November 4, 2007

There are 10 days of work until Thanksgiving break and I'm just trying to hang in there til then. Its been a very hard time the past few weeks even for Caroline. Our computer crashed and we lost everything, every file, piece of artwork we've made, every program. So we've spent the past week trying to rebuild everything that we lost, and most of it we can't get back (please don't suggest any techie people to contact-- by this time, we have tried everything and everyone, thanks.)
Even with surviving October mostly in 1 piece, things have been pretty rough inside. Someone from our past that we thought was dead, that we had finally made peace with, suddenly contacted us over the weekend. That has stirred up a lot of feelings and a lot of hard memories. Not even Caroline knows how to deal with it. No one knows what to do. An ex-friend that we haven't seen in years is going into the hospital and for some reason that is triggering a lot of reactions. Which doesn't even make sense, because she's been out of our life for years now.
Work is crazy but things may be looking up. Right now things are in limbo, but, there may be some better things on the horizon. We're sort of in a holding pattern for a couple weeks. Things are crazy busy. If we ever have any free time, we try to catch up on some sleep. All of us miss having time to just read for hours on the couch. It seems like all we do is work for school and try to catch up on paperwork we're behind on.
We did a lot of artwork to get through October. An entire art journal. We will be posting some links so you can see it behind the cut:
Woops...nevermind. Since we lost everything on our computer, we had to get the links from someone else and she just went offline. Will try to post them another day.
Anyway it was a journal that we did different topics, several of us, throughout the month, since we didn't have anyone to talk to. Sometimes doing art helps a little.

Posted by pilgrim at 5:08 PM | Comments (3)

November 8, 2007

i'm so scared that my therapist hates me. she called 911 on me tonight. couldnt stop dissociating after an intense session. she found mae and mindy out front. i can't remember what they said. but it was something about waiting for mom to pick them up, i'm not sure why. it was late and dark, and i'm so scared of the dark. why the heck would they be out in the dark waiting for mom. i don't know for sure. So T didn't want to deal with them, or I dont know, too tired or too sick of us or who knows what. She called 911. The flashing lights of the fire truck and the siren on the ambulence were so scary, everyone inside was so freaked out. She was telling them I think what hospital to take me too. I could hear but couldn't stop spacing out. People talking all around me but not too me. Talking at me like I was an idiot. I remember being in my car crying because i just know everyone's going to hate me now. How could it have come this. Everyone inside is so humiliated and embarassed. T had to call our husband and have him drive all the way out there to pick us up. Husband talked to me on the phone and got mae to agree to be good and go away. So I got to come back out. Still in huge dang trouble :(
We had to wait a long time. I'm so spcaed out and headachey. At least my therapist isn't going to charge me for the extra time of hers we took up while we waited. Caroline and I talked to her about school, our niece who is a genius. I apologized a million times. She SAYS I didn't do anything wrong. Really? Her face didn't say so. Sometimes though when our T is scared she looks mad. . .. i dont know. She looked pissed off a lot of the time. I dont know. They were talking about sending me to the psyche ward if hubby didn't come pick us up. At least we didn't have to go there.
I don't want to ever get out of bed again. I am so humiliated. Hubby tried to be helpful. Tried to tell me there's nothing to be embarassed about. BUt I think that, unless you've HAD 911 called on you, and had to go through that total humiliation, and asked the stupid global orientation questions, and had them talk to you like you're an idiot, and have your own therapist have someone come out to help HER and make sure SHE'S okay, while you sit in your car by yourself and cry, and your therapist leaves you alone to do so and looks like she can't stand you now, then I DONT think you quite GET IT.
This was about the last thing I needed right now, with so much stress going on at work and inside already. :(
i honestly don't know what to do.
What if she wants to get rid of me now? What if she uses this for ammunition against me, under the guise of "helping?"
There's so much I want to talk to her about, but I'm too humiliated and embarassed to. I'm afraid to e-mail her or leave a message or antyhing. I'm too scared.
I'm afraid to talk to her anymore, even though I need to so bad.
She wants our HUSBAND to call her early in the week and check in with her. Note: NOT US.
this is so humliating. i can't think of enough bad words about how i feel . except i hate myself more than ever now.
She probably wants to get away from me anyway. She probably really needs a break from me.
I need a break from me too. I want to just get away and never be seen again.

Posted by pilgrim at 9:35 PM | Comments (6)

November 10, 2007

Burger King has re-introduced their italian chicken sandwich. The last time I had one was in the mid 1980's when I was around 13 or 14, and lived off of them for 1 summer when our family was building a house and we ate fast food nearly every night because we worked until it was dark out. I thought this was the best food in the world, this Italian chicken sandwich. As I seem to remember there were 3 or for "International" chicken sandwiches at Burger King that year. Forget the rest- I was with Italy all the way. Every chance I had to choose what we ate, I went with Long John Silvers or even better, the BK Italian Chicken. Hot and crispy and cheesy, I could think of nothing better that summer.
It was the last summer I didn't care what I looked like, even though I was a little overweight.
Yes I still got comments from my family about how fat I was. I got called names by my family, especially my dad. But most of the time I blew them off and thought, "What is THEIR problem?" For some reason, I didn't take it on myself yet.
Then in the fall, a skinny aunt (122 pounds, why do I know that?) joined the family, who had thin thighs and blonde hair, and she belonged to a gym. Which my mom promptly joined, and took my sister and I to. And I wanted those thighs.
And down the rabbit hole I went.
I had not yet sunk into an eating disorder all the way. I still ate. Often and well. I enjoyed food.

