February 02, 2005

Too much pressure in my head... in a fog

I'm here again.
I have a really bad headache tonight, like there is too much pressure in my head.
Sorry... right now I dont have the words to explain what's been going on. Will try later. Will try to write my way out of this fog.

Posted by pilgrim at 04:41 PM | Comments (3)

February 03, 2005

Trying to catch up

Splitting headache continues.
I'm still trying to catch up with what's going on. I feel foggy.
I know that Nobody went to therapy today and talked with our therapist... something about their relationship, something about.... ?? using a different language??.... when she feels up to it she can explain.
At least in all of this confusion the past week or so, I lost a little weight. Apparently whoever was around, just didn't eat... being someone with an eating disorder, I dont have a problem with that. ;)
I have a few days off coming up. We're going to really try to make them constructive... take time to do some artwork and inside communication. This really needs to happen. Things have fallen apart for the past week. That might not sound like long to most people, but if you're inside and in a trainwreck its way too long.

Posted by pilgrim at 05:31 PM | Comments (1)

February 04, 2005

Time passing by for alters unaware

A while ago Paul asked Does SadGirl experience time passing? This is one point I've never figured out... whether a personality feels time unless it is fronting?. (I'm sorry it took me this long to get back to this question; I hope you're still reading.

I dont quite understand how SadGirl experiences time passing.
I know she mainly lives in the 1970's. She says things like "you know how the other day we went to the park"... and it turns out she is talking about something that happened in 1977. But then at times she will say, "Oh a long long time ago I did _____"... and it turns out she's talking about last Wednesday.
She just seems to have no sense of time at all.
SadGirl does seem to have a better sense of things when she's around consistently for several days at a time, then things begin to make more sense to her. But as things work, most of the time SadGirl just gets bits and pieces of the day, or sometimes just time out a couple days a week. Life is probably pretty inconsistent for her, as much as I try to make things reliable and consistent and routine.
Time is a very tricky subject for everyone inside, actually. But thats such a complicated topic, I wouldn't even know where to start. Its like it doesn't even exist.

Posted by pilgrim at 10:02 PM | Comments (2)

February 05, 2005

more on time

I was wondering about SadGirl and time too. I was wondering if she just doesn't see calenders or things with dates on them. For instance the posts here are dated and she has posted here before, right? Perhaps it's a preconditioned response to not look at calendars or dates on things.--Judy

Well...actually... hm. Never even noticed that the posts here are dated, actually. So I doubt that SadGirl has noticed it either.
*bonk on head*
--duh--
None of us actually ever looks at calendars, dates, or times much.
We have clocks all over our house-- in every room. In fact for many years we had THREE clocks on the dresser beside my bed. Trying to hold onto time for lots of different reasons. Because time skips around so much... and moves around at different rates... and sometimes stands still and sometimes skips ahead... time has just been too complicated. Its always been this way ever since I was little.
Some of us wear a watch. Some of us refuse to. Some of us check the clocks all the time. Some of us dont even know how to tell time. Some of us can't ever remember what day it is. It just varies on who's fronting and what's important to them.

Posted by pilgrim at 12:13 PM | Comments (1)

February 07, 2005

saw my nutritionist today

Well I dragged my sorry self 40 minutes to therapy this morning, gasping and wheezing for oxygen,(I am having a bad asthma problem) only to discover that my therapist wasn't coming in today.
I was really disappointed because it was me (Pilgrim) there for a change... instead of one of the others, and it had taken a lot out of me to manage to get there. Ugh.
But as it happened, my nutritionist was coming up the stairs, and she had an open spot at 11:00 and she made some time for me, thank goodness, so I didn't go all that way just to turn around and go home again. I was so grateful. I wrote her a thank you note this afternoon. It made me feel better that someone made a half an hour in her day for me.

Posted by pilgrim at 01:19 PM | Comments (0)

Not that this is any surprise, but...

... I'm lonely.

My heart hurts to have a friend here with me.

I would like to call Judy and talk to her, but her phone is probably not on.
I would like to call my sister, but I can guarantee she's in bed asleep.
I wish I had a friend I could call and talk to. Or ... go over to their house... a place to go for refuge.
I wonder what it is like, to have someone to lean on? to know that you can rely on? to know that you can trust? what is it like t

there is no sense in this kind of talk.

maybe tomorrow i will write about Mixed Messages. I was going to tonight but... my heart just hurts.

