August 3, 2005

this is NOT RIGHT!! it says tomorow is back to school time
this is not right!!! we did not do everthing yet!!!!
we still got to go to a aligator farm and have a backyard circus and ride a dolphin and swim with sharks and go bunjy jump and pet a whale
DONT EVEN LAUFF I AM SEREUS
THIS IS NOT RIGHT
he said we CANT
SUMMER IS OVER NOW
THIS SUCKS!
i am trying to get him to let us stay up til 11;00 but he only compramised til 10:10.
caroline even says so to.
HA HA i am eating ice cream right out of the box. it says HEALTHY CHOICE ROCKY ROAD and its ALL MINE because just i am here right now THIS IS JUST A BOY SPACE TIME
it is choclate and i put choclate sirrup on it and it would give those girls a big stomakeacke but I CAN TAKE IT because i am a boy HA HA HA
i am a good boy. but those girls you know they have problems that come frist its ok. i like them to take care of them. some time if you ask for me i will come say hi.
i want it to stay sommer for ever!!!!!!!
from TUCK

Posted by pilgrim at 7:44 PM | Comments (0)

August 4, 2005

Every year when school starts I get overloaded and overwhelmed. I'm determined to not let that happen this year. I'm determined to find and maintain some balance. I hope I can pull it off for once. This year I am really prepared for work and got a lot of things done early. The students come back to school in a few days. I just mainly need for my mind to focus and let me get things done. That is really hard to do. One inside, named Nobody, is really, really having a hard time. She talked to my therapist for a few minutes yesterday, I'm not sure about what, but I know it opened up a lot of problems. And her depression is so bad that it spreads to me, makes me feel part of it. I know I don't feel nearly as bad as she does. But it does make it hard for me to work and get things done. I have to rely more on Caroline to get things accomplished for me.
Right now I just dont feel much like talking. I feel more like curling up on the couch with Nobody and just spacing out like she does. I dont think I have time to though. I just feel like doing nothing. Caroline is frustrated with me though, because she feels like being busy and doing EVERYTHING and she is really motivated to get things done for school. If we each had our own bodies we could do what we wanted to. Sometimes it just isnt fair to have to share.

Posted by pilgrim at 4:06 PM | Comments (1)

August 8, 2005

right now i feel like i cant take anymore.
everyone inside, even the "up" people, are down. Thoughts of cutting and purging, feeling like we "NEED" to, are very strong. aching inside and outside and way overtired.
one of my pets died last night.
animals being hurt is our biggest, most traumatizing trigger. has been all my life. if there's one guaranteed way to hurt me, thats the way.
mind is splitting again. all day today. eyes dont focus. head swirly. feel so far away inside, not connected to my body.

Posted by pilgrim at 2:55 PM | Comments (2)

August 9, 2005

She is trying to think of a name that fits her but so far likes LoriAnne the best. We thought that you didnt develop new alters as an adult. Yet here she is. Isn't that against the rules or something? :(
Popped up tonight after a REALLY lousy therapy session. we cant cope. cant handle whats going on. more bad news came today. unable to handle it. mind is splitting, splitting more. unable to focus. cant process simple information. losing things. cant.take.anymore.
more bad news on top of more bad news.
ya we all did go far away this new big girl come out BIG YELLEING bad words :o
She's like a bigger Missy
cant talk. there is no one. jo wants to die and cut and hurt. caroline so tired.
husband needs me. school needs me. students need me. animals need me.
always in my life i need to be more than 1 person
we;re all doing so bad
better shut up no
therapist cant help
no friends in real life around
everyones busy
no one can help
there isnt anyone to help anyway

Posted by pilgrim at 6:17 PM | Comments (0)

There are 2. New inside people.
We looked up names.
Kaden, means fighter.
Trista means sorrow or sad.

misty, caroline, shut up. just dong what i need to, to get by. they have no idea. whats going on. cant explain.
all i wanted was someone to talk to and be here for me in this extra hard time.
that is too much to ask. we know. we know. selfish self centered stupid pilgrim, fat pilgrim, cant do anything right.