Over the years Burger King has teased me with the promise of "new sandwiches" coming out and I eagerly awaited the re-appearance of my beloved Italian Chicken, to no avail.
Until last week. There it was, on tv.
In enough recovery now from the eating disorder, at least on Caroline's side, we can go into a fast food restaurant on occasion and get a sandwich (no fries, and just a diet soda, but at least we're IN there-- big steps.) I made my husband promise to take us to BK this weekend.
And Hallelujah, there IT was. The sandwich.
And omg, it tasted just the same. Heavenly.
For once, we ate slowly, instead of rushing through our food to get it over with.
And it was so hard to hold back the tears.
It tasted just the same.
I closed my eyes and remembered that summer. The long, long hours of helping build a house. Goofing off with my sister, who, god bless her heart, was only about 9 years old, long blonde braids, tall and thin, who I adored and yet couldn't keep my ridiculous teenage sarcastic mouth from making stupid comments at her all the time. I remember the humid air, the thunderstorms, sitting on the cement slab eating my Italian chicken sandwiches.
I remember feeling COMFORTABLE with myself and my body. My every thought was NOT about the feeling of my clothes against my waist, are my arms fat. When I did think those things, I moved on after about a minute and went on with my day. It was not my obsession. I had more to do than concentrate on my body.
That was the last year.
The last time.
By the following summer, I was obsessed with getting thinner, getting up early in the morning at sunrise to go swimming in the pool before anyone was awake, to not only find some peacefulness in my now-tortured mind but also to lose some weight. Playing basketball all morning and having to make 100 free throws in a row before I allowed myself to go inside and have breakfast. Going to a new school and realizing I was not going to make any friends because they were thin and popular, and I'd never be popular if I stayed this fat.

I don't know how to get back to that summer. Now I'm resentful if someone wants me to drink an extra cup of juice or a supplement or eat a snack. How did I get from loving food so much to where I am now?

(Of course, I could be talked into going to have another Italian Sandwich tomorrow and probably every day while they're being offered...til April).

Posted by pilgrim at 11:53 AM | Comments (4)

Its our job to look happy and cheerful all the time so no one complains about us and don't make anyone mad. So we HAVE to keep a smile on our face. But really i just don't want to be anywhere. i wish I could call my therapist so bad. i'm so afraid to bother her. i'm afraid she hates me. i'm afraid she's going to dump me now. she wasn't mad on thursday night and she said i didn't do anything wrong, but now she's going to have until thursday to decide to get mad and decide she wants to get rid of me. i wish i could just talk to her. but i don't think she cares. i know she won't call or check up on me or anything. i just don't matter to her. i wish i could disappear. i'm having a hard time eating. i have to force myself to do anything. i can't remember what i've been doing all day. i don't care if I don't eat and i don't care if i lose weight. i want to be smaller and not take up so much space. i just want to talk to my therapist and see if everything's ok. right now i'm terrified of her. i don't trust her right now. i don't trust anyone right now. i want to just disappear in this foggy haze and go away.

Posted by pilgrim at 10:05 PM | Comments (7)

November 21, 2007

Only a couple of people know this, but after the whole 911 thing a couple weeks ago, Caroline and the rest of the adults jumped ship. She left a message about being a failure, something about she couldn't believe she let things come to that, and when we woke up the next day, she and anyone else older than me was gone.
And so now I'm trying to raise a group of kids on my own, and I'm not the best at it, not being a whole lot older than the kids myself. Our therapist had us write goodbye letters to Caroline.
So here is mine.

Dear Caroline,

It’s strange without you here. You’ve never NOT been here ever since the 1st day of 1st grade. So it’s like you’ve always been here.
It feels like I stepped onto another planet. Where did you and all the adults go?
It’s you that made the biggest hole though. The other grown ups didn’t do much except clean the house and stuff.
I don’t even hear your voice. I don’t know what to do. I really don’t. It’s so scary. It feels like you left me.
I have to finish all of your work you started for school which was YOUR big idea and now you’ve got all those people showing up including YOUR bosses and now you’ve spent all that time and money getting ready AND ordered stuff for it and the people are all excited. Good God. I don’t even want to do it. Now I have to just make myself get through it. Couldn’t you have finished your projects FIRST and then left?

