2) In the case of "one personality at time", where (most) of the personalities dont know each other, how "inteligence" and "knowledge" is handled? do all the personalities have the same intelectual level? or one can act dumber than other or smarter?
Intelligence level depends on the age of the personality. Some may be 5,14,39.80,etc, and have that level of intelligence.
I ama teacher and have had out IQ tests at home for myself totake at random times when different personailities are out front. My 5 yr old alter can only add numbers up to 20 and read on a 1st grade level. the 8 year old alter can read at a 3rd grade level. the adults are all highly intelligent (although I feel pretty dumb sometimes!)
And they all know the same things?
No , not all alters share knowledge. they may not all share knowlledge of abuse, of the past, of math, of college,of the person's life. it varies by system and by alter.
Oh, and abilities change too. Inside me,Carolineine can cook.I cannot. Missy understands Physics because she took that class in college, but I dont remember any of it, so I dont read physics books. ButI can do a lot of things that they cant.
Also, we all have different likes and dislikes as well.
January 12, 2006
It ISNT denial when I tell T that those bad things didnt happen to me!!! they just happened to my body! NOT ME! My body is NOT ME. Why does she says thats denial? It bugs me so much when I just want all the bad stuff to go away, and my T just sits there and confronts me with "If nothing happened, then you wouldnt be here in my office. If nothing happened, you wouldnt dissociate. If nothing happened to you, you wouldnt have multiple personalities." AAAGH!!!! I HATE THOSE WORDS!! I Just want everything to go AWAY!
I dont want any connection to this stupid ,fat body or anything that happened to it.
Sorry... really lousy therapy tonight. I lost time, I also cant remember most of what I WAS there and saying, and I didnt get to talk about anything I needed to. Not doing so great right now.
January 20, 2006
Helping traumatized children
Helping children who have been through rough times is part of my job. And I'm pretty good at it. But I dont know why we just can't seem to help Mae.
For the past 2 weeks or so, Mae has been acting up, which she hasn't done in a LONG time. In the past couple years she has gotten so much better at using her words, speaking up instead of crying, and behavinga appropriately. Getting to go talk to our therapist is a big incentive for her. But lately, Mae refuses to talk, has been crying, staying inside, refuses to even write notes or color a picture about what's bothering her. She stays inside this inner room we have inside and kicks and screams and cries to keep everyone away who tries to calm her down. This just isn't like her.
It all started a few weeks ago when I went to have a massage. We have had body massages before. They are very relaxing and helpful. For some reason this time, Mae had a huge reaction.
A long time ago, back when I was in college, when Mae first showed up inside, she was just a little voice that called "Mommy?" all the time, and then cried. It has taken years and years to get her to a place where she can talk. Our therapist has worked so hard with Mae and she's come a long way. I just dont want to see her slip backwards.
Our therapist said she would talk with Mae, but I dont know how much good it will do if Mae is not talking back. She is once again acting like a traumatized little frightened child again and wont let us know why.
January 21, 2006
Bottled up feelings, making eye contact
I'm carrying a lot of bottled of feelings again. I want to get them out, but even when I'm talking to my therapist (the only person in the world I have to talk to), I can't really let myself talk. We had this really long therapy session the other day and it was so hard, over the dumbest thing. I was a few minutes late, because of traffic, and kept apologizing, I was afraid I'd get into trouble. Of course, that wouldn't happen. My therapist isn't my dad. I know that. But the old tapes inside my head are so ingrained. I kept apologizing and she said I kept acting like I was shaking in my boots. I couldn't help myself. She wanted me to just make eye contact with her so I could see she wasn't mad. But I couldnt do that. I dont make eye contact with anyone, ever. EVER. I had other things to talk about, but she wouldnt let me move on until I could just practice making some eye contact, because its so hard for me, she just wanted me to do this one simple thing. I KNOW its simple. Missy makes eye contact all the time--- SHE stares people down. Everyone else can look at people. Except me. I'm so afraid to. Eyes are windows to the soul. I dont want to see people looking at me and seeing how horrible I am. And I'm so afraid of what I will see if I look at someone, see them being mad or judging me or scaring me.