Posted by pilgrim at 8:24 PM | Comments (0)

we just want someone to play with.
kids.

Posted by pilgrim at 8:28 PM | Comments (0)

August 10, 2005

words are hard to find. i need to reach out. should. know that.
but, they dont come all the way to the surface. no one to listen, really. if a tree falls in the forest and theres no one to hear it, does it still make noise?
easier to go for a walk and disappear inside my head
i hate myself so much. i feel so crazy.

Posted by pilgrim at 3:30 PM | Comments (1)

I have a forum that I made for people with dissociative disorders. I'm the administrator there so I feel like my role is to be the supporter of everyone else. Probably I could lean on others a little, because the people on the Message Board (A Mind's Journey) are wonderful, caring, loving people. But I still feel like that, as the Admin, its my job to keep things running smoothly there, to be there for all of them. I used to have a live journal to post in, but then someone found out I have it, and i dont want to know certain details of my life so I had to go erase everything out of it. Here, I need to remain anonymous and not give away too many details, because it is public and I need to retain some anonymity.
I feel like I have nowhere to go to REALLY be me. Even in therapy, we have to be so careful. Can't REALLY be too "out there", can't really be how we REALLY are, how crazy inside can't show on the outside.
I wish I had a place to really be me. Us. We. All of us.
to really be free. to talk, to express ourselves. to be known. our friends have online journals, have friends to talk to. we dont have that--- not really.
just feel so isolated.

Posted by pilgrim at 6:11 PM | Comments (0)

August 13, 2005

Its finally the weekend, and after an insane week, I'm trying to pull myself together. Not altogether successfully as it turns out, but, a little better than I have been.
Things have been so extremely disorganized. Not only in my head, but in my life, in my classroom, in my home. I cant find things, stuff disappears out of my hands because I'm switching so frequently that I cant keep up with anything. I am wanting very badly to do lots of negative behaviors like eating disorder stuff and cutting and things like that, so far I haven't, but the urges are so strong.
My therapist told me about Tuesday's session... apparently, "I" was pretty nuts. I dont remember much of this week. I'll have to take her word for it. I remember only small bits and pieces. Someone ELSE (inside) was saying they were me in my session, so that really threw off my T. I assured her it was NOT ME.
I swear, we need to wear name tags.
One thing I did this week to help myself was scrap my old computer, with all its completely mixed up files and pictures and documents and sites, and got a new one. I tried several times to re-organize the old one's files and stuff, but nothing helped. Too many minds working on it at once. Caroline and me and Jo and Missy and everyone else each had their own way of storing things and organizing, for the past few years. IT JUST DOESNT WORK.
So we got a new computer. And I promise, this one must have been made just for multiples!
It has a DUAL PROCESSOR! So basically, it has TWO MINDS. It can run several different programs and processes at once, so its not going to mind so much when Caroline is chatting, I am downloading photos, mae is playing a game, Tuck is searching the internet, ALL AT THE SAME EXACT TIME. How cool is THAT!? It is an HP Media Center PC with a pentium D processor. I'm hooked for life.
This weekend I'm really trying to relax, but its hard. There's a lot going on. I'm extremely stressed and depressed and dealing with a lot of issues. Most important right now though is catch up on sleep I think. Work has been nuts. I need to relax, drink lots of water, and eat healthy so that I can deal with next week since it will be here before I know it.

Posted by pilgrim at 7:58 PM | Comments (0)