Posted by pilgrim at 09:14 PM | Comments (1)

February 08, 2005

mixed messages:you're good, you're bad, you're fat, you're thin,you're hopeless,you're the best?

Growing up I was surrounded by mixed messages all the time. I never knew what to expect in my house, my family, my friends, or extended family from one second to the next. Anyone and anything could turn on me without a moment's notice. It felt like there was never any foundation to hold on to... nothing that was ever stable. I was good and i was bad. They were proud of me and humiliated by me. I was worthy and I was worthless. I was smart if I got an A and stupid if I got a B+. I was a pretty little girl who looked just like my mom and I was ugly because I made a face dad didn't like. Everyone had a right to show their feelings... except me, except us in our house. Dad was allowed to be angry and do whatever he wanted, but if I even frowned, I got sent to my room until I could come back out with a smile on my face. I was just right and I was a fat little pig who ate too much. I was supposed to finish everything on my plate but if I did I was greedy and selfish. I was such a generous little girl but if I dared to ever ask for anything I was selfish, self-centered, and only thought of myself.
It went on, and on, and on. Every day.
I never knew who I was supposed to be.
Was I good or bad or fat or thin or right or wrong or worthy or worthless or wonderful or stupid or smart or allowed to talk or was I to be seen and not heard or not seen at all or....?
I think that developing other people inside was one way to organize all those mixed messages. I am sure I didn't do it consciously. But through all of the chaos that I lived in, maybe my mind made up a way to say: Fine. You say I'm all those different things, but I can't fit all that inside. So OK: Someone will be this and this; someone else will be this; We'll make Missy be bossy, outgoing, worthy, and loud. We'll make Nobody be invisible, never heard, unworthy, selfless. We'll make the Bully the bad guy-- he can take it when you yell and say all those mean things, you can't hurt him. C**** will be the one who's smart, intuitive, beautiful.
Between all the things that were happening to me, inside of me, around me, having no way to rescue myself from the situation because I was just a child, my mind went its own way: here is an escape.
You can't run away, you can't scream, you can't get out of there... but you can go inside your mind and do it.

Posted by pilgrim at 03:28 PM | Comments (4)

February 10, 2005

working really hard

This week I worked so hard in therapy.
I went to see my therapist 3 times. We were working on something sort of specific. I worked real hard on it. My therapist would give me homework too each day and all of us would work together at night on it to get it done.
It makes me feel better inside to know that I can work really hard on something and not have it kill me.
Today though it was a little harder. I was talking to T and Missy took over. My T said Missy was there for 40 minutes talking to her. And I don't even know what about. That makes me nervous... I wish I knew what Missy said. My Therapist didn't even seem to mind that Missy had been there, almost like she even LIKED talking to her! What did that girl SAY? T said it had to do with what we had been talking about, and something about Missy changing, but that's all I know. I can't imagine Missy ever changing. And all I know was that today it went from 2:10 to almost 3:00 in the blink of an eye.
Last night I had a nightmare that woke me up, gasping for breath and sitting straight up in bed. I had dreams that I was working on artwork on the computer-- working on it in layers, like I do when I used Paint Shop Pro-- and someone kept tryng to save the layers of the artwork with the wrong names. Each piece of the artwork kept getting called the wrong name, and it was messing up the entire program, the entire piece! It was, for some reason, very terrifying in my dream. All the parts need to be called the right name and be saved or the artwork isnt going to turn out right. I woke up this morning practically screaming.

nobody.

p.s. i'm sorry this isn't written very good. i am all strung out on cold & sinus medicine. Since I'm the size of a kid, taking adult cold medicine really knocks me out. This stuff was supposed to be non-drowsy. But I still fell asleep and I feel like I got kicked in the head anyway. I'll try to write better when my head clears.
Next time I want to tell you guys what therapy has been about this week.

Posted by pilgrim at 05:25 PM | Comments (1)

*wham*

This is Pilgrim.
I have been laying low a lot.
The one who calls herself "nobody" has been working really hard in therapy this week with my T, and I've been just watching or staying away.
Plus, I've been sick. And I tend to stay away from situations where feelings are involved... its much easier to let the others handle all of the intense things that therapy brings up.

