October 7, 2009

I was listening to Joyce Meyer's CD set on Total Transformation the other day, and one part just struck me like a lightning bolt. I ended up listening to the same sentence she said at least 5 or 6 times to make sure I heard it right, until a little lightbulb went off in my head. And I hope that I can repeat it here correctly, because I really want to make sure that other people understand it too:
When I became a Christian, the OLD ME died with Christ. I am now a new Creation, who is daily having my mind and spirit renewed by God.
That old me-the one who was hurt, abused, neglected, forgotten about, lied to, hurt in so many ways-- is gone. That is the old me, who died with Christ on the Cross. That old me no longer exists. I do not need to carry her pain, her memories, her aches, her anger/loss/grief/ depression/ fears any longer. Christ took care of her already. She has been made into a new Creation. One who has a hope and a future. Someone who is completely loved by God. Someone who is completely accepted and cared about. The past is gone-as far as the east is from the west. That old, hurt person is gone. God has made me into a new creation- someone he is making into a happy, free, and loved child of His. I may not be totally "there" yet every day in every way, and some days I may be farther along than others, but I'm definitely not where I used to be, thank God-- and I'm definitely on my way.
Just something I wanted to pass along.
For more of Joyce Meyer's incredible CD resources, I'd recommend Where the Mind Goes the Man Follows, The Battlefield of the Mind, & Total Transformation

Posted by pilgrim at 8:47 PM | Comments (0)

October 14, 2009

I am still having dreams about Sharon and I wish they'd stop. I'm still having them about 3 times a week. It makes it hard to get her off my mind. I still think about what happened, a lot. A lot more than I should. I try not to think about what happened, because it still stings so much. Makes my heart ache. Whenever I catch myself thinking about Sharon, I try to start thinking about something else. But the feelings of rejection and worthlessness still pop up a lot. I wish so much I could find a good counselor to help me get over this. The 7 people that I tried last year were SO bad. I don't have it in me to try again, at least right now. I pray about this a lot-- that God will arrange for some good help to come along. Something that I can afford and something that will fit in my busy work schedule. So far, nothing.

And I just really need a friend, a real friend. I need someone to talk to and hang out wish so badly. A lot of people write to me here through Health diaries offering to be friends. I've discovered though that what they REALLY mean is that they want to have a friend with DID to see what its like. Then they often join my forum (AMJ) and become friends with the members there who have DID, and then they forget about me. Its happened too many times to count.
What I really, really want is someone who wants to be friends with ME, someone who wants to get to know ME....and then if they happen to find out that I have DID, it doesn't really matter to them. I keep praying about that too.

Maybe someday. I hope.

Posted by pilgrim at 4:27 PM | Comments (0)

October 21, 2009

Well, maybe the 8th time will be the charm....
I'm going to try going to a new therapist tomorrow...again.
On a whim, I asked some friends for a recommendation and they gave me her name. She is an expert on DID and trauma who's been working with DID for over 20 years. So I e-mailed her, and she said she can see me tomorrow. Its a 45 minute drive. But, maybe it'll be worth it. I can't really afford it, but, maybe if I just went once in a while. We'll see. If she's good, maybe we'll go back. I'm trying really hard to be brave. Mae is having a really hard time with it. Last night she just cried and cried once we got in bed and said that no one asked for HER opinion--she only wants Sharon. Of course I only want Sharon too...but I also want someone to help me get over Sharon and what she did. I want someone to help all of us get over the trauma that Sharon caused by leaving us so suddenly and screwing up our mind so badly. I am scared but I also just really hope this works out. And part of me thinks I must be so dumb to put myself in this position of vulnerability yet again.

BTW, someone made a comment about me "acting" mentally ill and how come I don't get fired at work. I do not act mentally ill. Nor AM I mentally ill. I just happen to have DID. I am a completely functioning person and I happen to be a fantastic teacher, a fantastic nanny, and I'm really good at ANY job I have held over the years. We have different alters for different jobs. No other alters usually come out at work. Its not like in the classroom we'd be switching personalities and acting like a child or crying or breaking down. On the job we are normal adults. If you don't know me, which you don't, don't accuse me of acting a certain way. Thanks.

As far as using "we" and "I" and "us" and "me" sometimes, there are times when I/we write that there is more than 1 person present.. Sometimes 2 of us are here at once writing and we'll write We/us. Sometims just 1 person is here and I'll write I/me. Its called co-consciousness. And THATS not mentall illness either.

DID is a highly creative way of coping. People with DID are usually highly creative and highly intelligent with a lot of gifts.

For more info in general, see abuseconsultants.com as another resource.

Posted by pilgrim at 10:18 AM | Comments (0)

October 28, 2009

Last night I watched some of the news before I fell asleep. I rarely ever do. It was disturbing. In 15 minutes, the reports were all about how many people in Texas have died of swine flu this week, how many troops died in Iraq recently, a child that died in an accident, a child that may die because of abuse, and more talk of war.
Rotten stuff.
I closed my eyes and said to God, "Lord, this world is so depressing sometimes. It feels so unsafe."
Immediately I heard that still, soft voice in my head: "Read Psalm 91."
So I picked up my Bible, and hear is what I read (with my thoughts added.)

Psalm 91
1 He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.

2 I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust."

3 Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare
and from the deadly pestilence. (like swine flu)

4 He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

5 You will not fear the terror of night,
nor the arrow that flies by day, (like wars,guns,and soldiers)

6 nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
nor the plague that destroys at midday. (there's swine flu again)

7 A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you. (God will keep me safe in this unsafe world.)

8 You will only observe with your eyes
and see the punishment of the wicked.

9 If you make the Most High your dwelling—
even the LORD, who is my refuge-

10 then no harm will befall you,
no disaster will come near your tent. (my house is safe because I trust the Lord)

11 For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways;

12 they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.

13 You will tread upon the lion and the cobra;
you will trample the great lion and the serpent. (I will overcome the evil one because of the Lord)

14 "Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.

15 He will call upon me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him. (I can feel safe, because I call on God;He is faithful)

16 With long life will I satisfy him
and show him my salvation."

I felt so much better after reading that, especially since I believed that it was God who whispered in my ear to read those particular words of His. The world may be unsafe, there may be wars, plagues, and even death around me. But I believe the Lord will protect me.
Even last week, I was in a car accident. My car was SMUSHED. But I escaped with just some aches, pains, and minor injuries. It could have been much worse. I know God had sent his angels to protect me.
God is someone you can count on to protect you. If you feel unsafe and scared, call on Him. He and Jesus are right there waiting to wrap their arms around you.

Posted by pilgrim at 10:03 PM | Comments (0)

October 30, 2009

I can't wait til Halloween is over. Really. Its a hard "holiday." There's nothing fun about it, just yucky stuff. That's all I can really say about that.

Posted by pilgrim at 8:10 PM | Comments (0)