August 15, 2005

Tomorrow we have a 2 hour session scheduled with my therapist. I wish It would hurry up and get here. Hopefully I'll be brave enough to bring up what we need to talk about, which my T mentioned briefly last week. Its one of the biggest triggers ever-- animal abuse.
I cant say any more about it-- just writing that makes the blood drain from my head and arms and my head starts to swirl.
Cant discuss it. Its a trigger that we have no control over yet. Makes me switch and run away every time. Cant take even little things. Animals being hurt even by accident--- dissociate, bye, I'm gone. Flashbacks, screaming,and terrible feelings.
Maybe tomorrow we can have time to talk about it. I dont know. Maybe I wont be brave.
Its hard to do this on my own. There isnt much support. Everyone's too busy, too stressed out. My husband is extremely stressed out by his job and some things with his children. Our doorbell rings at night with someone crying at the door needing his help. He has long days at work. There is only so much he can do.
Inside, Mae yells and pushes out her hands and tries to hit whenever the topic of animals being hurt comes up. Caroline has to take her away off into the woods (a place we have inside) to calm her down, and its just not good.
I am making friends though. They're not the type of friends I can ever tell about being multiple though. They're just surface level friends, ones to go out for lunch and dinner with, go to scrapbooking parties with and such.
I wish so much I had a real friend. I'm so lonely. We all are.

Next time I write I will tell about internal landscapes.

Posted by pilgrim at 6:19 PM | Comments (1)

August 17, 2005

I said that I would write about Internal Landscapes the next time I wrote, so that's what I'm going to talk about today.
First can I say "I AM EXHAUSTED"!! I am so stressed out, my husband is stressed out. My session yesterday was so hard, didn't go very well, and last night I woke up screaming. I dont know who was screaming but I just remember my husband saying "STOP that!" (yah, real helpful) :(
I need to disappear. I hate myself.

Ok... internal landscapes. A lot of people with DID, but NOT ALL, have them. Its like this... imaginary land inside. Like using your imagination, but more real than that. Well, I guess I better just speak from my point of view only.

Inside of my head, we have this whole world going on. I wish I could draw a picture and show everyone. Maybe we can create something on Paint Shop Pro and post it.
If I look from my point of view, I'm by a pathway. There's a lot of grass, some trees. There is a forrest ahead of me off to the right. The forrest is where we can go hide if we need to, but there are parts of it that are safe places to go hide to calm down. Its a little bit down a hill.
Off to my left, there is a bridge that crosses over a nice little creek. The creek is really sparkley, makes a nice sound. The bridge is about 5 or 6 feet long going across. There is a telescope on one side that Mae and Tuck decorated so they can look into the past or look in on mom and dad when they need to (its something we worked on in therapy one day.) On the path is where we can usually meet up with each other to talk. Usually if I'm going to be able to meet with anyone inside, its here on the path, outside, in the sun. We will usually sit together on the path. Mae held hands with me once there. Missy and I usually just go face to face with our hands on our hips. Caroline and I just stand together side by side.
There is also, a little bit farther away, a castle. Its a huge place. There are rooms for everyone, places to play, places to meet. There is a moat and a big door to keep the bad people out. The windows are way up high so that no one can get into them during the night.
Behind the castle, down a hill, is a swingset and play yard.
There's a barn with horses, and a giant field of flowers and wheat where Claire always is, holding and playing with her animals, and she never comes in contact with people. The sun is always shining over her.
There is also a school, where we have classrooms, and a staff meeting room for staff meetings to discuss problems and issues. Its hard to meet there. Everyone has problems meeting still and getting along. But a school is a place we can all relate to and have positive connotations about. We used to try to think of ourselves as a "family", but the family idea was just too negative. But school has mostly happy memories associated with it.
I'm so tired and my brain is overloaded... think I'll tell more another day. I feel so spacey.

Posted by pilgrim at 3:33 PM | Comments (1)

I'm supposed to go to my eating disorder support group tomorrow night. Supposed to be there every other week (it alternates with therapy). I just dont think I'm going to make it. Right now, with school being so busy, so much going on, too much paperwork, too much on my mind, nightmares waking me up all the time, I am just exhausted. I think its just going to be better if I stay home tomorrow and lay down and rest like I tried to do for a while tonight. My stomach is in knots and my body hurts. Maybe its just too much business at work , Maybe its just all psycho-somatic. Maybe we're just a bunch of hypochondriacs. Maybe its because we don't eat rignt (my nutritionist would chime in at this point and say "BINGO! There you go!" ) I have been trying to eat better the last few days. There's so much on my mind, and so many disgusting flashbacks, that my stomach does flips at the thought of eating. I'm not going to force myself to eat if I already feel like throwing up. That seems pointless.
Just need to get basic needs met right now. Sleep. I just want to sleep. That is all.