Most of the time, I try to remain in my own little non-aware world... in a fog of denial and unreality. Not just about life, not just about the things that happened to me as I was growing up, but even about
things that go on in the present. What war? What problems at work? What election? What difficulties at home/school/in the country/ in the world/ in therapy/ in my head?

But then things will happen, like today... that it just hits me. I can remain in denial for a lot of the time. Oh, those other people, they're not real. There's no SadGirl, C****, Nobody, Tuck, Claire, twins, whoever. I dont REALLY have anything wrong. Its my imagination (I try to convince myself.) Then things will happen like today. The nightmares that Nobody had this morning that woke her up--- that was definitely not me. Then I know that Nobody went to therapy today-- and she switched and out came Missy. Missy is absolutely, completely, a separate personality, the antithesis of what most of us want to be. (Man, I want to know what she said to our T also... I really hope she behaved herself.). Then this evening another switch and time loss happened again. It happened yesterday too. And then it hits me that dammit, this isn't made up, this isn't my imagination,i didn't invent them up...this is real.... it is all too real...
its overwhelming.

Posted by pilgrim at 09:27 PM | Comments (1)

February 11, 2005

Feeling better

This is Pilgrim.
I feel a little bit better inside today.
I realized that the one who calls herself Nobody, who is usually suicidal and always trying to find ways to die, hasn't wanted to do that for a whole week now.
Which means I have gone a whole week without any suicidal thoughts. It makes things easier on me when I don't have someone in the back of my head pressing on me always saying "i want to die, you have to let me die, I have to go away."
She is actually working, I know she's been working with my therapist, and I've seen the things she's been doing. I dont know any specifics but I have a rough idea of the things they're talking about in therapy. It feels like for the 1st time, she is actually moving on a little bit, instead of being sTuck in her hole of sadness and depression. I think she's developing some sort of relationship with my therapist, and it seems like she even wants to reach out to the rest of us too-- and that's never happened before.
I'm actually sorta amazed... and a little proud. She's 17 and this is the 1st time she's ever wanted to come out from under her black cloud. Its actually kinda neat.

Today I am at home sick. I actually went to the doctor and took care of myself-- a big scary thing. Since SadGirl has been cooped up inside all week, I'm going to put in a children's movie for her to watch, and let her just have some time to herself as a reward. Today I feel like doing something to make her happy.

Posted by pilgrim at 09:16 AM | Comments (1)

February 12, 2005

Website on Dissociative Disorders--- Update

A Mind's Journey, our website for support for people with dissociative problems, is located here.
We have made a few changes to it in the past weeks, making it easier to navigate and more fun. If you have problems with dissociation or PTSD or know someone that does, please do come by to visit. Guests have a forum that they can post in. If you join as a member you will access to the rest of the board.

Posted by pilgrim at 04:02 PM | Comments (0)

February 13, 2005

Cooperation and less fighting inside, and my poor therapist

This weekend went better inside. Less fighting and more cooperation, trying to figure out how to do things to get along a little better.
Well, except for Missy, who seemed to have her say with T on Thursday and hasn't lowered herself to talk to any of us about what she and our T talked about.
I'll try to find out on Tuesday what she said. T will usually tell me, at least give me a rough idea of what they talked about. Confidentiality is sort of inbetween "telling nothing" and "telling everything". My T balances it well. She might not tell me everything that they say (and there isn't time for that anyway) but gives us all a rough estimate of what others have said, what they're working on, what they're thinking and saying and wanting to do, what they need and want. I'm happy with how my T handles it. It must be really complicated for her to have me for a client.

This is something funny. I went to the doctor the other day, and she gave me a bunch of really powerful medications. I don’t usually take adult doses—I take kid doses, for safety reasons. But I have to laugh because THIS is what happens when I take too much medicine: I thought all I was doing was sitting around staring into space last night (sometimes medicine makes me just space out). I could not stop staring. I kept seeing Tuck swinging from vines in my head (weird, I know.) I found THIS posted on my message board from the same time I thought I was just sitting there staring:
i am Tuck and i am 8 and i have too much medisisn in side me and it makes me feel funny and those girls cant control me
HA HA!
I AM A BOY I AM A BOY I AM A BOY :)

I just thought that was kind of funny. He sort of broke loose the other night. I guess he needed to.