Its really, really hard to motivate myself to do anything. I’d just as soon take a nap as go finish your projects. Maybe since I’m a teenager its easier for me to blow things off. So what if I don’t change my clothes for 3 days? Who’s going to care? I haven’t brushed my teeth since Friday. So what? And I don’t care that diet pepsi might be “rotting my stomach and eating my bones” or whatever you said. If Mae will stop crying when I promise her some candy… well at least she stops crying. If it WORKS… right?

What, you’re expecting me to have insight all of a sudden? I’m STILL 17. I’m not you.

How am I supposed to know what the right thing to do is? I wonder if I will grow some intuition.

You were the smartest. You knew all the right and fanciest words to say.

I’m rude and say dumb things all the time. And words that you said, I have to look up in the dictionary to see if I use them right. I’m not in as good of a mood as you are. What if all your friends dump you because they meet me?
Did you just chicken out and give up?
Did you leave for benevolent reasons? To give me a chance to grow up and take charge and do what’s best for the rest of us?
Did you leave because you think I can handle this now? I don’t have that much confidence in myself.

What if I do all this and then you come back and want your job back? Will I be happy to hand it back or mad that I did all this work for nothing? Because you know what, in ONE freaking weekend I have already worked my butt off just to get myself together enough to talk to S today and I KNOW you never had to do that.

Where DID you go? We don’t see you anywhere. You’re barely a shadow.

Are you afraid to come back because S might yell at you? That we will be mad?

Do I want to do everything right now in the shadow of “This is what Caroline would have done?” and “This is what Caroline would have wanted?”

I keep asking myself this right now. I want to do something or get something or not do something or say something and I keep thinking- is it for Caroline or is it something that I want or do or is it something I think is right?
Do I finally get to paint my room black?
What is going to happen when me and Missy fight?
Missy thinks I should tell you, “Ha, the kids like me be better anyway.” She’s 12. She still sticks her tongue out at people. Which is disgusting.
It all feels like when we used to watch Party of Five and the parents got killed in the car accident and left the 5 kids to live with each other and the oldest brother had to take over and be the responsible adult. Only HE was like, 23. I am 17. BARELY 17, Caroline.
Part of me feels like I can go to the mall with the credit card and spend how much I want because my mom isn’t here anymore.
Part of me feels too paranoid to even move. L
Yah yah yah I can hear ___ (our therapist) right now saying ITS ALL ABOUT BALANCE.
I just ate a can of tuna for a snack just like you would even though I think its disgusting. I wasn’t even hungry. I don’t know. I have a lot of thinking to do. How would I run a family. I don’t know. I’m 17. I’m not supposed to have a family.

jo

Posted by pilgrim at 2:19 PM | Comments (4)

November 24, 2007

I'm just so lonely and far away from everyone. I need Caroline to talk to. I feel like I'm doing so many things wrong. I don't want to make any decisions while she's not here. It feels so strange without the adults around. Especially her. It doesn't really matter much that some of the others aren't around. They did things like clean the house and balance the checkbook and do adult things. But Caroline was the one that made sure we talked right, made the right decisions, acted right,remembered to take our meds, things like that. Without her, everything just feels wrong. And lonely. I need to talk to our therapist so bad. I don't see her until Thursday and that's so far away. I'm so fat, gross, and overweight and filled with flashbacks and so much on my mind. I've been trying to distract my own mind and the kids the past few days. We have had some fun over Thanksgiving break watching movies with our husband and spending time with him like going on hikes and going to the store. It isn't fair for him, he has to put up with far too much from us. And I've tried to have things more balanced this past week. We've worked some on Caroline's projects. And played some games, took some naps, did some artwork, did some projects, read some books, laid around watching some movies, watched endless stupid videos on youtube, exercised, went for some walks, fell asleep on the floor with the dogs a few times, colored some pictures. Its been more balanced and that's a big goal to meet. But without everyone inside here, it doesn't feel right at all.

Posted by pilgrim at 9:53 PM | Comments (3)

November 30, 2007

I wish the adults would come back. Although I can't see why they would. Being in an underpaid thankless job and going in early and staying late, I wouldn't want that either. It seems like all I'm doing is saying all the wrong things, doing the wrong things, saying stupid things, or screwing something up. Not just at home but also at therapy and and work. I can't even tell a story right. I can't do laundry right. I'm not doing ANYTHING right. So much of the time I just want to give in and cut. Its so hard not to. I want to so bad right now and I can't let myself. The urge to cut is so strong. Every time I screw something up I don't want to eat either and people are on my case about that too. I just wish everyone would stop. Ever since Caroline and the grown ups left, I haven't heard anything along the lines of "Good job!" or "You're working really hard" or even "Oh I like what you did." Instead I get sighs and doors that shut a little too hard and my therapist telling me she's tired and stuck about helping me and that she's very sad. How terrific THAT feels to know that I mess up everyone around me too. I know I'm 17 but I keep feeling even younger, I feel like people are talking to me like I'm an idiot and not even listening to me. I wish I could just curl up in a ball and disappear.

Posted by pilgrim at 7:39 PM | Comments (9)