Posted by pilgrim at 7:17 PM | Comments (1)

August 18, 2005

I am going through information overload right now!!! It is always like this at the beginning of every school year, for the first few weeks. This year it is a little harder, for several reasons that I can't really go into because of confidentiality problems. But I feel like I'm losing my MIND. Not another piece of information can fit into my mind.
Caroline doesn't seem to be helping me at ALL these days. She usually takes over for school. CAROLINE is the good teacher, the patient one, the perfect one. I am sure she is probably just trying to help me see that I can get through things on my own, even without her assistance, but I sure to miss her. I wish she would just take over, Caroline and her uplifting positive attitude, and do everything for me. The positive side of having inside people: not having to go through hard things myself. Well right now, I'm not getting any help. And its difficult. But I must be having to learn to cope by myself, or Caroline wouldn't leave me like this alone, I dont think.
I haven't been wanting to eat anything lately. My stomach just is in knots a lot. I haven't been feeling well. Stress I guess. I ended up not going to my support group tonight. I was too exhausted, then I forced myself to get out for a walk in hopes of raising my spirits. I tried to call a few different people for support, but my "friends" are just never available and are going through enough problems of their own. My sister (Cody) did call me later when she was able to which was great. I got to talk to my niece Sammy, which always cheers me up.
Tomorrow is Friday, and we're going out to dinner with a new friend. I'm a little nervous, but determined to do THIS friendship RIGHT this time, in a HEALTHY way. I am determined to not look crazy or weird. I have been making a few new friends at work this month and trying hard to seem as non-freakish as possible.
I can't wait til the weekend so I can just sleep some more.

Posted by pilgrim at 6:53 PM | Comments (0)

August 20, 2005

Last night I made it through dinner like a normal person!! I am so amazed. I ate, I didn't switch and rely on any inside people to handle the dinner and conversation for me, I stayed present the whole time (which was a little scary for me), and I even talked like an adult. WOW. I have NEVER done that before.

Posted by pilgrim at 5:30 PM | Comments (1)

August 22, 2005

Wow, I am so glad that another Monday is over with! I like Mondays-- I really do. I love my job so much that I actually enjoy being at school. Right now though since its the beginning of the school year, everything is SOOO stressful! Everything is just going a mile a minute in 20 different directions, everyone needs something from me, and today I had a couple of kids in emotional crises during my planning period, so I never did get anything accomplished. Well, I did comfort some kids, so that is accomplishment on some level :)
My paperwork, however, continues to pile up. It seems there is never enough time in the day.
The inside kids still want time to come out an play on their own, and there just hasn't been time yet. They are very frustrated and feeling trapped; I understand. As soon as we can, they WILL get time to come out and play. The adults are under so much pressure right now. So much work has to get done. We're TRYING to make time for them. Before long, they'll come out on their own at inappropriate times, if we're not careful.
I'm having some people issues lately. There is a small handful of people in my life that I know, of whom I am acquainted with on various levels, that I'm thoroughly tired of hearing them whine and complain about their lives and yet do nothing to help themselves. I have been choosing to distance myself from these people, as they're not healthy or helpful to have around. I've moved past needing them as friends/family/acquaintances. Which is probably good, because all them are too involved in their own crises and busy lives to have any clue as to what's going on in mine. A few years ago, I would have taken their lack of interest as my fault. Now I am in a place where I can realize its more about them than me and don't take it personally. Besides, these particular people have plenty of others who are willing to give them the "Ohhh, poor you, I feel so sorry for you" responses that they seem to need to hear. Thankfully, although I am still very lonely most of the time, I've been working on developing healthier relationships with new people. Its hard. Most of the time I'd rather be alone because its easier. But I am realizing in recovery that I have a choice of who I hang around with--- people who bring me down or people who are uplifting. I used to not have a choice. Now I do.
Ahh, now it is almost time to go to bed, Thank goodness. Now to be ready to hit the ground running again tomorrow. At least tomorrow we have therapy. I hope it goes better than last week.