Posted by pilgrim at 06:29 PM | Comments (0)

February 14, 2005

Valentine's Day

Today, Valentine's Day, is one of those days where I have a REALLY hard time. I have a very loving husband who is good to me. But I have a lot of very bad memories of Valentine's days from high school and college. There's lots of switching going on, lots of ups and downs. Its really hard to deal with... i dont want to go into any details... but Valentine's day just is full of memories of the worst times ever with my ex-boyfriend. I want to be so loving, caring, and romantic with my husband now, because he deserves it and I love him dearly. But so much junk gets in the way that it takes a lot out of me. Its a really mentally exhausting day.

Posted by pilgrim at 05:28 PM | Comments (0)

overwhelmed

I would like to disappear.
I'm so lonely.

i am just nobody too... just like the other nobody.
who do i think i am, trying to do something good for people, having a website, a diary, writing things that i hope people will learn from? who cares what I think?
Right now I'm jut fat and ugly and a waste of space.
I wish I had a friend to talk to right now.

Posted by pilgrim at 07:20 PM | Comments (5)

February 17, 2005

Hard week

This week has been very hard. Valentine's Day sets off a series of crises that are hard on everyone inside. I have barely been sleeping or eating, been getting lots of stomach aches, and switching a lot. I'm so tired all the time that it feels like if I just let myself close my eyes I'd fall asleep in less than a few seconds. SadGirl got all upset over some flashbacks from the past this week, ended up tearing up my notebooks and papers from therapy, gagging until she threw up, and scribbling all over that she hates everyone. :( Nobody keeps having flashbacks that are pretty severe... ones that make her physically ill. I'm so tired of it all. Plus work has been really frustrating and exhausting this week, the highlight of which was when my computer died and I lost EVERYTHING on it, except for the few files I had time to back up before it it crashed. One of my students is in the hospital and I am extremely worried about her... she isn't that healthy to begin with. :( There's more going on but I dont want to be all whiney and complaining.
SadGirl went to therapy today finally. I am not for sure what she and my T talked about. I do know that T had out some little people toys and they were acting something out...something about the bad people I think, and a big bad wolf with blood on his teeth who would bite the little girl... I think that SadGirl threw away the wolf, or else he went away. Then SadGirl and T were using Tinkertoys to make a playground for the little people together on the floor. I hope that means things were going better. At least SadGirl isn't upset and crying right now.
I've been really lonely and alone. Big surprise.
There isn't anyone.

Posted by pilgrim at 05:14 PM | Comments (0)

February 18, 2005

This weekend

This weekend what I really want to do is curl up under some covers in a big, cozy bed, and sleep and escape. That is all. My body's been aching and I've been exhausted even though I get 9 1/2 hours of sleep a night and I'm always cold. Trying to get over this flu bug, or whatever thing this might be.
Just living from 1 therapy session to the next.
I am lonely and want to talk to someone. I wish I had a friend to hang out with or talk to, someone to go to the mall with or call me on the phone, or someone just to come over and play video games with.

Posted by pilgrim at 08:26 PM | Comments (0)

February 20, 2005

on my own

I have made it through 2 days of handling everything on my own without spacing out or getting lost inside my head. TWO DAYS. I am kinda proud about that. This morning I had to pay some bills, did it just fine by myself without Missy. Friday I handled a rough morning at school by myself without C****. I even made it through the Walmart toy department without SadGirl coming out (although, I did have to walk really really fast through the aisles and not let myself look at anything.)
Friday at work was a little bit frustrating (not much but some) because all of my students who are all very very high needs all wanted my undivided attention constantly and they’ve all been sick which makes some of them whiney and some of them tired and some of them forget that they need to be nice, so this week we’ve had a lot of whining and crying and (so fun) throwing up and fevers in my class. Yesterday the kids were all hanging off me because of course they have to be touching me to believe they have my attention so I had 2 in my lap, 1 hanging on to each arm, 1 in my face, and 1 climbing on my back. Now normally this is just fine and something I love but I have been super tired so all I wanted to do was go home. I know that C**** would have handled things much better than yesterday. I was still kind and loving to the kids but I sure wasn’t feeling it.
Also my classroom computer died on me so I lost dozens and dozens of important files, even though I was backing things up as quickly as I could once I realized it was crashing. Luckily I found that C**** had at least backed up the kids report cards earlier in the month, yay C**** for helping without me knowing it! Boy was I glad to find that disk in my desk! That is something C**** is great for—she thinks of everything.
But I mostly handled things by myself and though I was very quiet and kept to myself I did sit with some other teachers at lunch. I didn’t really say anything though but I did eat in front of them.
Well anyway I just wanted to tell you some good news for a change, that I made it through 2 days on my own with no help from the others.