It took over an hour of a pep talk and talking to myself (and lots of calling myself names because I felt so stupid, and then my therapist talking me out of doing that) just to look at her once for a couple seconds. I was terrified.
I feel so dumb. If everyone else inside can look at people, why can't I?
Its so stupid.
I did get to talk finally, a little bit. But I had to do it from far away. I'm afraid to get started and open up again in therapy. I have to keep quiet. Being back at my family's house for the holidays just reminded me and reinforced all the family's rules that I grew up with-- be quiet, keep my mouth shut, don't tell. So the only thing I actually talked about is the problems we're all having with Mae lately. What I need to talk about is ... well, other stuff. See, I can't even mention it in y journal entry. How dumb is that.
The best thing for me to do is hide. Hide from the feelings that are all bottled up inside me. I have wanted to cut so badly lately. But I haven't.
January 22, 2006
Escaping and sleep
I slept away the entire weekend! Ah, the joy of being so out of it that I dont know a thing that's going on.This is Pilgrim. I couldn't really say much about what's gone on this whole weekend,except that I've been in a sleepy daze. Slept in til about noon both days, took naps on the couch for hours. Yesterday there was something that scared me really bad, but I went back inside,and someone else took over on the outside, so I doubt that anyone outside could tell I was having terrible flashbacks and nightmares.
How handy it is, to have something to hide behind all the time, so no one in the outside world knows what's really going on. It means they don't have to listen to my strange stories, the endless and scary flashbacks. Then I don't have to listen to anyone lecture me on "you really need to get over your past." "Its all over now-- time to get over it."
And how isolating and lonely. I do it to myself, I guess. I'm too afraid of what people around me will think of me, too afraid of the lectures, the disappointed looks, the "I told you so's". It seems safer to keep everything inside.
But I'm so lonely.
Sleep lets me escape.
January 24, 2006
Self-destruction after therapy
This is just me jo. Sorry if this doesn’t make sense in some parts, my head is hurting a lot from things going on inside. I feel like I’m back in my fog.
I want to cut so bad and Mae is trying hard to get out front again and cut and I’m trying to keep in control so she doesn’t. So I thought I’d make myself sit here and write, and not get up from the computer no matter what until husband gets home, not even to get a drink or anything, until it feels safer, and Mae’s done enough for one night probably.
Missy wants to know if Mae dropped acid or something after therapy tonight. Because she had a big meltdown.Now our notebook is gone again and hands are hurt a little I am sure she pounded them on the steering wheel and I don’t know what else and she keeps saying BUT IT WAS IN THE CAR! LEAVE ME ALONE! And she kept yelling at herself for being a stupid fat dumb girl and she hated herself.
And I have know idea how long it took her to calm down but I kept trying to make her let me take over and it took a long time because she was so worked up and she kept wanting to scream but she wouldn’t let any screams come out, I kept telling her the police would come if she did scream, she wanted to get out of the car and run away and I wouldn’t let her, until I managed to drive away, and it took until we were halfway home that I could drive without Mae trying to take over. *AGH.*
Mae keeps crying that she wants to die (not that I’M one to talk; but do we really have to go back to THAT again? And is this how frustrated people feel with me when I say that? Because if so, I will NEVER say it again, I really won’t.) She keeps crying “But I WANT my mom” and then getting more and more worked up.
But the part that is bothering me a lot besides just Mae crying and yelling “I hate you” and “I wish I was never born” and all that is that every time she cries something like “I want my mom!” it feels like this electric shock goes up between my legs and inside and up through my throat and mouth. Like.. Ummm.. Like body memories, of K, stuff he did. I don’t know why or where its coming from. Kind of feels like punishment. Every time Mae cries for mom, we get that electric shock. Like maybe to teach her not to say it or something. She was saying earlier today that it feels like she’s full up inside, like no more fits in her, and every time we get this electric shock feeling, it feels like she’s about to get sick.
I don’t know. She keeps crying and pounding and I just don’t know what to do. Pilgrim's like, “damn it all to hell all this multiple personality shit, I’ don’t know what to do anymore”, and Missy isn’t even being mean, its like something else.
God. I don’t know. We’re all a bunch of stupid nobodies probably. Probably not Carolineine, people like her and what she has to say. The rest of us, are just idiots I think.