And a GREAT BIG THANK YOU to JUDY for sending us a beautiful butterfly necklace in the mail today!! :) We love you!

Posted by pilgrim at 7:27 PM | Comments (1)

August 24, 2005

For some reason, October is a huge trigger for us. I know of a few "bad things" that happened in Octobers of the past, but I dont know, they just dont seem to explain the wild downfall that happens every fall.
Today we went into a craft store to look for some clay. However, some aisles were displayed with pumpkins, fall leaves, scarecrows, skeletons, and the like. Immediately we felt like we got punched in the stomach. Mae popped out front and panicked, and we ran out of the store.
Here is what she wrote:
NO WAY this is not righht NOT FAER ether they got halowen and october stuff in the store we saw it after sfchool in the craft storee
but her saw it and disapered and we did have to leve fast rigth away
NO NO NO FA:LL STUFF
NOT ALREDY
it hurts so bad in my stomake like im gone to throw u p
NO SOUP for supper now NO NO i will just throw up aneway
i want to cut so bad
caroline says the bad pepol dint get me last year
even in october
i no that
but klook the decoratshins are out agaain. they come back.THEY COME BACK
octobner STILL IS COMEING.
car oline says its a long way a away
but they got there pumkins and witchis out and skeltons and bad fases alredy
my st omake hrts so bad. it h er ts in my chest. i dont want them to get me. i just want t o run away
thare try makeing me not cut
im t ying makeing me not throw up
jo she nose wh y this is bad ask her
i dont want it to come
fro,m stupidmae

We are so tired of the October downfall. But our therapist can count on us, like clockwork, to have a relapse every October. However, last year it wasn't as bad. Hopefully this year we can avoid it all together somehow. Its going to take a lot more cooperation and inside meetings.
right now we are too tired to think about it. first we need to balance out our busy day with a bit of a break, then we'll come back to work on tackling this inside stuff. right now we desperately need a little down time.

Posted by pilgrim at 3:41 PM | Comments (1)

August 26, 2005

This week I find myself reminiscing.
A special child in my life is going off to college. Jenny.
I was practically still a kid myself when she was born. So it isn’t that I feel old or anything.
But it makes me think a lot about what was going on in my life when this child was born.
*sigh*…. Child…. She isn’t a child anymore. She’s a beautiful young woman, who loves to help others, she’s tall and pretty and intelligent, everything I knew she would be and even more. No longer is she the little girl who sent me mail with my name spelled wrong, who I sent science and art books. She isn’t the little girl that we played house with. She’s the intelligent young woman that we have discussions with about politics and the world, who invites us out to dinner…. Who graduates near the top of her class. She is so healthy, well-rounded, thoughtful.
When she was born, she came at just the right time for me. It was always, to me, like she was meant to be mine.
I was in junior high. I had spent the 1st year of junior high not speaking at all at school, because in 6th grade a friend told me I talked too much. I was afraid to be heard again. That set me up as an easy target for bullies. The 2nd year of junior high I was molested by a boy who knew I would not say anything. After that The Bully took over in my mind, and I remember very little from that year as myself. I had the Bully to protect me, and he was always very loud and angry and came out fighting
But then along came this little baby in my life, who looked like me because we were cousins. She had parents who obviously loved her. She became my passion. I spent the next several years helping teach her, baby sit her, and being friends with her. Having her in my life at that point was the best thing that could have happened. When I was going through a tough struggle with anorexia in high school, my teachers and family used her as leverage. “Jenny needs you. You have to eat for HER. You have to be a good example for HER. What’s she going to do without her?” Just like people do now, using my niece Sammy as leverage. Having Jenny in my life back then probably saved my life, just like having Sammy in my life now has probably saved my life on more than one occasion.
I miss that little girl that Jenny used to be. I love the amazing woman she has become. Watching her grow up has been hard at times. She looks like me. But her parents are so different than mine. Jenny is celebrated in her family. Her parents take photos of her all the time. They display her trophies she wins. They go to her sporting events. They say good things about her to other people. They say good things about her TO her. They brag about her. She isn’t expected to keep quiet, keep her head down, be invisible. She goes to her parents to talk about things that are going on in her life. She even gets hugs and kisses from them, even as a young adult. I can not even imagine this kind of life. I cannot even imagine how wonderful this must make her feel. I can’t imagine what it must to do a child to know inside that they are loved by their parents, to have attention from them, to feel wanted. Her smile in family pictures, I can tell, is real.
Sometimes I wonder, what if I’d been born in a different family? One where I felt wanted? One where I felt needed? Where I felt important?
But then I think, I probably would have ruined that family too… I would have made those parents not want me too, because that’s just the kind of kid I was, I was just one of those bad kids who made good people turn into bad.. I feel like God could have given me the best parents in the world, and I was so bad I would have ruined them too.
Going to get going now… this has gotten too hard to write.