Posted by pilgrim at 12:16 PM | Comments (2)

February 22, 2005

Multiple Personality Disorder or Dissociative Identity disorder or...

It used to be called only multiple personality disorder--MPD.
Lately its been called dissociative identity disorder--DID.
But I'd prefer the term going away....
or disappearing...
or spacing out...
or even that thing.

What if it was given a name where it didn't sound so BAD? So... looming and large and difficult? And why isn't there a Single Person Disorder? I've met enough people who have plenty of problems being a single person, moreso than multiples have being several people.

Just some random thoughts tonight.

Posted by pilgrim at 06:07 PM | Comments (0)

February 23, 2005

Dissociation out of control

Some times, I believe that I have all this under my control (yah, face it, I'm delusional sometimes *sigh* ) Sometimes I think that I must be making everyone up. I want to pretend they're not there. That they're not real. Or that yes, I dissociate, but really, its not so much a problem.
But too often it just gets out of control. Even when I try to keep it under control, it still gets the better of me. I try hard to stay "here", stay present and at the front of my mind, but then one of the others inside takes control, and I only can stand back from the inside and watch, helpless, as they take over my body and my mind.
I think it has been like that ever since I was in kindergarten or 1st grade. The 1st time I can remember for sure is at age 6, when I got upset, but withdrew inside. But at the same time, I must have gotten a red crayon and scribbled all over the walls in anger. I dont remember doing it... although I've not mentioned this part to my therapist or to anyone else... I've always taken responsibility for it. I just remember SEEING it, the red marks everywhere and it being too late to fix it. But I was the one punished for it. At the same time, I was beginning to slip inside more often at school too.
I'm trying so hard to figure out why all this started happening... why I started to allow myself to slip down this tunnel to where I am now. I want to get my mind under my own control.

Posted by pilgrim at 05:30 PM | Comments (3)

Winnie the Pooh

i got a new game its winnie the pooh
it has a hefalump in it
but i dont no how to get [past the hefalump its to hard
i got some new games
i ben playing with my T. she has the pepol house pepol and famlies. and they got tinkertoys. me and T bilt a plase to play
i try to be good an folow the rules. there be lots ov rules. its hard to be doinng the rules all the time. htis is SadGirl.

Posted by pilgrim at 07:55 PM | Comments (0)

February 24, 2005

When a child is suicidal

What can I do?
I dont even know.
I just dont even know.
SadGirl is facing some really hard stuff. I know she's doing play therapy and talking to my T a lot. I dont know exactly what's going on... theyre talking about the Big Bad Wolf... who comes in and scares little baby girls and bites them. I am not sure what else. SadGirl is so upset. She wants to die. I think she told our T this tonight. It obviously didn't do much good because she was left behind. I dont know whats going on. SadGirl's screaming inside but won't make any noise.
My head is hurting so bad.
i'm nobody.
i'm nobody.
i'm nobody.
worthless.
stupid.
left behind.
no one is going to notice if i'm not at work tomorrow.
we're going to hide away.
SadGirl says we have to hide. the bad wolf is coming. we have to hide.

Posted by pilgrim at 06:43 PM | Comments (2)

February 25, 2005

staying home from work,can't face people today

I stayed home from work today. I can't face people. People are so complicated. I have to figure out what to do with SadGirl.
I slept in til 11:30.
I dont know what I'm going to do with her.

Posted by pilgrim at 09:46 AM | Comments (0)

February 26, 2005

how do I deal with all this?

Its all so much.
Yesterday was such a bad day that I can't even begin to describe it.
An hour on the phone with Judy helped Sadgirl make it through for a little while I think. I'm not sure what they talked about, but I hope it helped. I got ahold of my therapist and got a little information about what in the world has been going on in therapy with SadGirl. I'll write more about that later.
All that we did yesterday was lay on the floor in front of the tv and stare into space. That was it.
Right now I just ... can't think.
Overwhelmed.
There has to be a way to... creatively get myself out of this. Through painting or collages or artwork or writing... I have to find a way to get myself out of this maze of desperation we're in this week.

Posted by pilgrim at 12:49 PM | Comments (1)

hearing voices

I just learned that my (Pilgrim) voice sounds just like SadGirl's.
(She is 5... i am in my 30's... but we sound alike!). Yesterday on the phone with Judy, apparently she was talking to the 5 year old and asked for me. The 5 year old called my name inside and I came to talk to Judy, but Judy didn't believe it was me at first! Or even for a while, I think, because my voice sounds just like hers. Judy didn't believe it was me because that's not the voice that says "Hi, this is Pilgrim" on my voice mail whe you leave a message. I had to explain that THAT is actually CAROL!! Just pretending to be me!! Then Judy said that Nobody's voice sounds different than all of ours, she sounds just like a teenager, intbetween Sadgirl and Carol. I don't even actually know how Nobody's voice sounds, actually. I've never heard it on the outside.
Confused now?
Imagine hearing them all in your head.
I remember when I was little,perhaps 9, my mom told me about how peoples' voices sound different internally than they do externally. That really threw me for a loop. I always wondered what my voices sounded like outside.
I am going to try to get a tape recording of everyone's voices. Its really scary, but I think I want to hear what everyone sounds like.

Posted by pilgrim at 06:52 PM | Comments (2)

February 27, 2005

Questioning everything takes a lot out of me

I think I have mostly just slept for the past 3 days. Its hard for me to get to sleep, but once I do, I just sleep and sleep and sleep for hours. 11 hours a night. 13 hours a night. I'm exhausted. When I get up, I'm still exhausted and want to sleep more. I want to take naps. Yesterday I took a 2 hour nap and then was still exhausted.
Something is going on in my mind.
It feels like a shift is trying to take place.
Internal people are trying to work things out... trying to find different perspectives on life.
Was it all my fault? Or maybe only partially? Was I as bad as they said I was?
Was it all SadGirl's fault? Is she as bad as she thinks?
Was there really MAYBE something a little bit "off" about my family and the way we were raised?
Was something possibley not quite right with my mom and dad?

I dont know. I just dont know. All of these memories, flashbacks, hints, old tapes, are running theMissylves inside, over and over again. I can't deal with it. Thus I sleep and sleep and sleep. I dont want to face it myself!! But I think that the 5 year old is thinking about this, trying to figure things out for herself.
Help, I can't deal with this. I have to go.

Posted by pilgrim at 11:56 AM | Comments (3)

Goldfish crackers and the 5 year old's progress

Goldfish crackers are a big deal in our house.
We have to have them every day for a snack. Either for lunch or before bed, it doesn't matter. One of us likes the parmesagne flavor. One of us likes the pizza flavor. One of us likes the original cheddar flavor. Goldfish crackers are LOTS of fun, especially the rainbow ones. You can count them, divide them up by color, you can eat them in rainbow order or one color at a time (this is what you do when you don't have a social life; you sort your goldfish crackers by color.) Then of course, you can bite their heads or their tails off, and make up little dramas between the fish. This can take up a lot of time, just having snack.

Right now we are out of Goldfish.
And forgot to get some at the store.
Normally, this would have meant that the 5 year old begin to whine and complain and go quickly into panic-mode-- Somewhere along the lines of "but we always have goldfish and i have to have some and we have to go back now and get some because we dont have any and lets go get some we dnt have any i need my goldfish PLEASE i need them i cant have a different cracker it has to be goldfish it HAS to be PLEASE go get some PLEASE i dont want any other cracker it has to be goldfish!"
What can I say? We like routines. Routines and rituals keep us safe in this world.

Today, however... a sign of progress.
She told my husband this:
"We forgot to get goldfish.... but thats okay... I can eat the round crackers or the square crackers or the rectangle crackers for snack tonight instead, huh? It doesnt always HAVE to be goldfish, right?"
"Right."
"And thats ok, right?"
"Right."
"Ok."

(Only 4 years and a bazillion dollars worth of therapy to get her to to learn to cope with the situation of handling something different for snack).

Posted by pilgrim at 05:50 PM | Comments (8)

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