Posted by pilgrim at 6:36 PM | Comments (2)

August 27, 2005

The craft store today.
I think I’m going to need to stay out of craft stores for a while. They have their fall and Halloween decorations out and its just not good. I had to run into a craft store today to buy a basket. Five minute task. But the baskets are by the Fall stuff. I tried to stay calm and tell myself that there is NOTHING wrong with the fall stuff, they’re even PRETTY decorations. But Mae, inside (AT LEAST SHE KEPT IT INSIDE THIS TIME) kept yelling “I DON’T WANT TO SEE IT!” over and over again. I tried to go touch some of the fall decorations so Mae would see that they’re not going to hurt her. But she was too close by, and wouldn’t let me get my hands close enough, and my hands felt like they were burning. By this time I was shaking and just had to get out of there. Longest five minutes ever. She keeps yelling “I DON’T WANT TO SEE IT!” and my stomach feels like I got kicked.
I wish I could understand why this is so hard to handle.

Posted by pilgrim at 8:59 PM | Comments (0)

August 29, 2005

I dont even understand why I feel this way, but I feel left out. Left out of the online communities I belong to, left out of my family, left out of the world, left out at my job somehow too (even though I know that is probably not true about work.) I am just really lonely. I want someone to talk to, a friend. I want a place where I can write about how I'm really feeling, about things that happened at work today or inside my head. I want a friend that I can call up and chat with about the day, find out how her day is going, tell her about mine. I don't have someone like that, and I'd give just about anything. I am just so lonely.
As of today things are still extremely stressful at work but I'm working hard to get a handle on things, and making a little bit of progress in separating work and home lives. Been leaving all my school work at school. Leaving home things at home. In the car on the way to and from work, I play ENYA music and usually pray, to try to relax. I have managed to sneak in a few minutes of reading here and there, and a few minutes of listening to music here and there also. Sometimes I have up to 10 minutes to relax. Its rare but I 'm grateful for any and every second.
Maybe next week things will calm down.
What all of us inside are wishing for most is a friend.

Posted by pilgrim at 6:44 PM | Comments (2)

August 31, 2005

ha ha this is tuck but sometimes i call me GODZILLA BOY.Because i attack the ants and other bad guys on the side walks and smash them. guess what i did today. i sneakt in at school. the teachers werent looking. they were doing centers. and me and this boy he is spanish we were doing finger paint. and we had green paint. And i put some of the green on my nose and it made him lauff then i put some on his nose. then hosay put more green paint on my nose and on his nose then we rubd it into our hands a little to see it felt slimy. well that made him lauff more.
caroline didnt get mad tho. she thout it was funny and said maybe we do nneed to liten up some. i thout it was funny .
and guess what caroline sined us up for a new grup at school. its the grup of teachers that goes out and fixes up the yard and plants things. and grows stuff. like last year when we got to go dig in the mud at school on a saturday? now we get to be in a real grup to do it for real with the other teachers and i'll be so glad to get to dig and grow things outside at school and plant treees and make new stuff i thout that was nice for caroline to volintere to do that so i culd do it. from tuck.

Posted by pilgrim at 5:23 PM | Comments (0)